Introduction

Hello masters and mistresses of words, today blog post is inspired by songs by my favorite artists. These songs best describes the battle I currently find myself fighting. This week has been a hellish nightmare, a nightmare I can’t find myself out of. My armor is worn out tarnished, you can see the cracks deeping. I fear at this rate my armor I so depend will all be gone. It’s scary to hold onto something that most people think is insignificant. To me this shield my armor is a matter or life or death.

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Battle Of My Own
Def Leppard LP (2015)
Def Leppard
Darkness falling, Midnight calling
It’s a full moon warning, Devil’s dawning
I gotta get myself, Back home
Down amongst, The dust and bones
I gotta heart that, Slashed and torn
I need a soul
To be reborn again, Forever is only a kiss away
Just close your eyes and be free
I gotta battle of my own, I gotta battle of my own
I gotta battle of my own

Battle Of My Own

Everything in my world isn’t sunshine and roses in fact, the dark clouds have rolled in and as I stand here looking out over the ocean I can see the storm on the horizon. Honestly, how do one categorize an epic storm? I feel like I’m going from zero to a trillion miles and it’s not slowing down. This is what life is like when you are bipolar. Dancing in unhealthy behavior. This week episode is a rollercoaster ride. I experienced many different emotions ranging from heartbroken sadness to uncontrollable rage of anger. I know what’s triggering this unpredictable behavior however, at this time I am unable to get rid of the trigger.

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All I Want Is Everything

As I sit and listen to my music All I Want Is Everything is on, the verse where Joe Elliott sings “it’s hard to hold your head up while kneeling down to pray” hits a cord. Everyday I pray to be a better person. Not this raging angry emotional mess. I don’t like this shell. It’s broken and cracked. Not appealingly perfect or pretty. In my pursuit of happiness, I manage to shut down. Its a pattern that those around me are quite familiar with. I tend to build up walls. Twenty feet high walls to keep the noise out. Building these walls not only keeps the noise out but everyone as well. Isolation has become my best friend these days. I am trying to break the habit it’s like a smoker trying to quit smoking. It’s hard to stop even when the Doctor say you have stage three cancer.

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Fall Another Place To Fall Into
Eye To The Telescope LP (2004)
KT Tunstall
Are you proud
To have founded a brand new behaviour
With hatred and hurt as your saviour
But nobody’s choosing to follow
So you choke back the tears and you swallow
Men who have ruined your life
You consume them with minimum strife
But now you have got indigestion
The antacid comes as a question
So find yourself another place to fall
Find yourself up against another brick wall
See yourself as a fallen angel
Well I don’t see no holes in the road but you
Find another place to fall

Find Another Place To Fall Into

I wish things were that easy telling my Chum and his friends to find another place to fall into. The truth the triggers that allows my Chum to take center stage is caused by my actions or lack of. Take this episode, this feeling been bubbling under the surface hitting the top spinning out of control. I was asked a task at work. I did the task to the best of my ability but I felt as if my boss wasn’t impressed or pleased. Because of my addictive obsessive personality, I spent all Wednesday obsessing over not being perfect causing a manic episode. Already dangling on the edge this tipped me over. I called out sick the next day. I turned off the phone shutting everyone out. Spent the day in bed in pain both mentally and physically. It’s hard to stay strong when you are feeling like the KT’s lyric “With hatred and hurt as your saviour But nobody’s choosing to follow“. The hatred I have for not being perfect has consumed me. I truly hate my condition. Being judged all the time and look down on being invisible. The frustration and anger is all I have to hold onto. No one dealing with mental illness or disorder choose to follow a road of judgement and misunderstanding but we do.

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The Academy Award
Always Ascending LP (2018)
Franz Ferdinand
Show me the body
You never realize how much eight pints are
‘Til you see them on the ground, They cover so much ground
Locked up predator, Hunter gatherer,
Once rare commodity
Now recently found salt, sugar and fat, There’s heavy traffic
Show me the body now,
We’re starring in the movies of our lives
Starring in the movies of our lives,
And the Academy Award for good times goes to you Yeah, the Academy Award for good times goes to you
There’s a camera held in every hand
The clamor of applause in every mind
But the Academy Award for good times goes to you, you

The Academy Award

The academy award goes to…. Aww you made it this far. I bet reading this you might think I’m desperately depressive and full of myself. I’m not. People judge me as this well put together person that has this huge sunshine smile. Not perfect but not crazy. When I do something deemed out of character people are shocked when all the while I always been this person. A person struggling with mental disorder. Truth is my sunshine smile is one of few coping tools I have left in my arsenal. It’s like playing a video game, having all these weapons to assist you in your quest. As time goes on you notice your arsenal is getting low and becoming less effective. You still have a while before completing the task and moving on to the next. Low on power, your character starts to struggle. That’s how I feel at this point. All my coping tools are all used up. I’m low on power trying to make it to the next level. My smiles mask the anger the pain of feeling defeated. As Alex Kapranos sings “there’s a camera held in every hand, the clamor of applause in every mind” so true. We’re always on constant display. Snapping pictures like our lives depended on it. Looking through those phone camera lens with judging eye always competing. If you snapped the photo of someone struggling with mental health what do you think you’ll see?

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Finally
Always Ascending LP (2018)
Franz Ferdinand
I feel it (I feel it), I’m fine (So fine)
I feel it in the spring sunshine (Sunshine)
So fine (So fine), I feel it in the springtime shine
Then, oh, oh, suddenly I’m
Finally, I found my people
Found the people who were meant to be found by me
Finally, finally, finally I’m here, In my place, so I’m here
God, how it heals you to feel
God, how it feels good to be with the people like
Yeah, people like me

Finally

Someone asked me why I am always quoting songs from Def Leppard, Franz Ferdinand or KT Tunstall. My reason is because their music has such a huge life changing impact in my life. I am inspired to be better and just find peace in a chaotic destructive world. Music gives such stability. You can relate to every word that is sanged and suddenly you’re not alone in your pain. These artist songs gives me hope and inspire me to fly. The song Finally by Franz is such song. At this moment I can’t listen to the song in fact I only heard it a total of five times. The reason is as I continue to fight this battle, I am hopeful that all the dark that surrounds my world will turn to blue skies. The birds will come back and sing. The flowers will grow and bloom and finally I will be in my place enjoying how good it feels to be with people meant to be found by me that’s when I will listen.

Until next time….

All music listed is copyrighted

For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
Crying In The Shadows
My Beloved
My Big Brother
Big Lips
My Chum
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Something Interesting
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Uncontrollable Chaos
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
#likeoneanother
Closed for Business
Lemons
Stranger Things
Me Chum And The City
Battle Of My Own