Category: Featured

MY CHUM

depression-im-fine

“The Stigma of Depression” Ashley Laderer

Today I feel the weight of the world crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. This heaviness is like an underdog wrestler pinning down an opponent winning the match.  Unlike the wrestler, this is a match I won’t win today.  This weight slowly grows & morphing into an uncontrollable desperation. Some days this desperation is far off in the distant allowing me tiny bit of joy but today this desperation I often refer to as “my chum” is here to stay.  

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LACKING THE WORDS

This short is dedicated to you my beautiful babies Joshy, MoMo, Little Steve, Jay-Bird, NoNo, Mara & Monie who aren’t shy to be bold & to dream big reaching the stars & beyond. May your light grow brighter & shine bigger. I love you to the moon & back & beyond.

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TODAY

Today I walked into life with a new sense of hope.  Yesterday I cried longing for a past that was devastating carrying the scent of you.  Yesterday I closed my eyes & dreamed of a life with you.  Today I opened those eyes no longer trapped in what you appeared to be.  Yesterday I danced on the ledge contemplating a jump in the hopes you finally see me & not through. Today I walked into my new life with clear picture of who I am.  

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BROKEN

Don’t bother trying fix me I’m broken. I’m not broken from what you did to me but broken from what I allowed. I cannot control your view of me I, however, can control my reaction to your twisted distorted world.

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DING DONG 2018 IS GONE

Hello all you Kings & Queens of social media, we are at the start of a new year with new goals we all hope to achieve, new resolutions we won’t keep & a fresh start but for me starting the new year is often very stressful & overwhelming.  Twenty-eighteen has been a year of self discovery, growing & learning to let things go but I must say the few days leading up to January 1st, my anxiety level were at an all time high.  I live in a part of the US where my city falls behind most of the world time wise that is.  When most of you have celebrated, we’re still waiting to count down & there’s my anxiety falls into play.  The good news no disaster nor looming doom, no nothing really just another routine type of a day.  I ranged in the new year just as I have for the past ten years celebrating with friends very low-key usual finger foods, playing games & getting hammered.  I don’t know why I place so much on new years when I always survive the event.

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THIS PROMISE

New year promises comes as no surprise, this time each year we open our eyes. We see things that apparently we didn’t see all last year so we make unhealthy promises we know we can’t keep. Instead of making promises that reflects compassion & empathy we tend to seek out promises that frankly aren’t too deep.

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BEAUTIFUL WHITE

This beautiful white lives in a place that dances in the spotlight, where there’s no sound only myself to face. This beautiful white my only companion constantly holds me in contempt, all the way to my end. Holding my hand like my dearest of friend, we have a giggle or two reminded of a life that once was. Here in this place unrecognizable colors puts on a show waiting for that final applause, curtin call & off we go. Performing the final act, I fall deeper into my darkness. Watching the bright lights of my world fades like a final act in a movie. This beautiful white my new best friend shows me a signa llowing me to crack a grin. “You’ll be okay” speaks the voice within this white guiding me towards the dawns spotlight. Ever so gently, ever so sweet the voice whisper “you have nothing to fear” bring my spirit to a calm. My beautiful white my savor, my rescuer saves me from the heaviness of the darks plight. My champion of the night gives way to the strength I never knew. The strength to close these weary eyes set to sleep. A deep slunder that is so profound it’s comforting, it’s peaceful & it’s sound.

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AT CHRISTMAS TIME

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Thomas Kinkade photo

Snow starts falling gently turning the cobblestone ground from brown to white. Winter is here you can feel it in the air. Cool crisp gentle breeze blows from northern heights to southern low whispering seasons greetings as it goes. Dancing in this winter white wonderland kids playing in the snow, ice skaters ballerina draws a figure eight then turning spinning fast, faster nails a perfect stick. Little Timmy making snow Angel’s with Lloyd & Bo letting out giggles in delight as they watch their breath freeze in the brisk air. Ding, dong the church bells rings in the new hour, mother say “it’s time for lunch my child” off we go on our adventure.

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KEE-A-BOO

Screenshot_20181223-003629_GoogleKee-a-boo I see you, I’m hiding a surprise. Putting my hands over my face then popping them out all over the place.  Gracefully I sit on dad lap playing my favorite game of cat-and-mouse. Daddy likes to put one hand over his eyes I guess it makes sense his hands are big like a slices of apple pie. Mommy hands are smaller so she uses both to cover her eyes no cheating, no peeking or you’ll see the surprise.

🎄☃️🎄

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DESIRE

My heart screams out for you, a desire that only you can quench. Never wanting someone as badly as I want you. Dancing a slow dance, first flirtation then chemistry attraction now I got you in my sights. Moving in for the kill, a playful kiss finally my heart gets what it wants & my heart wants you!

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MY BIG BROTHER

new-big-brother-clipart-1My big brother, so gentle, so kind taught me how to ride a bike zoom, zoom flying down the big hill we go.  My big brother, so lovable, so wise taught me how to count 1,2,3,4,5.  My big brother so fun, so sweet he sits next to me when I am sick reading to me my favorite book so neat.  My big brother, so warm, so endearing loves to give big hugs squeezing tightly like a bear hugging a tree ugh I can’t breathe. One day my big brother stopped being so gentle, so kind.  He stopped being so lovable, so wise.  The big brother I come to know the one who taught me all I know cease to exist.  

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54662_webMy big brother, who listens to the voices inside his head tells him to do bad things.  My big brother, consumed by hallucinations & delusions sits in his dark room confused & withdrawn from the world.  My big brother a victim of “schizophrenia”, a word so big & hard to pronounce this baby sister is powerless to stop the dark.  My big brother whom I adore sits alone in the dark facing every hellish nightmare, the noise too loud for him to ignore.  

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download (1)Fight you must fight to keep your mind I say, but mental illness doesn’t work that way.  You see the voices now controls his every mood.  My family once full of life is scared to move.  One step out of place we will see schizophrenia ugly face.  It’s a dance I rather not participate. The love I have will always remain no matter what face schizophrenia say it claims.  I love all of my big brother the dark, the insane & the good.  This baby sisters misses her big brother.

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This short story is inspired by mental illness awareness.  One out of five people will suffer from mental illness.  We all are affected one way by someone who suffers from schizophrenia, bipolar & other mental disease.  We must show compassion, patience & love to help our loved one deal with this disease.  For more information on mental illness or need assistance please click on the link👉👉 Mental Health Services.

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Please show your support for my friend Nicole Carmen.  Her website (Navigating Darkness) deals with the subject of mental illness.  Her blogs are vivid on how she if affected by mental illness & she and advocate for mental illness awareness.  You can follow her on social media (ItsNicoleCarmen).  And check out her project for Mental Awareness & how you can participate (The Mental Health Awareness Project) & twitter (officialMHAP).  

Your not alone.

Remember

be Kind💜

be Creative📑

Drink Responsibly🍸🚖🚔

BEDROOM WINDOW

Sitting by my bedroom window starting my day with a coffee & a smile, watching the sun rays give a magnetic light show. Hues of orange & yellow reflections dancing on my walls.  The dawn awakens my senses so alive like never before. I feel this overwhelming fire burning inside of me like waves crashing along the shore. The dawn of a new day has begun.

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MOVING AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT!

largeMoving at the speed of light. Floating high over the night sky. The white puffy clouds tries to greet me but only uttering a goodbye as I fly by to fast to stop to say hi. I’m moving so fast no time to slow down. A cool calm falls over me such gentle in nature & yet so familiar. I take advantage of this calm to look upwards the stars so tiny shimmering in the purple night like a diamonds bracelet.  Here in this place is always purple, always blue, always dark like my dreams of you. Light moving too fast, memory play a vanishing act disappearing right before your eyes. Any rational thoughts escapes the endless void of nothing. I can’t even remember my name. Will I ever see the light again?

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GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER.

42155123-stock-vector-a-vector-illustration-of-people-having-dinner-party-togetherChristmas is that time of year where everything feels nice and cozy. People tend to be in a better mood. Yes of course there’s those who are a drag & those who are crooks but for the most part Christmas brings out that inner playful kid in all of us. Beside the rush of tackling the Christmas shopping, black Friday & cyber Monday preparing Christmas dinner is on everyone minds. As I put together my Christmas dinner menu, I got to thinking if I could have the ultimate Christmas dinner who would I invite as dinner guests? 

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LIEBSTER AWARD NOMINEE

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Hello my fellow Bloggers, Writers & Storytellers, it’s with great pleasure to announce my lovely friend Kat at “TheBoozyHousewife.com” has nominated me for “Liebster Awards”.  This is my first time being nominated & I can’t tell you how thrilled, excited & overjoyed that Kat thought of me.  You can follow Kat on twitter (@theboozyhousewife) & check out her blogs at theboozyhousewife.com.  Thank you Kat for your support.  

I have posted my answers to Kat’s questions as well as posting my own questions for bloggers I have nominated below.  Before we get to those Q & A here’s a little history about The Liebster Award, the Rules & how you can pay-it-forward.

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LET’S PLAY A GAME OF CHESS…..

Do you recall a time of your life when you couldn’t wait to turn eight-teen. Finding your independence, being youthful & full of life was just how they say bees knees. Taking on multiple projects & still have the strength go get up go to that job that pays the bills.  Still being youthful does have some set backs.  You’re not quite sure who you are yet so you go through the first stage of adulthood exploring, exploring all the available options then about twenty-nine you think you got life all figure out.  You go off get married, start a family, secure a well paying job falling into a nice comfortable mid-class situation leaving all that spicy youthful mischief behind.

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HURT

broken-heart-clipart-divorced-parent-8You will never admit you’re wrong. Sitting here having this last meal, this last drink with you I’m hearing everything but “I’m sorry for hurting you.” You and I our story ends here at this cafe and although I look deep into those ocean blue eyes, and just hope this is all a nasty dream apart of me wants to bite back. All the years I spent, time sacrificing my career to give you a home, family and love, you dare sit there and lay out how this ends.

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TODAY….

pexels-photo-55529Today you passed away without a whisper, without any mention, quietly without any notice. As we say goodbye, I look at you laying in this box not knowing who you truly are. Truthfully, I never really knew you other than what you displayed which is cold and distant. It didn’t have to be this way, but this mess is by design, your design. As I stand here with friends and family gathered to mourn your memory and somehow I’m expected to have some kind of reaction. I do have a reaction but it’s not the kind most here expect. How can I shed a tear for a man who when he divorced my mother he divorced me. And now twenty plus years later, now a adult with a family of my own, I’m standing here looking upon you in that box wondering did you miss me? Did you ever love me?

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WHEN I DIED

32749423-stock-vector-illustration-featuring-people-weeping-at-a-funeral-serviceLay me down to sleep here in this final of final resting place six feet deep.  All alone naked like the day I was born, here in the dark and cold I’m not afraid anymore.  I can hear faint voices whispering “I Miss You” spilling tears as if we were actual friends. Funny I never knew how much you cared. When I was alive you barely notice me.  I was a shadow among a sea of the beautiful people.  Faceless, nameless yes that was me. Everyone standing over me dressed in black, as if I’m the Queen and they’re my guard. Umbrella’s filling the sky protecting those from the elements that came to mourn me. Finally I am popular to all.

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EDIT BUTTON

Have you ever wonder if you had a “edit button” that you can push and reset you life would you push it?  I often think about how easy that would be to edit out the parts of life that are painful to face.  Of course that’s crazy, all parts of life are important. The good the bad and the ugly, feeling all of that is what makes us tick. However, if you had that option what part of your life would you edit?  A memory? A missed opportunity? This is the topic for today blog post “Edit Button”.

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THE BRICK WALL

 

To-bang-your-head-against-a-wallToday I hit a brick wall. Ran smack face first into this ten foot high wall. I took a step back licking my wombs only to discover this wall is nearly impossible to climb. Dynamic and dramatic as this situation is, I can only appreciate the blinders that cover my eyes. After spending hours trying to find a work-around, I sit and contemplate my next move. Exhausting every avenue, I begin to think how did I get here? Where did this wall come from? As I began to trace my steps back I notice something spectacular, the wall begins to crumble brick by brick tumbling down.

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VILLAIN?

If you follow me on social media then you know this is a touchy topic but one that needs to be visited and revisited from time to time. This blog post is about LGBTQ community and what they face in Trump’s America. Now I understand that I said there’s not political chat in my blogs but hell bells this is important topic and as a blogger it’s my duty to share.

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CONCERTS

There’s not a person on this planet that hasn’t attended a concert.  Whether it’s rock, rap, r&b or classical we all love a good concert.  There’s something freeing about rocking out to your favorite artist.  Although the record is great there’s nothing like hearing your favorite song live.  This past weekend I finally got around to seeing “Bohemian Rhapsody” we all know that Queen took part in the Live Aid concerts back in the mid eighty’s  it was one of their highlighting moment.  To see the guys so electric, so energized is amazing.  That concert footage is the inspiration for this blog post “Concerts”.

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THIS FEAR WITHIN ME

I normally start my blog off with some witty line or some corn-ball jazz clever line for introduction, but for today’s blog post I thought I be joke-less because really there isn’t anything funny about “Cancer”. I was touched by many people’s stories of survival and how the process effected their lives that I am inspired and ready to share the fear or what I’m struggling with one year later.

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