Category: Confessions Of A Manic Depressive

CLOSED FOR BUSINESS

Hello words masters, today we all back at work from a long weekend that for us here in California seen a lot of rocking and rolling but despite all that I manage to quitely come down for yet another episode. Unlike the 7.1 magnitude quake we experienced, this episode was small but last longer than normal.

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#LIKEONEANOTHER

Hey all you wonders of words, today I am super excited to be asked by this beautiful organization Public Good Projects to be apart of their campaign #likeoneanother. Like One Another is a campaign aimed to reduce the stigma of mental health by showing that we all are much alike. This campaign has a huge following with many different backgrounds, walks of like all committed to bring mental health awareness to the forefront. I am honored to be apart of such a great organization.

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THE HIGH CARD


The High Card

Hello all you wizards of words, it’s been a while since I blog. Well not true, I write everyday but a lot of my material doesn’t see the light of day. This thought, however, I been working on for a while now. I finally got the idea incoherent sentences because not everyone speaks Sunny Larue right. With this blog post I’m taking a different approach. Many of my ideas for a blog are inspired by my journal entry. When I tackled this reincarnation, I promised to be truthful in regards to my mental disorder or “Chum”. In fact, to be as brutally honest not matter how hard the topic is. Well what’s more honest then journal entries. I been holding back this side of my Chum. It’s very scary place the the dark side of my Chum. It’s a place of the unknown with little to no control. The links throughout this post are materials that helped me get through this episode.
This post is from my journal entry titled: “The High Card” May 30, 2019

Choosing Needles Over Opioids… A Pain Management ‘Case Study’ 
by
Catherine Mellen

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CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL

D I S C L A I M E R! I am not a licensed healthcare professional. This blog is based on my own personal opinion and experience and not to be used as a self diagnosis guide. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self harm or showing any symptoms of depression; SEEK MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FROM A LICENSE HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL or contact your local {Police Department}, {Fire Department}, {Hospital} or contact one of these facilities listed below or dial 9 1 1;

Vantage Point
National Institute of Mental Health
Substance Abused and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) 

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SURVIVING THE CHAOS, Warning Signs of Bipolar Depression

Hello all you masters of words, today I’m feeling a bit down and under the weather.  This week has been very tough in fact, this month has been very tough.  I feel like my words aren’t being heard and I’m falling deeper into my depression.  I put on a brave face, its all an act.  Whenever someone ask how I am doing my generic response is “I’m doing just fine” clearly not true. I should get the Academy Award for best fake-smile. I’m far from being fine. I’m far from being normal, I mean what is normal?  The truth is I’m scared, I feel beat-up and I’m worn-out.  I am terrified of the things I can’t control.  I blogged about this before where there’s such anxiety of things that haven’t happened that I spend weeks trying to control. It’s like your on a train the deer on the track you see it but this little time to react. Just buckle up and hope for the best.  I’m so worn-out I been play at this game with a defeater’s attitude.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, trying to be everything to everyone.  Struggling is a term that is often used when describing an bipolar depression episode, however, I am beyond struggling I’m drowning. No rock I can crawl under will help hide the pain I am in. 

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Sadness vs Depression

Sadness vs Depression Most people who don’t understand the difference between depression and sadness often get the two confused. It’s very difficult to articulate what an episode is like. When you are in the grips of a full on bipolar episode it’s difficult to navigate the muddy waters of dangerous.  These dangerous waters consists of emotions of feeling angry, helpless, guilt and for some ending it all.  When you are sad you get a little down but you are able to bounce back. Depression is quite the opposite. Your dealing with multitude of emotions all at once and your whole being can’t quite get a grip on reality.  Basicly is like a skydriver taking that jump confident the shoot will open only realizing halfway down your in trouble and there’s no one there to help break the fall. This is how I been feeling lately.  This feeling is what I call the uncontrollable factor.

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BITE YOUR LIP

I come to the conclusion when writing or blogging a thought or an idea to be honest.  When I write my words are a result from something traumatic in my life. These moments are like reflections.  Just like one would see a reflection in a mirror, words for a blogger/writer are just as such.  I find myself staring more and more at my words which are very emotional, raw, powerful and sometimes painful. Sometimes these emotions can be very difficult to face. It’s especially difficult putting yourself out on social media where the trolls thrive.  I often ask myself “is it worth the risk?”

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UNCONTROLLABLE CHAOS


uncontrollable thoughts

Uncontrollable thoughts I have many of them. I’m a manic-depressive, what do you expect. These thoughts seem to come out of nowhere causing great distress.  I find myself at the of the pen staring at pages of lists I created out of nowhere and for no apparent reasons.  It’s quite stressful trying to organize my chaotic thoughts.  My pattern is always the same which I found to be strangely ironic.  I will start an idea write it down spend time on it then lose interest.  When I go back I feel there’s nothing to go back too just a bunch of blah, blah. Sometimes I can’t keep things straight.  I feel like my head is a cork-board filled with thousands post-it-notes.  Every note is a piece of a puzzle I’m trying to put together.  Once the puzzle is complete I now have to find away to express these thoughts to the outside world in away that is healthy.  The stress is unbearable I’m thrown into a world that is dark with no light at the end of the tunnel.  All my thoughts are lost in the sea of nameless void prompting me to start all over. I really need to STOP and PAUSE because this adds to my stress level and heavens knows we do not need anything else adding to the state of confusion I already feel.

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DIARY OF A MANIC DEPRESSIVE

Twenty-nineteen started with an uncertainty I had no idea of what’s to come but I spent the last few weeks of twenty-eighteen stressing about it.  I don’t know why but I have this sick obsession of trying to control the future.  I worry about things and events that haven’t happened yet.  The anxiety is quite overwhelming but what makes this worse is that I put myself in this position.  I willingly make myself go nuts trying to control something that is uncontrollable.  

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IN THE TRENCHES

Just recently a really good friend of mine well more like a champion informed me that our thirty year high school reunion is happening this August.  He asked if I was plan on going.  I paused then responded with I don’t know.  It’s always difficult task going back to high school.  I can imagine it’s a tough time for most but for me it was my living hell nightmarish prison that I thought I would never escape. The anxiety of getting to school was a nightmare. I spent four years with a bunch of miserable assholes who pride themselves on being assholes becoming the target of many vicious attacks.  My four years were spent dodging bullets, ducking hand grenades and digging deep trenches to hide in.  Why on earth would I want to volunteer to spend one evening reliving that?

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WELCOME TO THE DANCE

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Hello, I’m Sunny Larue known as the professional martini drinking blogger storyteller. I was diagnosed with depression at sixteen.  My depression became manic at the beginning of twenty nineteen my Aunt passed then six months later the most important person in my life unexpectedly passed.  When my mother passed all of my neurotic depressive behavior intensely magnified. The pain of losing both my Aunt who also had a huge impact in life and my mother I created a dream world that I kept getting lost in.  I functioned like a “normal” person but honestly I felt like my dreaming world was taking over and spilling into reality.  Pretty scary. 

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