FORGIVENESS IS NOT ENOUGH

This week hasn’t been such a hellish week as in the past, although the week has just begin, I made some decisions when it comes to my mental well-being.  I decided to really work on keeping my Chum and his party friends sequestered. I also decided not to allow anyone to hijack or take hostage my emotions.  Monday I was tested.  The She-Devil was at it again only this time no one seem to cared enough to indulge in her madness. Again I shouldn’t feel anything towards this person but how can I talk about changing and staying positive if I can’t forgive the She-Devil.  When forgiveness isn’t enough what’s next?  

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There’s A Price To Pay For Forgiving:  I often talk about giving people respect or compassion even when people don’t deserve it because holding on to all that anger hatred isn’t good.  On self-discovery journey I’m learning this one thing letting go of all the crap. I’m being tested to truly see if I can live up to my spiritual soul.  I practice this in my everyday life with strangers, with family and friends having compassion and empathy towards others but most importantly showing those things to myself.  Everyday I struggle to keep my Chum at bay because I don’t want to be that evil mean-spirited person, however, when I get to work it never fails the She-Devil is on point 1000000000%. As a manic-depressive, being around someone who is unstable isn’t healthy. Interesting a co-worker said I weighted heavy on her psychic as if I had some responsiblity in how she treats people.  My response is we all have to take ownership of our actions, if a person can’t own up to their dirt maybe they shouldn’t be slinging it. As I sit here listening to my favorite song, the lyrics talks about looking at yourself, take ownership of your actions and showing love, compassion to your enemy wishing them more but in this case my heart is torn.  Every time I allow myself the luxury of having compassion for this woman she turns around and stumps on that.  

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Forgiving Is A Luxury I Can’t Afford:  Everyday when I leave work, I leave all the bull-crap behind.  It’s a struggle to cope with someone who is just as bad when it comes to having mental illness/disorder but the worst part is She-Devil refuses to do anything about it. She constantly speak about her mental state as if it’s a badge of courage.  She often speak about her medication how the Doctors keep adjusting them but no matter what she can’t stand the drugs so she stopped taking them. It’s a slap in the face for those who struggle everyday trying hard to survive.  I leave work fighting my heart but giving in and forgiving her actions.  The next day I come to work she stabs me in the neck, throws me out the window, get behind the wheel of the bus runs me over dragging me down the street leaving me lying there in such of state that I still reeling from previous miss-deeds. So desperate trying to cope each day is a new death.  I know I’m being overly sensitive and dramatic but this is the truth.  It’s tough dealing with such forces like my Chum and the She-Devil.  

“I feel like I’m Voltron, all the moving parts are working together but then Hagger comes along using the komar zapping all my energy and I’m left exhausted trying to mustered up the strength to fight” 

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Life Throws You Curve Balls:  Nothing in life is set solid.  It’s like bases are loaded I’m at third waiting to be brought home the staff working as a team right?  Next to bat is She-Devil. Strike one, two not understanding which personality you will get, strike three your out this is what happens when the office has to depend on her, life little curve ball.  I learned not to expect much from people, this way I won’t be that disappointed.  This is part of my coping with my disorder another trait I don’t like about myself.  Having faith in people isn’t such a bad thing. One thing is certain we all have our issues.  These issues shouldn’t dictate who we are but how we react.  It’s a cause and effect what you do, that energy you put out in the universe always come back full fold.  No matter what my feelings are toward this woman I have to be compassionate because my energy that I put out there will come back.  I want that ripple effect to be a positive vibe.

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*DISCLAIMER* The creators/makers of the cartoon Voltron is not affiliated with this blog, ideas or comments and affiliated pertaining to this website.*

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The End.

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