Today I’m feeling a bit blah.  Not sad but not quite happy either.  I’m in between the two.  I call this stage of my manic depression “the blah factor.”  It’s a numbing feeling.  I don’t care about things as much as I should when I visit this stage.  Having a mental disorder you’re on a constant roller coast ride up and down back and forth its rare your able to get off. 

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Blah Blah Blah:  This is the worst part of my disorder because this feeling is so unpredictable.  The sharks are circling waiting for me to lose my balance than it’s buffet for them.  My Chum and his merry band mates of losers Manic, Doubt and Panic are waiting in the wings ready to take center stage.  It’s a hard place to be.  I’m going through the motions of life.  Like a functioning alcoholic if there’s is one I am able to focus on tasks at hand but not focusing on details.  It’s like having a beautiful dream than waking up not remember anything. 

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Beautifully Stupid:  I was once called beautifully stupid because of my blah factor, not able to cope without having any kind range of feelings towards anything is beautiful and worthless. That statement in its self proves my point that people just don’t understand nor have the taste to understand what having a mental disorder like manic depression.  What does that even mean beautifully stupid? I guess I should be offended but I’m not.  It’s out of fear and lack of knowledge that this is coming from.  Just like when I was asked what type of blogger would I call myself? HUH??? My response, I like to think of myself as a life blogger.  Blogging about my Chum.  This person then said “indulge me”  I showed my website then was told I should change my site to reflect my mental disorder. Now I’m offended.  I spent two years working and experience a complete overhaul all that work this person chooses to focus on the negative.  It’s always this way negative, it’s in our nature to focus on things negativity making them worse than what’s real.

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Living In The Land Of The Lists:  In this state of the “blah factor” I do weird things.  I’m on Wikipedia more reading random things instead on focusing on what needs to be done.  I re-write blogs, stories, make lists OMG the lists.  Today I have written twelve lists in a one hour period and then re-write then again because the first, second, third, fourth versions didn’t make any sense.  I have written down one thought moved on to next item then remembering something ugh let me tell you no one wants to be in my mind when I’m like this I don’t even want to be in my mind.  The determination and focus its taking me to write this blog is crazy.  I started this early this morning and now eight hours later and five re-writes I gotten thus far.  I had to create a list just to focus on what I want to say or at least try to explain my thought process.

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Crazy Gal:  You know something interesting, some people don’t want to admit the truth. My truth is I’m freaking “CRAZY”.  I know this, I own it.  It’s no secret, I’m not hiding anything the truth is my wiring is all messed up.  My mental disorder has taken on many different faces.  Like the Mayor in the movie Nightmare Before Christmas how he switches faces that fit the moment well that’s me.  I often wonder once I move oversea to Europe how will I cope.  I will be in a situation of being alone.  My champions won’t be there physically to help bring me back we will be on different times zones.  This is another reason why I given myself three years I’m a lot older little bit wiser and a lot more unwired correctly.  I have to factor everything I do into how to cope with this disorder.

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White Picket Fences:  Is a desire to want that white picket fence so bad?  Wanting and the possibility of not having that dream doesn’t mean I have to settle for less either.  Since my surgery I was hit with some realization that I will never experience what it’s like to be a mother.  I also facing the possibility that I may spend the rest of my days single.  Let’s face it I’m too old (in my late 40’s) most men want to date or marry younger women who are a size zero.  My social personality is a turn off and my Chum along with his merry band mates don’t make things easy.  It would take someone who is strong and is willing to ride the storm.  It’s all scary, but I’m tough.  I’m not willing to give into my disorder.  I’m not willing to give up on my dreams and I will continue to fight for the things I want,  things I need and the things I love.

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la fin