This Fear Within Me

I normally start my blog off with some witty line or some corn-ball jazz clever line for introduction, but for today’s blog post I thought I be joke-less because really there isn’t anything funny about “Cancer”. I was touched by many people’s stories of survival and how the process effected their lives that I am inspired and ready to share the fear or what I’m struggling with one year later.

31XEhNthKQLIt’s been a year since I had my life changing surgery.  I often think about my situation what it means having something so much apart of you removed.  I understand why it’s necessary, but one never really think about life in such a way until it become a matter of life or death.  I use to wonder how these brave women make the harsh discussion to have something removed like breast until I was faced with that choice.  I opt to have a  full hysterectomy.  To know that you won’t be able to have natural-born children it’s mind-blowing.  It’s been a year and yet I sit here thinking about it as if it just happen yesterday.  Not that I wanted children but the option was always there and now it’s gone. 

Read: 5 Things Women Need to Know About Breast Cancer  by Christy B

86200275-hope-inspirational-word-about-breast-cancer-awareness-modern-calligraphy-with-hand-drawn-lettering-aFeeling this way it’s very difficult for me to meet and date.  My friends, true friends often tell me I should get out there hit the dating sites in order to be found I must be out there and that’s easy for them to say because they haven’t experience a full hysterectomy and  what this mean.  I can give you the term but it’s more than just terminology explanation, its final the act, your immortality gone all the things that make one complete as a woman is gone. 

grieving-300x280It’s crazy to think of things in such dire situation but it’s true.  My life saving surgery alter my life in such a way that I can never feel whole again.  Trying explaining this to friends or to anyone who haven’t experience this.  If I don’t feel whole, how will I ever expect to have a healthy relationship?  This has plagued me for over a year now.  My fear or finding someone then having to explain this, is very scary.  Many survivors have dealt with their partners leaving because it’s too much and I wouldn’t blame them but it can be a very lonely place.  It takes a special person to stick around and deal with the emotions.  Cancer not only strips away at your strength but it also affects the people around the very people who you come to depend on.  I’ll tell you this having cancer can bring out the worst in people and when it’s all said and done you will know who are your friends.

Read: Cancer Floor Waiting Room   by Rhythm In Life

cancer_survivor_ornament_roundAs I grow older, I believe I am a little bit wiser but this one thing I can’t shake.  Having a body part removed doesn’t make me or any other woman less than.  It’s all in my head feeling this way but again if you don’t experience this you can’t imagine the physiological imprint Cancer has.  Cancer is the worst dirty of dirty words.  It’s a disease that feeds off every living particle in and around your world.  It’s effect is not limited to but it takes hold of your life and the people around you. You have to be prepared for the fight of you life.  The people around have to be prepared for the fight of your life.  #FuckCancer (to donate to City of Hope)

Read: Having A Caner Scare at 24  by Tara Joy

Everyday is a struggle for survival, I keep survivors and those who lost the battle in my prayers, and pray for a cure someday.  My precious she’s only ten but she wants to be a scientist because she wants to discover the cure for Cancer.  I pray she does.

For more information or to support survivors check out (AmericanCancerSociety)

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