“I don’t allow myself to be human therefore my feelings of hurt, frustration and anger don’t have any value. This process invalidates me as a person. That’s the one thing I truly dislike about myself.”
Yesterday my Chum paid me a visit. True to rock star form, my Chum wasn’t alone. This time Chum brought band mates Manic, Doubt and Panic. Together this dynamic foursome tore the hotel room apart. It was a complete meltdown to the point I had to call my safe person who always pulls me back from the ledge. My meltdown was beyond hitting my trigger the red brick wall, I ran smack dead into it, through it and over the edge. Hanging on by the grip of my fingers I placed the call. I haven’t had that kind of breakdown in a while. My problem is I let things build up until I blow my top a trait I’m working on overcoming, however, I did see this one coming. At this point lacking control, there’s really little to do. I buckled up, stayed on the run-away train bracing for the wreck and hoping for the best.
I Am Human; I’m human, I’m complex and as of today very sensitive. It started when my feelings were hurt by someone who I call my sister. She has no idea and it’s not intentional. It’s a conversation I need to have with her and one I’m not looking forward to. She’s one of my champions, she above everyone else knows where bones are buried, in fact she held me up when I was going through the most horrific times in my life (the death of my marriage, the death of my mother) this is why this conversation will be most stressful and difficult.
Free Reign; I don’t know what is it about me that I allow those closest to me to have free reign over my feelings. I don’t allow myself to be human therefore my feelings of hurt, frustration and anger don’t have any value. This process invalidates me as a person. That’s the one thing I truly dislike about myself. I just write my feelings off, bury them deep down even pushing down so far that I end up stepping on them because I want to spare my loved ones feelings of me being hurt by them. This goes against everything I believe. In life I stand up for myself but when it comes to the people in my life I don’t have a freaking backbone. It’s bananas right? This is another trait in myself that triggers the worst part of my depression. It takes days sometimes weeks to overcome this feeling of being so vulnerable. It’s because of this very reason I just keep quiet and try to move on without any resolution.
My Sh*tty Day; It’s a sh*tty day in Sunny’s neighborhood an awful day in the neighborhood would you be mine (singing theme to Mr. Rogers). Sh*t has to start somewhere right? Well my sh*t day started when I received an invite via text from my friend inviting me to a thing (the same friend I’m upset with). Then the drive to work getting up early at the crack of dawn driving two hours to work dealing with a crazy ass co-worker who is allowed to be vicious. This person holds the entire office hostage. This person a constant sh*t starter always trying to pull the trigger. I know just go get another job. Yes I could but here’s the thing I’m a stubborn SOB. No one is going to push me out. I will leave on my own terms but also this paying job gives me the space to pursue my dream. To finish out my day my website crashed. I spent the hours redoing my site. The frustrating part is that I stupidly listen to a CSR who is a number in a virtual reality cloud striking the keys giving out unsolicited information. Instead of spending the time working on promoting my writings and cleaning up social media accounts. It’s a day I’m still recovering from.
Therapy Sessions; Chasing after a dream is very stressful. Oh God I want this so badly I can taste it. Let me back up explain the method to the madness. At the tender age of sixteen, my mother thought it would a great idea to talk to a professional licensed therapist thus my start of years of therapy. In these sessions, we will discuss my parents divorce. Seeing how my father treated my mother and my four older siblings really made me not have trust in people. He just left and not only leaving he didn’t want to be bothered. What made his departure so hurtful is that went on to raise his Strawberry’s kids that weren’t even his. We talked about the lack of attention I felt I wasn’t getting. I felt as if my mother had her favorites among us six kids and I was the accident that wasn’t suppose to happen. We talked about my relationship with my siblings on and on. Finally in my fifteenth year I realized these sessions are worthless. Years and money I spent trying to fix me didn’t work. There were no take away I didn’t feel empowered I felt more angry . It all was just a waste time. It wasn’t until my friend (the same friend I’m upset with), she came up with a crazy idea and talked me into getting a reading.
My Gypsy Savior; One cool fall evening my friend and I journeyed to El Monte. Driving down Imperial Blvd. looking at all the psychic readers that lined the street. I’m pointing out to her laughing because who does this right? My friend calm as a black cat smiled “nope we need to see the gypsies” we continued on our journey. Meeting my gypsy psychic was something. Ms. Gypsy quickly informed me of her status. She’s a reader not a psychic. She’s more on the spiritual plane. Ms. Gypsy said to me when she’s done I will be enlightened. After tonight I will endure heartbreak, heartache and disappointment but in the Spring my soul will be repaired and I will regain something I lost. Something of importance and of value. Once I regain this “something” my journey will take me to a place of success and joy. My journey will end in with me moving to Europe as a success. My personal life will change my husband to be is there waiting for me. This journey will take time to realize because I’m not ready to receive. When the time comes my heart will be open and the blessing will happen. I came out of that reading even more messed up LMAO and more emotionally compromise, remember I have an addictive personality.
Feeling The Spirit; Ms. Gypsy spoke so loving about this light and the spirit world I needed to know more. I dove head first into learning about this spirit of enlightenment. The base behind this is that everyone has a connection to the spiritual world. Most of us aren’t in touch with this side because most of us don’t believe but seeing the signs I am now a believer. I see people’s halo that gives off a color. It’s these colors I can gage a person intentions. Listen don’t judge someone just because their spiritual beliefs are different. Being different is what makes humans beautiful. We’re unique in the sense we have choices. We have emotions that allows us to feel and connect. I don’t try to push my agenda but if something makes a person feels good and is a positive thing then what’s wrong with that. For me the spiritual world makes me feel good and there’s nothing wrong with that. This was truly amazing moment.
“Chasing after your dreams is very stressful. For me it’s more like impatience wanting it so badly you can taste it. Impatience is another trait I don’t like about myself. I want so desperately be a success failure isn’t an option.”
Chasing After My Dream; Years later I realized what the Ms. Gypsy was saying. She’s completely right about my journey. I found that something I was missing. That something is one of importance, validation, confidence and self-worth. I spent years in this tornado vortex, spinning around not knowing which was is up. I have witness the death of my mother, the life she lived, her struggles never seeing her dreams come true. The death of my marriage. A marriage of convenience, hoping this person who doesn’t know me grows to love me. So many important people and moments missed opportunities scatter in the wind like dust blowing across the desert. Then spring of twenty-eighteen happened and now I found myself near the end of this tunnel, a tunnel apart of this amazing journey. I see the light at the end shinning bright like a beacon on top of a lighthouse guiding the sailors home. I know my self-worth. I know now my character. I have the confidence to chase my dream. It’s the only thing that kept my mind sane. My dream the carrot at the end of the stick dangling me the rabbit leaping forward after it. I will get there. I will be a success and my journey will help others realize their dreams. There will be days that will bring me to my knees, it’s not how I got on my knees but how to get up. Yesterday is a drop of water in a puddle. I can’t do anything to change it. The only thing to do is treat myself kindly. Stop allowing my feelings to go invalidated. To have the will to live is the only way to beat this motherf*cker Chum and his mates. Living is the greatest gift.