“The Stigma of Depression” Ashley Laderer
Today I feel the weight of the world crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. This heaviness is like an underdog wrestler pinning down an opponent winning the match. Unlike the wrestler, this is a match I won’t win today. This weight slowly grows & morphing into an uncontrollable desperation. Some days this desperation is far off in the distant allowing me tiny bit of joy but today this desperation I often refer to as “my chum” is here to stay.
💜💜💜
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Kee-a-boo I see you, I’m hiding a surprise. Putting my hands over my face then popping them out all over the place. Gracefully I sit on dad lap playing my favorite game of cat-and-mouse. Daddy likes to put one hand over his eyes I guess it makes sense his hands are big like a slices of apple pie. Mommy hands are smaller so she uses both to cover her eyes no cheating, no peeking or you’ll see the surprise.
My big brother, so gentle, so kind taught me how to ride a bike zoom, zoom flying down the big hill we go. My big brother, so lovable, so wise taught me how to count 1,2,3,4,5. My big brother so fun, so sweet he sits next to me when I am sick reading to me my favorite book so neat. My big brother, so warm, so endearing loves to give big hugs squeezing tightly like a bear hugging a tree ugh I can’t breathe. O
My big brother, who listens to the voices inside his head tells him to do bad things. My big brother, consumed by hallucinations & delusions sits in his dark room confused & withdrawn from the world. 
Fight you must fight to keep your mind I say, but mental illness doesn’t work that way. You see the voices now controls his every mood. My family once full of life is scared to move. One step out of place we will see schizophrenia ugly face. It’s a dance I rather not participate. The love I have will always remain no matter what face schizophrenia say it claims. I love all of my big brother the dark, the insane & the good. This baby sisters misses her big brother.
Moving at the speed of light. Floating high over the night sky. The white puffy clouds tries to greet me but only uttering a goodbye as I fly by to fast to stop to say hi. I’m moving so fast no time to slow down. A cool calm falls over me such gentle in nature & yet so familiar. I take advantage of this calm to look upwards the stars so tiny shimmering in the purple night like a diamonds bracelet. 
You will never admit you’re wrong. Sitting here having this last meal, this last drink with you I’m hearing everything but “I’m sorry for hurting you.” You and I our story ends here at this cafe and although I look deep into those ocean blue eyes, and just hope this is all a nasty dream apart of me wants to bite back. All the years I spent, time sacrificing my career to give you a home, family and love, you dare sit there and lay out how this ends.
Today you passed away without a whisper, without any mention, quietly without any notice. As we say goodbye, I look at you laying in this box not knowing who you truly are. Truthfully, I never really knew you other than what you displayed which is cold and distant. It didn’t have to be this way, but this mess is by design, your design. As I stand here with friends and family gathered to mourn your memory and somehow I’m expected to have some kind of reaction. I do have a reaction but it’s not the kind most here expect. How can I shed a tear for a man who when he divorced my mother he divorced me. And now twenty plus years later, now a adult with a family of my own, I’m standing here looking upon you in that box wondering did you miss me? Did you ever love me?
Lay me down to sleep here in this final of final resting place six feet deep. All alone naked like the day I was born, here in the dark and cold I’m not afraid anymore. I can hear faint voices whispering “I Miss You” spilling tears as if we were actual friends. Funny I never knew how much you cared. When I was alive you barely notice me. I was a shadow among a sea of the beautiful people. Faceless, nameless yes that was me. 
Today I hit a brick wall. Ran smack face first into this ten foot high wall. I took a step back licking my wombs only to discover this wall is nearly impossible to climb. Dynamic and dramatic as this situation is, I can only appreciate the blinders that cover my eyes
