‘Pleurer Dans Mon Ombre’ French for “Crying In My Shadow” is the topic of today blog post.  Since my little stint in bloggers rehab, strengthen my armor (see blog post (“reparer mon armuer“), my new found inspiration is emerging and now I feel more so than ever compelled to tell of my journey of growth.  This blog post is based on a recent conversation or conversations I had with varies important people in my life, my sister, my niece, my cousins, my closest friends all these people have played a role and given me inspiration and a voice and for that I am grateful.  For too long I been standing in the shadows just going through the emotions like a goddamn robot scared to express myself. No more standing in my shadow crying wanting to be heard needing to be heard craving for a stable support-system.  Now with my new found sense of self awareness I am comfortable to speak my TRUTH.

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Back-Burner-Bitch

As I stated, I have a new found sense of self awareness and with that comes still some post anger not resentment but anger because I realize that I give so much of myself to people in general even to those who don’t deserve it, for some messed-up reason I always get placed on the back burner like a “back-burner-bitch”. My personality always draws people who place others above me in situations where I need the support of a friend. Does that make sense? Example I LOVE Def Leppard, they’re in concert I tell my friends and sometimes they would notify me in any case we all know of the upcoming concert, my friends don’t like this type of music so they are not willing to pay for a ticket and go and I end up going alone.  The point here it’s not the concert, the band or the music, the point here is the lack of support.  For once I would like my pals to say “okay I’ll go with you for support”.

Do you think I’m being selfish for expecting that much from the people in my life?

Expecting Any Thing From Anyone Is Dangerous 

I am a social person, I like to be in the mix and I like to share my interest.  It gets really lonely when your friends don’t want to take the time to just be supportive. Not only that it but HURTS and it tells me where I truly stand in the relationship.  Trying to explain this is very difficult because I don’t want to hurt anyone feelings or have my friends get upset, however, in this process I always find myself at the short end of the stick, not intentionally of course. Just for once I wish the dynamic would include me to be an equal instead of 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th wheel or in some cases a after thought or even worse nothing at all.

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Friends Or Foe

Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends they are the best of the best I wouldn’t trade them for nothing in the world well maybe for Def Leppard…..LMAO, it’s just when it comes to me and what’s going on with me I just feel I don’t get enough support.  In other words yes they do support me when something dramatic happens like the death of my mother or being sick having surgery but what I am talking about is everyday things the little things. As I get older its hard to meet people the way the world is designed it’s intentionally cruel, less empathic, less compassion there’s a real lack of accountability, lack of respect and lack of love too many freaking Trolls it’s important to keep the people who are important champions close and the rest at bay.

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My Beloved Champions  

You are very important to me, you play a very important role in my life.  I value your opinions. I’m hoping you won’t take this in any other way then what it is intended and the intent is purely LOVE. This isn’t about knocking any of you. I just want to share my life and that includes my interests and who knows maybe experiencing these things with me as a show of support you too can enjoy new adventures. You know I love and treasure our friendship, like with any relationship it’s a working process and I’m feeling comfortable enough to express my sincere gratitude, my gratefulness, and love for you all and everyday I am thankful that you are my beloved Champions.

For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
My Beloved
My Big Brother
Big Lips
My Chum
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Something Interesting
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Uncontrollable Chaos
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
#likeoneanother
Closed for Business
Lemons
Stranger Thin

Until next time…..