Today I cried. My tears came as a surprise to think about the year twenty-twenty as something to cry over. Yes, like most people I have lost something but is the loss worth these tears? My heart took the blow too hard and heavy. However, my head is standing rock solid not to be suede either way. I don’t know why such things are so difficult to face. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go. I don’t know why it’s so hard to forgive. I don’t know why we choose to hold on to pain, anger and loss. Hello all your rocker and rollers of words, today’s blog post is inspired by the emotions of holding on to pain, anger while dealing with grief, loss and learning how to forgive and to let go.
Hello all you champions of words, it’s been awhile since my last post. Actually it’s been some weeks since my last post, October 29th to be exact with the (Off The Wagon) post however I feel the need to express myself once again. It’s hard trying to guess where to start. It’s even harder waiting but when it’s all said and done it’s the change that makes or breaks us. I learned this truth living in a post Covid-19 world. Eight months ago life was normal now here’s three principles that play a role in our daily routine; START, WAIT and CHANGE. Today’s blog post is inspired by these words.
I can give you the standard definition of the word start but starting something is all interpretation of what the person is feeling. For me starting means making life time commitments and holding true to those commitments. Starting means there’s no room for failure, procrastinating or empty excuses. To start means to put one foot forward and keep walking no matter what.
As the late Tom Petty puts it so elegantly in the song The Waiting “the waiting is the hardest part” which holds some truth. Some people find themselves at a crossroads in which they’re waiting to start a change that is terrifying or how John Mayer nicely put it in his song Waiting For The World To Change “we keep on waiting for the world to change”. Let’s be clear, to wait has its advantage but it’s also a downfall because some people in this stage of life spend a lifetime waiting for change but do not know how to embrace and adapt. In other words they find themselve stuck in a moment they can’t get out of. Like a record playing over and over or being on a never ending merry-go-around. To wait means how we must adapt and embrace life moments. The good, the bad, the ugly and the indifference we must learn to adapt and embrace to it all or stay stuck.
We can’t start something or wait for that moment without change. To change is to face your fears. To change is to take ownership of your sh*t. To change is to grow. To change is to move forward. Some folks can never adapt to change and end up staying stuck in moments, choosing to stay in a time that has long passed. Never living in the moment and can’t see past the future. Some folks stay because they are too afraid of change. These things are interpretations and depend on the individual ability to adapt and embrace.
Change is a powerful entity that holds beauty if only we can see it. To start can be as beautiful just as beautiful as thousands of purple colored sunsets. To wait can bring joy and safety. Together these words can give life or take it away. It all depends on YOU!
This blog post is inspired by Covid-19, Quarantine, Social Media and Mental Health. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. I do have a lot to say. If you or you know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm seek help immediately or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. Staffers are there to help you get back on track.
Hello all you champions of words, it’s been awhile since my last post. Actually it’s been almost a year since the last blog post. Yes, I am writing. In fact I write everyday. It’s just that these days nothing I write makes up a coherent sentence let alone a full on blog ready for all to read. So what changed? Alot. I honestly don’t know where to begin. I hope you stay with me as we navigate through this rollercoaster ride. I promise it will all make sense in the end.
Maintaining mental health is very important. It’s a daily commitment. I find myself struggling with this. I recently read an article by Mental Health America“Ten Tools To Help You Feel Better And Stronger” listing tools like eating well, exercise and getting enough sleep needed to maintain a positive outlook. Also servicing as a reminder that utilizing other positive tools such as Vlogs, diaries, journals and hobbies are useful in keeping the mind occupied. Along with medication and therapy using tools is good for improving your mindset. I just recently moved from journal entries to voice recordings. I want to listen to my Chum in such a raw and stripped down way. I want to hear what bipolarism sounds like and not just articulate my experience in print. These recordings give me an accurate account of my episodes. What I heard is a person spiraling out of control. Nothing is coherent and nothing makes sense. What I discovered is since Covid my Chum has paid me a visit a total of nine times. This is both disturbing and alarming. It’s the truth I wasn’t prepared to face.
Everyday I wake up crying. Spending most days in uncontrollable tears. At first I thought this is just me being sensitive. Then I thought maybe it’s just a case of the mean reds. I finally realize I’m in pain. Real pain. Not only mental but physical. With all the tools and goals set in place I somehow managed to slowly slip back into my old ways of introversion and isolation. It’s a comforter and a dangerous vice I thought I had overcome. I fell back into old habits of self harm, over indulging,overspendingand doing things to distract from what is the real root of my episode. It’s like recovering from drugs and drink. Do so well then falling off the wagon. It’s an Addiction I am all too familiar with.
And the Tony goes to….. what can I say? Me and Chum have become very good at covering up, masking and hiding his symptoms. There are signs but again family and friends aren’t quite sure how to approach me. I don’t make it easy either. I am the worst when it comes to asking for help. I think that’s the frustrating part of being in a relationship with me. I play that role of being that strong person everyone expects me to be. I don’t show any emotions that comes with my disorder in public. One of the tools listed in the Mental Health America article is connect with others yeah no brainer. I learned how to connect. I learned how to listen but I haven’t master the art of reaching out or really opening up. Sometimes I feel like no on cares but in reality we all are doing the same thing trying to be heard.
Other vices I allowed myself to indulge in loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear. The best way of putting this is like getting a gun then carrying this gun with you everywhere. Even relaxed the gun is sitting in your lap. You look down and think is today the day? That’s my headspace at this moment. You just want to bring yourself to throw the gun out but you can’t. I am confused and baffled as how I got back here. To be honest I know how I got to this head space. These past six months have been a challenge. Quarantine has been my Chum best friend. Isolation, loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear all have played their part. Where am I today? Right this second? I’m here trying to find hope. I’m here trying to survive. It feels like my hand is on the gun with my finger slowly pushing the trigger back. I’m tired of all this nonsense. I’m tired of the pain. It’s difficult to just do simple everyday acts that most take for granite. I’m tired of being sick both mentally and physically. The air in the room is getting thinner to the point where it’s hard to just breathe. Although I’m surrounded by love, I can feel the hammer on this gun cocking back will today be the day?
It’s a dark and lonely place this tunnel has been and yet I see a tiny light flickering at the end of the tunnel. My heart tells me to focus on that and let the love that surrounds me bring me back. If only my mind can have such hopes. No matter how down and out things seems to be my heart always have hope. My heart shows love, kindness and acceptance unconditionally. Momma always told us “We have to learn to love ourselves unconditionally no matter what life throws at you. Stand in your own truth.” So here I am learning to love myself again. Learning to stand in my truth again. Learning to accept who I am.
Hello all you champions of words, I want to give a huge shout out to my blogging sister Claudia and thank her for nominating me for the “The Vincent Ehindero Blogger Award”. Claudia has an amazing gift for words that is well articulated in her award winning blog “Do What You Love; People-Life-Passion”. Claudia’s other nominees are fellow blogging sisters Kristian Weigman “Life Lessons From Around The Dinner Table” and Catherine Mullen “Shatter The Silence/A Life Given To Me”. All three women are bright stars among the blogging and writing community. Check out their work and don’t forget to subscribe.
Let’s jump ahead to Claudia’s questions.
Q AND A
Q. Who or what inspires you to write?
A. Mental illness/disorder runs in my family. Seeing my mother struggle with depression, my brother struggling with schizophrenia which caused him to be institutionalized and being bullied at school by my own bipolar disorder, I had no idea of how to cope. Afraid that I would commit suicide, my oldest sister brought me a diary to write in. Writing became my savior and escape.
Q. What’s your biggest pet peeve?
A. I have a few but the one that stands out is when people put their bare feet up on the dashboard of the car. It drives me nuts.
Q. If you had a chance to interview anybody in the public eye, who would it be and why?
A. Right now I’m intrigued by Franz Ferdinand bass player Bob Hardy. I don’t know why but his quiet personality is attractive. The guy is crazy talented. There’s something about him that makes me want to invite him over for dinner, wine and a good conversation.
Q. What advice would you give anyone who is new to blogging/writing?
A. Just be open, honest and transparent.Don’t be afraid to tap into raw emotions.
Q. When’s your favorite time of day to write and why?
A. I don’t have any particular time. I’m always writing whether it’s just jotting a few words to visit at a later time or writing a full blown story. I guest it when it happens.
The people featured in this blog are of those who struggle with mental health and are no longer with us. Their struggle has helped bring awareness to Bullying, Anxiety, Depression. These people are faces of suicide. If you or you know someone in a crisis, having thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately or contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255 (24/7 – 365 days) Together we can break the stigma of mental health. To check out these amazing people and how their struggle impacted our lives click on the links below.
Today I cried to point I couldn’t cry anymore. If only I could’ve been there to help. If only I knew what to say. I would plead my case in the hopes of having my desperate pleads heard. If only he could see the tears of pain begging him to stay. If only I can tell him how much he is loved.
Yasmine struggled with serve depression. Depressed by her breakup and divorce, Yasmine hung herself on a tree close to her sister home. She was 37.
Hello all you wizards of words today’s blog post is inspired by suicide. Twenty-nineteen was a year of endings. With the end of the decade in my group of champions our lives has dramatically changed. This is the story of Brad his struggle with mental health and his outcome.
Little is known of Lee final moments. Lee was diagnosed with bipolar and suffered from depression. Police were called to perform a wellness check when the actor didn’t show up for work. He was discovered deceased. He was 29.
This blog feature familiar faces who struggled with depression, bipolarism and varies mental illness. The goal here is to show mental illness doesn’t have age limits or discriminate nor know any boundaries. Your neighbor, co-worker, brother, sister, parents anyone can struggle with mental illness. Just because the picture appears to be perfect behind that smile is someone contemplating suicide. Your act of kindness and compassion can be the difference between life and death.
Kelly Yeomans Pre-teen May 22, 1984 – Sept. 28, 1997 Suicide by Overdose
Kelly is victim of school bullying. Described as a pleasant teen her tormentors were unmerciful in their attacks on Kelly. “It is nothing to do with you Daddy, nothing to do with you Mummy, and nothing to do with you Sarah (her sister). I have had enough and I’m going to take an overdose.” True to her word she took overdose. She was 13.
Hello all you wizards of words, today’s blog is inspired by“Addiction”. There are many different faces of addiction. The two common known types of addiction are Substanceand Behavioral. This blog will focus on the behavioral side. When a person struggling with mental health a lot of bad behavior arise. There’s too much noise, too much dark. It’s very difficult to turn on the lights and keep them on. For this very reason some turns to drink and drugs. Others turns to spending or develop unhealthy relationships with food or self image. Like with any illness, understanding the triggers, the cause and condition is key.
Spinning around on the turntable, as we (my friend and I) sit listening to High N’ Dry album by Def Leppard in celebration of a new 2020 world tour featuring the reunion of Motley Crue and Poison, Mirror Mirror, Look Into My Eyes comes on and we’re in awl of the amazing sound blaring from the speakers. Joe’s sings “Gonna have to smash the glass”, my buddy says to me “it’s a fool who can admit defeat.” My response is “if this is true then why do we run from our reflection in the mirror?” Hello all you Santa’s little helpers today’s blog is inspired by Def Leppard’s song Mirror Mirror Look Into My Eyes and why we run from our reflection in the mirror. There are many reasons why we run but the main reason is we don’t like to face the truth.
Def Leppard “Mirror, Mirror (Look Into My Eyes)” Mirror mirror Just watchin’ with your eye of glass You’re just a fortune wheel With something that I wanna ask Mirror mirror Got my fate lyin’ in your hands You’re the fool, you’re the juggler Hangman and lover, you’re not like no other Take a look into my eyes Tell me what you see Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it true? Take a look into my eyes Oh when I look at you Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it me? Is it really me? Mirror mirror Gotta know just what you see My crystal ball You’re lookin’ so sly and so sleazy Mirror mirror Hangin’ there with that crack in your eye You make me stumble, make me blind Time after time and line by line [Repeat Chorus] Mirror mirror Oh tell me You’re the fool, you’re the juggler I ain’t met a lover, you’re like no other Take a look into my eyes Tell me what you see Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it true? Take a look into my eyes Oh it just can’t last Take a look into my eyes Gonna have to smash the glass Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look Take a look into my eyes Oh yeah Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look Take a look into my eyes Look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Tell me if it’s me Baby, baby, baby, baby Baby, baby, baby, baby
Can’t Stop Running
We run from the abuse. We run because of the hurt. We run to escape the pain of living. We drown our sorrows with drugs, drink and other bad behaviors. We run because it’s easy. Face it no one willingly accepts the hard way but we run into situations that isn’t the best taking a lifetime to learn the lesson. We don’t stop to think “is this what I should be doing?” It’s hard to hold the mirror up and actually love the person staring back.
Janie’s Got A Gun Aerosmith Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done? Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound of my gun. Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done? Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Her whole world’s come undone From lookin’ straight at the sun What did her daddy do? What did he put you through? They said when Janie was arrested they found him underneath a train But man, he had it comin’ Now that Janie’s got a gun she ain’t never gonna be the same. Janie’s got a gun, Janie’s got a gun Her dog day’s just begun Now everybody is on the run Tell me now it’s untrue. What did her daddy do? He jacked a little bitty baby The man has got to be insane They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Run away, run away, run, run away Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Her dog day’s just begun Now everybody is on the run What did her daddy do? It’s Janie’s last I.O.U. She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain She said ’cause nobody believes me. The man was such a sleeze. He ain’t never gonna be the same. Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Run away, run away, run, run away Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Everybody is on the run
Facing The Flaws
Facing up to flaws that every human processes is down right scary especially for those who suffer from mental health. Speaking from personal experience, I sometimes see an ugly reflection. Sometimes when I look at my reflection I see sorrow, pain, hurt and distrust. I don’t know why that is. I went from being in a bubble, to introvert to a social person and to have this view is really iscine. I do have low self esteem but not in the way most views self esteem. My Achilles heel is my Chum. I believe wholeheartedly that relationships and my Chum is a cocktail not worth drinking. No man on this planet would ever want to be in a relationship with such an ugly disturbed person. No one would want to have a friendship with someone who can’t properly articulate coherent sentences. When I express this side of my Chum to family and friends I get this “it’s not rejection because of your looks or Chum but you are intimidating and strong willed and most people have a hard time dealing with that.” Really? The truth is I’m bipolar, my highs and lows are a daily struggle. One day I see beauty the next I see ugly. I also know that what you put out in the universe that’s what people see and react to. It’s a matter of what mask to wear when trying to run from the reflection in the mirror.
“Run Boy Run” Woodkid Run boy run! This world is not made for you Run boy run! They’re trying to catch you Run boy run! Running is a victory Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills Run boy run! The sun will be guiding you Run boy run! They’re dying to stop you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! Break out from society Tomorrow is another day And you won’t have to hide away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run! Run boy run! This ride is a journey too Run boy run! The secret inside of you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! And disappear in the trees Tomorrow is another day And you won’t have to hide away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run! Tomorrow is another day And when the night fades away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run!