If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

INTRODUCTION

Hello all you wizards of words, today’s blog is inspired by “Addiction”. There are many different faces of addiction.  The two common known types of addiction are Substance and Behavioral.  This blog will focus on the behavioral side. When a person struggling with mental health a lot of bad behavior arise. There’s too much noise, too much dark. It’s very difficult to turn on the lights and keep them on. For this very reason some turns to drink and drugs. Others turns to spending or develop unhealthy relationships with food or self image. Like with any illness, understanding the triggers, the cause and condition is key.

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Behavioral Disorder Symptoms, Causes and Effects
PsychGuide.com
An American Addiction Center Resources

TOUCHING THE UNTOUCHABLE

They say the road isn’t paved in gold or there isn’t a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow either way these statements are true.  After the deaths of my Aunt and mother within six months of each other, I went into a nine year depression. I indulge in unhealthy behaviors my drug of choice is food. I became emotionally dependent on food.  The fatter, buttery and more sugar the better. On a night when my Chum was ever so present I would drive hours to my favorite soul food place order dinner meal that comes with three sides. I walked out with two thick pieces of meatloaf, mac n’ cheese, greens, okra with corn, cornbread stuffing with gravy and twelve corn muffins. If that wasn’t enough I would order four more corn muffins and yellow cake w/chocolate icing and a slice of peach cobbler. To wash it all down a liter of Coke-Zero as if that makes any difference. After paying nearly fifty bucks, I make the long drive home. Strip down to a t-shirt and undies turn on Netflix binge watch and gorge. I stayed locked up in my bedroom curtains drawn. The only light was the flickering silver light coming from the TV. This is how I would spend my weekends. Detached, isolated and cut off from the outside world. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t look at my habits as something bad or who my bad behavior was hurting. All I cared about was numbing the pain. The reality is I will be paying for my unhealthy choices for the rest of my life.

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Behavioral Disorders
Mentalhealth.gov

TRADING ONE BAD HABIT FOR ANOTHER

A classic move for a person struggling with bipolarism is trading one bad habit for another.  I broke off my relationship with food and started dating my dude bad spending habits. It’s just like that commercial says, you’re up all night trolling all the shopping sites spending money you don’t have only to realize what damage is done days later. In the moment you feel like you overcome depression when really all you did was trade one bad habit for another. One weekend I sat in my room curtains drawn with my computer open to one shopping site, my tablet on another shopping site, my phone on another shopping site and my TV split into four screens all on shopping sites.  That weekend I will spend over a thousand dollars on purses, make-up (I don’t wear make-up), clothes I couldn’t fit, kitchen gadgets it was a mess. Friday I had enough money in the bank for bills and such, by Sunday I was in the negative nine hundred sixty-three dollars and forty-two cents. I kept the bank statement as a reminder of my bad spending I had developed.

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Still Life
Two Hearts LP (1985)
Men At Work
Written by: Greg Ham

There’s a picture in the hall, I know And it’s from a time when feelings showed. Though I hold it close before my eyes. Loving you could have been, oh so easy, but there is something you don’t understand, through the times when two were one completely. There was another in this well laid plan yes my heart refuses to see. This corridor seems to stretch for years ahead but patient hearts cannot match times steady tread. Is this the threshold of a fantasy? Is there still life at all? Loving you could have been, oh so easy, but there is something you don’t understand. Through the times when two were one completely. There was another in this well laid plan. Best laid plan of ours. Watering the garden, some comfort for the twilight years Still, life never lingers, it marches past our veil of tears A moment’s all we’ve got, to have and to hold, don’t slip, don’t blink, don’t turn your head. With a photographic memory I could live in a time that used to be.  Is this the threshold of a fantasy? Is there still life at all? Loving you could have been, oh so easy, but there is something you don’t understand. Through the times when I was won completely. There was another in this well laid plan Loving you could have been, oh so easy, but there is something you don’t understand. There was a time when I was won completely, Our emotions they got out of hand

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VEIL OF TEARS

The truth is I was dealing with a lot of stuff. On top of dealing with the loss of my Aunt and Mother I was struggling with the death of my marriage. Our divorce lasted a lot longer than the marriage. I was lonely. I hated myself. Whenever I see myself I felt ugly and began to project that negativity.  It’s like when Harry Potter realized he has the power to influence the sorting hat, convincing it to put him in Gryffindor that’s how it was for me. I convinced myself how ugly I was and people begin to see that.  I was the brunt of many jokes by my-so-called friends. It’s painful to be laughed at instead of laughed with.  I felt as if I failed at everything. I failed at life. I started to live in a time of the past. Getting lost in my memories of my Mother, my marriage, the lines started to blur.  I couldn’t tell reality from fantasy. I started to live a lie. Wanting so desperately to have a life where I had a husband, a child and the unconditional love that came from that made up family. The unconditional love that I got from Mom I try to recreate.  

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UNCONDITIONAL LOVE

There’s nothing the unconditional love of a parent. I long for that unconditional love I got from my Mom. I tried to recreate that with my heart inside my head. I have the love of my siblings, cousins, the remaining two Aunts, friends but its not the same and it’s wasn’t enough.  Mom and I had our differences but she made me want to life live. She made me want to fight for success. She kept the voices quiet, she kept the light on through the darkness and she eased my pain when I fell. In her eyes I was perfect. In her eyes I was her perfect child with bipolarism. Mom always embraced our differences making us feel special and unique. I tried to recreate these feelings through addiction. It will take nine years of swimming through the dark to get it.  Spring of twenty-eighteen my life will forever change. Mom was there as always turning on the lights leading me through the darkness. Showing me the love that powers my happy engine. I no longer have a relationship with food or spending. My physical health is getting better. I am still saddened by the loss and I still struggle with my Chum but now I have the love of my champions to fill the void always pushing me towards the sunshine.

Until the next time….

All comments are solely opinions of Sunny Larue Carroll. Sunny Larue and those who are featured in this blog are not a licensed healthcare worker, licensed Physician or licensed Therapist. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.

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