I honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t have any clever words of wisdom nothing but just feeling numb. I’m not particularly sad but I’m not happy either. Last week was a living nightmare and the energy that was drained from my body had taken a heavy toll on me. So much is going on in my world my job situation, my writing, my future all this is weighting heavy on my mind. It’s like the twilight zone has taken hold of my body throwing me in an ongoing loop of noise filled numbness.
The Scariest Place On Earth: This state of numbness is a scary place to be. This one emotion allows for self-doubt to enter and when you start to doubt yourself it’s a down hill slide. Best way to describe this mini episode is think of a hillside that stood tall and sturdy for years dealing with many down pours of rain. Saturated this hillside over time begins to give way turning into an unstoppable mudslide. That’s how I feel right now. All my emotions are overloaded soaked with nonstop crap too much noise. Times like this I just wish I can crawl under a rock and stay there. I feel like I just want to give up, get out, isolate myself from the world silencing the noise inside my head. So many people screaming, yelling and talking wanting to be heard and there’s me the social butterfly who often revert back to being an introvert.
Enjoy The Silence: As a writer and blogger there’s not enough words. For an introvert there’s too many words. Why do we humans feel the need to be so expressive? Why do we need to talk all the time. Why can’t we learn how to enjoy the silence? As an introvert I’m use to walking next to silence. I don’t need to be on display 24/7 to prove who I am but who am I’m kidding? We live in an age where everything a person do is on display. Sometimes closing the blinds and turning off the lights is the right thing. Too many outside interference can dominate the mind making it hard to focus on what’s important.
“Words like violence break the silence come crashing in into my little world. Painful to me pierce right through me, can’t you understand? Oh my little girl. All I ever wanted, all I ever needed is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary they can only do harm. Vows are spoken to be broken feelings are intense, words are trivial. Pleasures remain so does the pain. Words are meaningless and forgettable.” – “Enjoy the Silence” Violator LP, Depeche Mode
Venture A Highway: To quiet down the noise inside my head I like to take rides. Alone with all the windows rolled down the wind blowing through my body and the car heater on my feet turned up high. The road to nowhere can lead to somewhere. It took a long time for understand that. Too much noise can over shadow what’s really important like love, life, family and friends. I discovered this past week. Having noise isn’t all bad, but it’s the bad loud noise that takes over that isn’t good especially for people with struggling with mental illness or mental disorder. There’s different technique can be learned to help quiet the noise.
Put Down That Weapon: My state of numbness will linger right up until the day before my birthday in which the stress level goes off the chart and the noise inside my head grows louder to the point where I can’t even see straight. I don’t know why I place so much unnecessary load on my shoulders. Hitting birthday’s shouldn’t be so loud or stressful. It should be a time of reflection, celebration enjoying that milestone. You made it let’s look forward to next year. For me it isn’t that cut and dry. It’s not about being happy or being in a state of reflection or even enjoying that milestone. For me it’s my fear of the unknown. Trying to control life events that haven’t happened yet. I get so crazed that I’m constantly at war with myself can’t stop and I can’t put down that weapon.