(Vraylar is medication used to help with symptoms of bipolarism. You should always consult with a physician or a mental health care professional before taking any type of medication. The makers of Vraylar is not a sponsor nor affiliate of this website or blog) Sunny Larue is not a licensed therapist, physician or health care professional. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm dial 911 or contact your physician, therapist or health care professional. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 for assistance.
INTRODUCTION
The past eighteen months has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. As twenty-twenty-one comes to an end, I thought about my last blog post of the year. It’s a toss up between my Chum, Covid-19 or the major events of twenty-twenty-one that had my emotions spinning. I decided to be very candid and try to articulate this rollercoaster ride of a year. I hit many peaks some brought on by the events of the year and some brought on by personal events.
World Tallest Rollercoast
456 feet
Hello all you wizards of words, I’m Sunny Larue known as the Professional Martini Drinking Blogger and today’s blog post is inspired by the constant rollercoaster ride of bipolarism. We all saw the “Vraylar” commercial; (Vraylar is not a sponsor or affiliated with this website and blog) you know the one about the ups and downs of mood swings associated with depression and bipolarism using rollercoaster to articulate the behavior. That’s exactly how I feel. Imagine you’re at an amusement park and the tallest, fastest rollercoaster is this 3 minute giga-coaster with speeds of one hundred mph. You’re anticipating a ride that you think you’re in control of but in reality the whole experience is out of your control.
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(Vraylar is medication used to help with symptoms of bipolarism. You should always consult with a physician or a mental health care professional before taking any type of medication. The makers of Vraylar is not a sponsor nor affiliate of this website or blog) Sunny Larue is not a licensed therapist, physician or health care professional. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm dial 911 or contact your physician, therapist or health care professional. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 for assistance.
THE STATION
Walking up the ramp going inside the station, normal people feel a thrill rushing their bodies. The excitement of taking on such a force is very euphoric, however, this particular force is more scary than thrilling and lonely. As you make your way through the station you come to wait in line. Slowly moving towards the cars, this is the point where you and your partner will negotiate the seating arrangements. Front, the back or maybe the middle and who will sit on the right or left side. I always opt for the middle because there’s not much feeling and the g-force isn’t as great then the front or back. Honestly it doesn’t matter where you sit. There’s no negotiating with my Chum. He’s in total control all I can do is buckle up hold on and brace to get it over with.
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THE RIDE
Bette Davis famous quote “buckle up it’s going to get bumpy” she wasn’t kidding. I always make sure my seatbelt is on tight and the lap bar is pulled down as low and tight as it will go. I want to make sure I survive this ride. In fact, this is the norm for me, tightening up the seatbelt to survive the ride. But what is survival? How do one survive in a world of chaos and uncertainty? There’s triggers everywhere you turn. TV, streaming, radio, work just walking outside can present a hole host of triggers. Before my Chum push that button, he toys with my anxiety. Exercising every bit of control. Okay let’s get on with it nope not yet.
LIGHT; Something so trivial, so small can send me down a spiral. To someone who is “normal” may not understand why little tiny thing can set a person struggling with mental illness off. As you are seated and belted in you are now in anticipation of what is about to go down. You know once the ride starts there’s no turning back. It’s that first ten seconds of waiting that drives your heart into your mouth. The ride operator is toying with you building up for the ride of your life. Everything you are is in the hands of this one person who controls the button that starts you on your way. You know once the train moves you can’t just hop off. No in that first ten seconds if you don’t raise your hand to get let off you pretty much stuck.
CAMERA; The one tiny little thing has become as high as Mount Everest. This is the moment when the obsessive behavior takes over. You take on the idea of trying to move a mountain that really doesn’t exist. No matter how much you push and pull in every direction that freaking mountain will no budge. You go deeper and deeper down the the rabbit hole and yet you look into the camera not recognizing the face looking back. You realize the train has left the station.
ACTION; Where it all goes down and goes down in a way that is unexpected. Your mind no longer belongs to you. Thoughts become incoherent and out of sync. You can’t articulate one word to make a complete intelligent sentence. You’re beyond condolement. Your not in control of basic functions and instincts. Your at the mercy of the ride operation going up that hill. You close your eyes too scared to take in the view. As you go over that sinking feeling takes over speeding down spiraling out of control at eighty-five mph holding on thinking the first drop isn’t too bad. Sailing through to the next drop. Not quite a big or steep as the first but more problem some. This is the angle you pass out.
This is where your mind doesn’t belong to you. Your thoughts are not in sync. You can’t articulate one coherent word to make a complete intelligent sentence. You’re beyond drugs, beyond condolement. You have no control over basic functions or instincts. You’re going down a three hundred and twenty five foot hill at eighty-five mph holding on and enjoying the first drop because it’s behind you now. You sail through onward to the next drop. Not quite as big as the first but more problem some than the first. This is where you pass out and don’t remember anything onward. Everything is a blur and before you know it you’re pulling into the station.
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SURVIVAL
Yes it seems like we survived the ride, however, a week later I found myself recovering from doing the impossible moving that mountain. In doing so I feel so much pain, everything hurts and my head is pudding. This is what an episode of bipolar feels like. The past eighteen months I have been dealing with loss, disappointments, Covid-19 and isolation. All these things have played their role with my Chum. To be honest, I scared myself a few times so much so I had to reach out for help. If there’s one takeaway from this is that anyone can recognize the problem, it’s reaching out that’s the hard part.
This isn’t all so gloom and doom. The key is to recognize the symptoms and reach out for help. I went from therapy once a week to three times. I write in my journal everyday. I surround myself with strong and positive people and keep my mind active and focused. Yes every time my Chum makes an appearance, it’s a few steps back but the bright side is that the rollercoaster ride always comes to an end.
If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255. Staffers are there ready to help you get back on track.
(Vraylar is medication used to help with symptoms of bipolarism. You should always consult with a physician or a mental health care professional before taking any type of medication. The makers of Vraylar is not a sponsor nor affiliate of this website or blog) Sunny Larue is not a licensed therapist, physician or health care professional. If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm dial 911 or contact your physician, therapist or health care professional. You can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255 for assistance.