Today I need you to be quiet. Very quiet, in fact I need you to be very quiet that you can hear the sound of my heart beating. Thump, thump can you hear it? Racing so fast you can hear a musical patterning emerge. My heart beats like this in anticipation of what I am about to say. Shhh, can you hear that? It’s the ringing in my ear. Nervously my reaction to the thumping my heart beat is causing because what I have to say is so simple but true and that is I LOVE YOU!
Driving down this road hatred fills my eyes. Seeing red, I can feel the flames burning inside. Waiting for that one slip up to release the beast that dances within. Cool as the morning dew sweetly fills the air, still can’t stop this living hell I am in. The more I drive down this dangerous road the more I feel alive and ready to fight. Lying in wait, to pull the pin to explode. Looking in the rear view mirror I see the road I left behind. Plenty of rocks left in my wake to over take that turn. It’s all in the past now as I look forward still reeling with this anger. Coming to the stop light blinker on left turn, then another left turn pulling into the drive of the fortress of destitute, realizing another nightmarish hell. Seeing that brick wall I’m about to come crashing into just accepting this is my fate.
I don’t know where I am in the grand scheme of things. My head feels like a merry-go-round spinning in circles a never-ending circle. I want to stop, I need to stop but I can won’t you help me. Everything hurts, every words, laugh and cry is painful too sensitive to act too sad to be happy I need love to light the way. I am a prisoner to this fate bleak drowning deeper into the sea of void sinking lower than Moby Dick’s occupants. Not lacking in faith, wishing for a band-aid to cover the scab I’m slowing picking at, screaming in a crowded room with no one looking up not evening giving a glance I’m here with this demon. A constant companion these days speaks to me in ways no one can comprehend. Scared no, just concerned that my mind is no longer my own. Fighting the good fight staying above water in the hopes that one day this dynamic dance will be done.
Call me nuts that’s okay as they say a nut a day keeps the insane sane. My behavior shows a level of difference for I am not the same as all of you. It’s in the mind, my mind running thousand miles a minute shuffling through every idea analyzing every thought. It takes me time to catch up but don’t worry I will catch up. In this world my nuttiness is normal, here in this world everything I do makes sense. It’s only when I’m around this table do I see the dark. My soul is intact, my verbal skills doesn’t lack the need to be expressive. All my senses are alive and well thank you for asking. I’m not sure if it’s the meds or just a good day but what ever this is I hope it stays. I enjoy the feeling of controlled nuttiness.
Exploding into the midnight sky burning bright flying high, supernova reaches levels intensifying the mind. All of my senses engulfed by the flames, you stand there with this look on your face as if we’ve met before. White hot radioactive embers burning brightly through this space lifting levels of an a high then sinking deeper into the depths of the void. My soul set a blaze my light burning so brightly it’s blinding, the white heated embers reaching every level possible to let you know of the rebirth. I alike the Phoenix arose from the ash, I’m alive. Reborn just as in life I am birth, I live and I die. This is my exit goodnight and goodbye.
A world without your love is the world I find myself dwelling in. The lights were turned off when you closed your eyes forever. Alone here in the darkness I wait for you in my dreams. In anticipation seeing your beautiful face. Longing to hear your soft voice whisper those beautiful three words “I Love You”. I live in this world cold cruel and dead without your kind touch, without your encouragement. I don’t want to stay in this world without you anymore. I want to be where you are, dancing in your light. I want to stay in this light embraced in your loving arms within your unconditional love only a mother can give.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and yet as I stand here looking at the mess in the mirror I beg to differ. I’m not a beauty nor do I feel pretty. What I see is quite the opposite. I see ugly, useless, dirty person with no future. I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as the actress that grace the silver screen. I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as those models who are splashed on the cover of sports magazines. I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as the girl sitting across from me on the bus. I wish I had better eyes to see what you see a beautiful girl.
This post is inspired by writing prompt 86 write about something green – enjoy
Green is the color of envy or so they say. I wear green every day. Ask me if I’m green with envy and I would say HELL YES. I’m green with envy trying to pick the winning lotto numbers I can’t seem to buy. I’m green with envy at a job that don’t I’m alive. Sitting at a desk day in and day out mindless nothing not even messing about. Working for a wage that barely covers the rent. Living here in this expensive hell you’re better off spending you pennies on a tent. It’s the uber driver who takes you on a ride to voodoo land. Either stopping a few feet ahead taking the next fare behind you or driving the most indirect routes you sitting in the back watching the money run out.
Mommy please take my hand, hold it tight. I’m scared I won’t live through the night. These voices speak to me tell me to do things I don’t want to do. Their force, the powerful voices commends me to tell you this truth. I don’t want to live anymore. My behavior has caused so much pain. I don’t want you to cry anymore, but these powerful voices I can’t ignore anymore. If you can just sleep here tonight and hold me tight maybe they will go away.
As Oscar season comes to a close (thankfully) there are some who watched the red carpet and some who stayed and watched the whole show and there’s are those few rebels who just don’t give three rats tails about such things. I’m in this category but in the spirit of the Oscar I did catch some of the highlights and enjoyed the best Oscars speeches of twenty-nineteen. Social media particularly twitter is all a buzz about Oscars it’s one tweet that inspired this thought, if I was to win an Oscar (far-fetched I know but stay with me) what would be my Oscars speech?
Trey Stone is a brilliant author and blogger you can follow him on social media Twitter and Instagram. Follow his blogs at (treystone)