Twenty-nineteen started with an uncertainty I had no idea of what’s to come but I spent the last few weeks of twenty-eighteen stressing about it. I don’t know why but I have this sick obsession of trying to control the future. I worry about things and events that haven’t happened yet. The anxiety is quite overwhelming but what makes this worse is that I put myself in this position. I willingly make myself go nuts trying to control something that is uncontrollable.
Controlling the Uncontrollable
When I look at the word “control” I automatically think of “trolls”. I say this because it’s one hundred percent true I become a troll obsessing over things that I have no control over. I spend weeks trying to prepare my mind, trying to keep my emotions in check. During this stage of my depression I would hand write over thirty lists, create over ten music playlists. Start a thought for a blog or short story then stop ending up with bunch of unintelligent sentences. I slowly watching the ceiling come down on top of my head as the things I’m trying to control becomes more uncontrollable. I don’t think there’s no drug, or food, or drink that can stop the miss-fire of brain cells that controls the logic. It is what it is.
Feeling The Of Pain And Hopelessness
This is worse than my “Chum”. This for me is the lowest of low. It’s like being at the bottom of a bottle when everyone else managed to escape, I’m still stuck at the bottom trying to figure out a way out. This also affects my body. I get pains in my back and neck. My knee starts to hurt and my hands tingle. Oh and lets not forget the constant itchy feeling all over my body. When I’m at my highest of stress and anxiety the itchy wakes me up from a dead sleep. At this point my vices kicks in I’m up off to the Frig surfing through the food and leftovers trying to find something of comfort.
Confessions Of A Manic Depressive
In the aftermath of my episode the recovery time is getting longer and harder. Sometimes I feel like I’m that solider in boot-camp. Running through that impossible obstacle course, you do it because it’s necessary. You fail because your human but you try and try again to you reach success because it’s in your DNA. I’m a constant failure at this dance, but I keep facing the judges because that’s what you do. It’s called living. You learn the necessary lessons, you take the necessary steps to move forward. Looking back or dwelling isn’t a good resolution. Everyday is an obstacle course I struggle hard with my disorder, I come to the conclusion that I have to find away not be such a troll trying to control things that haven’t happened yet. I have to find away to let it all go.
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
Crying In The Shadows
My Big Brother
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
Closed for Business
Until next time……