“My head feels like a monopoly game rolling the dice rounding go collecting two-hundred dollars hoping not to land on Boardwalk or Park Place”
Hello all you wonderful wizards of words, today blog post may not be as witty, or funny as past post. I don’t have any smart words of wisdom or no clever intriguing headlines. Nope just me just a stripped down to the core, me raw and real no makeup, no mask nothing to hide. I don’t know why I’m inclined to go down this road, it’ pure insanity but there’s a purpose behind the madness really only one of inspiration. In this blog I will touch upon somethings that have trigger my little Chum. Yes folks we’re going to jump around but I promise you once you’re off the merry-go-round you will fully understand my thinking process.
Learning To Deal With My Past, Present & Future; I talked about my transformation in (My Amour). I talked about mother’s love and the untimely loss in (Autumn). I did two short stories of my depression in (My Chum) and (Doubt). I talked about how mental disorders/illness runs in my family dealing with my bothers bout with schizophrenia in (My Big Brother). I talked about bullying in (Big Lips). I touched upon friendships in (Crying In My Shadow) and how sometime having friends can lead to a place of isolation. Maybe because I see many people like myself as underdogs struggling to survive. NO, I’m inclined to write this blog at this moment because I am touched by so many peoples stories and I hope the voices don’t become lost in translation. There’s so many factors that goes into my writings. What I’m struggling with so many of us struggle with is reflected in my writings. My journals, my posts all of it is a time line of what my life is dealing with feeling less than or commonly known as depression.
“Don’t let someone or something stop you from achieving your dreams.”
What You Mean Willis “Addictive Personality”; I’m an underdog when it comes to dealing with my little Chum. Doctor’s didn’t have any faith that I would be able overcome this let alone survive. I can’t tell you how many times doctors, friends and family was scared I’ll do something crazy. Suicide isn’t something I ever thought of or felt the need to do. I always fought depression and coupled by my addictive personality I tried extra hard not to be around things, put myself in situations or be around people who can trigger my mood swings. Let me say when I mean addictive personality I don’t mean drugs I never did drugs including pot, what I mean by addictive personality is being addictive to depression. When you are so used to feeling a certain kind of way those feelings brings on action not realizing you have become the symptoms. My symptoms are anger, sadness, anxiety, body aches yes it’s that bad. I just thought those things were normal that everybody felt that way like I said you become the symptoms. It wasn’t until I had a real bad case of depression I call it hitting that red brick wall that landed me in the emergency room once tested I was diagnosed. It wasn’t a big surprise but it was a big relief.
Getting The Wind Knocked Out; In 2017 I went to the doctor and discover that I had tumors in my uterus. Fourteen to be exact and out of the fourteen only 3 had cancer cells. This was very alarming to me because at forty-six I been very careful about not having children. I figured when you kissed so many frogs one prince is bound to come along and of course that didn’t happen. I just kept on kissing frogs after frogs certainly none of them are father material. After kissing a lot of frogs I stupidly married one. Too much depression and addictive personalities between us. The manic behavior of my depression coupled by his unwillingness to let go of his Mother destroyed our short-lived marriage. Divorcing for us was our only option. After my failed marriage I fell into living HELL going through the motions of living to put it metaphorically I was “F”ed. I decided to work on myself get my head right. I can’t even think of taking care of someone else especially a human who will depend on me forever until I get the crazy monopoly game going in my head right. Fast forward sixteen years I’m sitting here at the Oncology office looking at the photo of my body seeing all these tumors that just moved in like they were renting space, glancing at the doctor who is talking a mile a minute you know like the adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons, I realize I’m watching my choice whether or not to have kids die a slow miserable death. Then I thought what man on this green earth would ever want to be with a woman at forty-six who can’t have a child? Not having children was my choice. Oh screw it I’ll be honest I’m not ready for kids I’m too selfish with my time. This became a big deal when that choice was taken away from me at least that’s how I seen it in my head. This pushed me deeper into my depressed state. I had a complete hysterectomy because I needed to. I am lucky my issue was caught before it could do any damage. I think about all those who are fighting or have fought and lost their lives my heart breaks.
“Don’t settle for less when you can have the best”
Taking Three On The Chin; As I stated I was in a nine-year depression. Over the course of this time I lost my career, I lost two Aunts, my ability to create children and most importantly I lost the one woman who loved me like no other my mother. I didn’t lose the ability to write and write I did. I explained my transformation in my blogs but I didn’t get into detail about sharing this aspect of my life. I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining when people are losing their life to cancer. Social Media is what I call a shopping mall of harmful shops. So many places to shop your tweets getting the message of enlightenment out on a positive level it’s difficult but once you find the right store the message is beautiful. I had to swim through a swamp of sea-rolling-rat commonly known as “Piglickers” to get to the side where I belong. In sharing my decision not to have kids then feeling some kind of way when the option was taken from me opened me up for attacks by these piglickers. It’s a feeding binge like vultures to roadkill. Once the trolls were done the piglickers came out and picked over my bones. I felt like I was in a nine round boxing match with Mike Tyson. Every tweet, Facebook post I was getting knocked on my ass. I took it right on the chin, I thought this is crazy the crap the people hiding behind the keyboard would say. What made this whole things crazy is one I wasn’t ready to hear what I heard, two I was still angry at myself over my mother’s death and three I became a people pleaser chasing likes. I’m a strong person and I was determined not to let the sea-rolling-rats piglickers get the best of me but eventually they did. At the end of 2017 I was worn out, distracted, lacking focus and not engaged in life. Something was about to break I just didn’t know what. See (My Amour)
“Never stop doing the things you love to do”
Continuing This Journey; It’s been a year since my life changing surgery and coming out of my nine-year depression which is a record for me. As I continue this journey to self discovery, learning about myself everyday, learning to love myself today I feel like I can take on the universe. I’m learning to be more kind not only to myself to others. I’m learning my triggers taking the steps necessary to deal with being negative situations. I say this because I was thinking about taking a break from social media. There’s too many piglickers going on saying and doing very hurtful things. With my addictive personality, I tend to focus on the negative as oppose to focusing on the positive which triggers my depression. This is something I struggle with. As I read through tweets, I find that these “Piglickers” aren’t that different from most people. They are fearful, lonely people seeking validation. The piglickers turning to social media simply trying to have their voice heard. I almost feel particularly sorry for them and I won’t let them win.
Being A Social Butterfly Isn’t Always Perfect; I am a very social person and in this day we depend or dare I say hide behind our keyboards saying all the things we normally wouldn’t say. Should someone suffering from mental disorder or illness be on social media? I don’t know I can’t say anything other from personal experience, experiencing the positive side of social media is a good thing I think this is what makes social media so appealing but the down fall to this is that not everybody gets the joke thus what you’re communicating gets lost in translation.
Drink Responsibly 🍸🚖🚔