A dear friend once told me to write no matter what I do just write. Take five mins to write down any thought & do this everyday then before you know it that one sentence will be a paragraph then that paragraph will be a blog then reflect on that idea or thoughts and the process.
Thank you Paulie for the sound advice, you are a truly great friend & a champion I am honored to have in my corner.
I say this because as of late I have been uninspired to do something I love to do. Writing is my passion, I love to see the thought process behind the madness. Taking one single idea turning it over to my imagination creating this world on a blank canvas that didn’t exist before. I use to write clever, engaging blogs about reality TV stars the episodes they appear in and interviews or appearances.
As of late, I have nothing that is all-inspiring that would motivation me to write a blog. I been this way for a while. It’s like I packed my things got into my car and started driving on a road to nowhere just going. Then maybe 6 hours into the drive I see the bright lights of a city that looks to be a great place to call home. Here in this city is a gated community, there’s many side streets and one cul-de-sac. Through this mazes of streets in this gated community, I found myself parked on the one cul-de-sac. This dead-end street at first appears to be very compelling, appealing and beautiful very seductive, so seductive that I felt a natural high a euphoric feeling of satisfaction. But was I really satisfied? In this community I felt as if I was somebody special, somebody interesting, someone who’s beautiful, witty and charming so I stayed. It was fun and exciting in the beginning but slowly I found that my personality started to change. I started trolling and trolling hard not thinking about the words that are coming from my keyboard I mean really not thinking about anything other than gaining recognition, to gain more “likes” and be popular. I was tearing down people, women whom I never met just ripping them apart.
The more vicious I was the more “likes” I got. So I became more combative, competitive, obsessive, compulsive and unapologetic just down right nasty, traits that I don’t like in others. In other words the very thing I disliked I was becoming. I became a “Social Media Monster” living in the world of Reality TV wanting to be like those characters Reality TV created. It was like a drug or alcohol I popped the red pill and kept coming back for more. My family and friends express their concerns but when you have an addictive personality you can’t NO you don’t want to see the forest for the trees. It wasn’t until I journeyed to a taping of a show this particular taping featured the cast of reality TV personality and once again after jumping through hoops to get there I found myself along with other “FANS” some in their 20’s but mostly women in their mid 30’s to late 40’s my age group pining over reality stars who just don’t give 1600 rats asses. During the breaks the host was so disconnected busy getting touched up and playing on the iphone, the guess was just as bad fans screaming cheering to be seen heard notice and these people up on stage oblivious to it all again not giving 2600 rats asses.
Priority Ticket….my ticket was priority seating meaning because I attended taping of other shows I get to choose a show to attend that is hard to get. So excited that finally I get to see my favorites from the reality world live I had very high expectations, shame on me. First I stood in a line with others for over hour then ushered in to area of the theater up the stairs we go yes the priority ticket I went through hell to get got me as far as the mezzanine. The floor and front area was reserved for people in the industry and friends of the host and the guests.
NO BUENO…..here’s the humiliating part, as we the “fans” stood in line waiting a crew of staffers came out asking us if we had a question for our favorite reality star what would that questions be? I can’t remember my questions but the process of standing there holding up my question on paper as the staffer takes my photo with of all things an fucking iphone, I quickly realized my questions would never see the light of day because I don’t look the part. If you watch reality tv you know what I am talking about. All of a sudden I felt like I was in high school dealing with the bullshit of popularity. Everything I worked hard on to over come is now coming back like a 30 foot wave crashing against the rocks. “my armor” all but disappeared.
Back inside….I am watching screaming trying to take all of it in convincing myself that I belong here and I’m just as good if not better and so as the show comes to a close I attempted to get closer to my idols. First I managed to get close to the stage where I can finally greet the host with a handshake and say “thank you” C O C K E D*B L O C K E D. NO BUENO! only the chosen ones and industry people had that right. Then I headed outside to the back area where they would come out C O C K E D*B L O C K E D AGAIN the guest along with their bodyguards & posse stopped that from happening. I left feeling very tired very defeated and empty. Just like that my night came to a horrifying close. The long journey home was heartbreaking. I spill my guts to my sister who worked late that night. She asked how was it and I poured out my soul almost in tears at the disappointment of it all. My sister said well that’s reality TV for you nothing in that world is real. I get home and try to decompress. I notice 2 notifications on my phone from my two favorite bands. Lucky me both bands announced new music and a new tour. Of course I’m gonna go gotta support my guys bought my ticket and I’m off.
Répare Mon Armure…..The night of the concert for #FranzFerdinand I was excited I seen them several times in the past so I know what to expect or so I thought, they’re message of love, compassion, empathy played throughout the night. Asking us fans to support our local groups and up and coming groups again this is nothing new #FF does this all the time but this night was different because I completely forgot about the message of love. I completely forgot who I am. I forgot about myself worth, I completely forgot about my soul, my heart, my values everything I was taught to be was lost. I was truly a “Lost Soul”. Interesting enough that morning I posted something about being a lost soul on social media, my Aunt called me minutes before #FF was to start checking on me yes it was that bad and on the other hand it was fate. #FF played a week later at the same venue that the tapping took place their group photo was part of the marquee, in fact I walked right passed it without notice #irony. Here I am back at this venue enjoying myself and finding myself all over again. That night was truly amazing. That night I was saved. The next day reeling from the high of #FranzFerdinand concert, I seen #DefLeppard interview. In this interview, the lead singer spoke of what to expect on this tour. Again the message of love, compassion and just pure enjoyable fun is what I’m hearing. Fans can come leave all the petty bullshit at the door and have a drink enjoy some good music.
This blog was very difficult for me to write and complete. So many emotions. I’m not writing this to bash anyone. This post isn’t about a particular thing or reality TV or any of that. I forgot the one rule I live my life by and that’s to be kind even to those who don’t want to receive just be kind. I let myself go, I allowed myself to get sucked into bullshit. Now I’m out of the gated community, out of the city and in rehab so-to-speak. I haven’t written any blogs because I am taking the time to repair “mon armure”. As I stated in the beginning of this long blog, I’m a writer, I love to write. I started blogging because it gives me cathartic, euphoric feeling of being heard in a positive and sometimes funny way. Most importantly this is a form of self-expression. Yes I am a big mouth, book geek, first class nerd, sensitive, emotional, tough, rough, indecisive, independent, compassionate, caring, loving complex human being. All these things makes me who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything. It took me awhile to get back here but I’m here now and I’m happy with the person in t
This blog is dedicated to my loving family and friends & all the “Lost Souls” keep you head towards the sky know that you are someone and you are loved!
And a special “thank you” to the rockstar who showed the world how beautiful we all are.
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Crying In The Shadows
My Big Brother
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
Closed for Business
Until next time…..