Punching, Biting, Screaming, Kicking and Fighting I’m crushed under the heavy weight of your words. Ugly, Fat, Stupid, Useless, Weak are the words utter from your mouth. Every punch is like a knife cutting deeper and deeper until I can’t bleed no more. In grandeur style you draw back your bow ready for the kill carefully crafting your next move.Continue reading “Nostalgic Beauty Escapes You”
Looking out of this car window I have seen better days. The sun rays shines yellow then orange. The glow reflecting all the tiny specks of dust that have settle here. Each speck respresents a moment in time frozen on my windshield. If you can read them you will see a picture emerge, of a life span of love, loss, fight. Each grain details a life of endurance reading like the lines running across a hands.
Today I stepped across the state line into Sin City. Yes that place where one can indulge in every sinful pleasure. That place where your every ambition appetite is fed. Sin City is where the she-devils roam free along hiding the well best kept secret. You come here boy dancing with the devils you might as well leave your soul at the door. In this sea of buffets you don’t come for a salad.
As a child I thought my big lips were my downfall. Everyday I would get teased about the size of my lips. As far back as I can remember, as I grew my lips grew two size larger. In class I would sit and daydream about having plastic surgery to have them deflated. Momma use say “oh they’re all jealous because God gifted you these lips.” Jealous huh? It doesn’t feel that way when the kids point and laugh. I was called every name in the book every derogatory clever name created I was called.
Everyday my torture would continue. I wake up dreading going to school. Momma made sure I was up and ready in time for school. She even had my brother walk me to the bus stop to prevent the kids from picking on me. That tact worked until I got onto the bus. Scared I would try to sit as close to the front by the bus driver this way the the torture wouldn’t be as bad. My friends did their best to try and block the abuse. Walking me to class, walking me to my locker and then the bus stop but there’s was no stopping the hateful bullying I had to endure.
Now in High School the same kids my tormentors constantly having a go at me. Slowly chipping away at myself esteem. Even new kids jumped on the bandwagon. Gone is my shield, my protection of my crew from Jr. High. We all are scattered in different directions, different schools like the decaying brown autumn leaves blowing in the wind. I am alone in my torture. Everyday I am reminded how ugly I am, how my big lips takes up the bottom part of my face. This is during the eighties, we didn’t have social media, internet, no public support like it is today. We were told to toughen up or fight back or stand up for yourself. Momma told me until I fight back, I will be picked on. I don’t think momma had any idea how bad this has become. I felt like I was going to the fortress of HELL everyday trying to avoid my tormentors.
One day going to history class, the main bully was on it. Just nonstop with the vicious attacks. Momma always said “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me, as long as she doesn’t put her hands on you you’ll be okay” well momma didn’t have to go to school and deal with this hell. I tried to convince myself of that and I can deal with her taunts. As we walk into class, this chick proceeds to come over to my desk standing over me yelling her insults. Getting into my space, I mean really getting into my face I can smell her nasty hot breathe burning my nose hairs. Gaining an audience her taunts gets even more vicious. I get up to leave and she pushes me down. I get up she pushes me down again. Third attempt she put her hand on my chest, I grabbed her hand bending her fingers back standing up and pushing her back. She tumbles over the desk behind her falling to the ground. I grab my backpack and slam it into her face across her eye. Feeling full of myself, I drop my backpack and land a punch boom right in the kisser. Teacher coming breaking us up I say to her “now who has the big porn lips bitch!”.
Off to the principal office we go. We sat as the principal called our parents. I’m looking at her and now her lip is bleeding. It dawned on me what I did and I have to face my Momma. My mother finally getting to school, I see her walking down the hall with that look. You know that look when school officials calls a parent then said parent have to leave work missing out on hours of pay to come and deal with the trouble child. I was terrified. The only person who can ever put the fear of God in me is my Momma. I tried to be perfect just so I wouldn’t let her down and now I’m sitting here outside of the principal office in trouble for fighting that’s very disappointing. No matter how bad the torture is and how much of it I had to endure nothing is as bad as physical violence towards another. I shouldn’t have let it get to this point the point of violence.
Momma walks in looks at me and at my tormentor passing us to the secretary. Principal comes greeting her as they walked into his office. The door shut closed. I hear muffled sounds between the two seeing the shadows of them through the glass panel door. I am focused on Momma. Watching her shadow seeing if I can get a read and how to prepare myself for certain death. It’s funny, I got bullied for a long time, the one time I fought back now I’m in fear of the consequences the irony of it all. I was more scared of Momma then my tormentor. As I was thinking of what to say trying to come up with some type of defensive the door swung open, Momma had that look on her face like she just went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson and won. The principal comes out behind her trying to calm her down. Momma then turns to him getting up in his face pointing her finger and said “you knew about this! If you suspend my baby for defending herself I will bring this school to its knees!” She turns to me and say “let’s go!” Momma then turns to my tormentor and said “next time you decided to bully my daughter, I will put bricks in her backpack and this time when she hit you will have a lump to go with that busted lip!” Out of the office we walked.
I looked at my mother differently from then on. She’s a single mother of six kids. She managed to keep us all out of trouble. She kept a roof over our heads and food in our belly. It’s was hard for her when my father left us but she never let our circustances get the better of us. I had no idea weeks before Momma called the school telling the principal of my daily torture. I didn’t think momma had a clue how bad this was for me that is until my big mouth sister telling my secret. Her noisness always got the better of her where I was concerned. She loved ratting me out to Momma. We got into the car she looked at me asking me why did I put up with this for so long? My response “I didn’t want to cause trouble”. Momma then gave me some advice she said “never ever let anyone put you down. You have the right to defend your character.” She’s was right.
Years later now at forty-five, I ran into my tormentor or I should say she ran into me literally. I didn’t recognize her but she sure remember me. I hear this person speak my name. I now got my beautiful babies the three J’s. I’m trying to wrangle them up in the car along with my groceries, still I hear that raspy voice speaking my name. She comes over and proceeds to speak. I’m looking at her yes she’s familiar but I can’t put my finger on it. She tells me her name and in shock I see this plastic barbie doll. We got to talking she tells me about her life she’s now wealthy due to three divorces and hubby number four is a surgeon. She tells me how she transformed becoming a better person. She had weight loss surgery, face lift, fillers and such. All I kept thinking about is for years you picked on me because of my natural lips and now she has to pay for hers #irony. I wanted so badly to tell her all the damage she caused the hell she put me through. All the therapy, the self help books, relationships, learning how to cope all of it I spent years trying to overcome. I didn’t why? Because at that moment I looked at her then looked at my babies I’m blessed, I survived.
We stood in the grocery store parking lot about thirty minutes chatting it up. She then starts to cry and offers up an apology for all the harm she caused which I accepted. as we saying goodbye she hands me a card with her number on it. Looking at the card I can see she’s gave herself the title of PR person. She tells me she doesn’t expect to hear from me but she hopes that I would give her a call and be willing to have coffee. She’s right I didn’t call sorry but some old wombs still hurt no matter how much time have passed. This is a can of worms I don’t want to open. However, I did thank her because if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t have learned a valuable lesson. Because of her I learned how to toughen up. I gained a sense of myself worth. I know now what I will tolerate and what I won’t. If I didn’t experience her torture I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today.
“You can’t control how people treat to you, you can only control how you react to them”
Let’s be kind to each other.
Tonight I close my eyes and dream a little dream of you. I see you dancing like a tiny firefly. I reach out to you, you taking my hand planting a gentle kiss “my lady” sweeping me off dancing in a wonderland of beauty. Around and around we go the butterflies and lady bugs a little envy joins us in the mystical joyful wonderland delight. I see your handsome smile, I hear your heavy laughter, I smell your aftershave my gosh you are so beautiful, I am lost in you. The night sky blue and purple the stars twinkle like perfect white diamonds as you and I dance the night away. All I want is this moment. All I is to be here with you together forever in this perfect paradise.
Spinning around you look into my eyes with that devlish smile and say “my love it’s time to say goodbye.” My heart pounding as if it wants to hop out of my chest my eyes fills with tears mouthing the words my love I don’t want to say goodbye. My love plants a gentle kiss on my forehead “I love you it’s not so bad here.” Wait Wait I mouth please don’t leave me here. “My love, I will be right here where the heart is waiting for you. Goodbye isn’t forever.”
I open my eyes awaking to the quiet. The nothingness fills the stale air. I awake to the isolation of my house now a prison to the memory that once was. Walking through this empty house that was once filled with joy, laughter and love is now filled with emptiness. The life I once knew is gone. This is what it means to say goodbye. Oh how I hate that word.
This short story is inspired by Writing Prompt #39 Saying Goodbyes.
Awoke to the sounds of people screams down on the street. In curiosity I rush to my feet get dress and let my nosiness take over. Running down 7 flights of stairs 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 ,1 or something like that. Down on the street, I’m greeted by the chaos. People running around like chicken with their heads cut off. Looking over to my left I see my neighbor Kyle standing still looking up at the sky which is partly bright blue and partly fiery red. Kyle who just turned 40, points towards the sky asking “do you see it?” Looking upwards me responding with just a simple head shake YES in disbelief.
You’re no good for me this I know. You’re so beautiful and yet so sinful. I can’t control whatever this is. I feel like a child licking the bottom of the brownie bowl pure indulgence, pure heaven and so bad. So for now I will let whatever this is go. I will admire you from a distant because everything you are is devilishly wicked bad bad bad and yet so beautiful. Your heat is the fire to my flame. Burning deep down to my soul. I’m slowly falling, falling hard into your clutches like insects drawn to venus fly trap. I know you want me, I see the signs, a little flirtation here, a little sinful smile there, a gentle brush up against my arm sending chills down my spine, making the all the hairs on my body stand at attention. I know you want to hit this, I want you too that’s no lie by I’m not going down without a fight.
Summertime is hot like the core of the Milky Way, burning through my skin like the sun rays beating down on tanned beach bodies. The foam white waves crash upon the shore running back to the ocean leaving secrets on the beach floor. Crashing waves breaks between rocks spraying a cool mist falling gently on my burnt skin.
People loosely dressed in skinnies, skin wet dripping in sweat, guys and girls trying to find that perfect spot packed up on the coast line. Surfboards lined up as far as your eye can see like Emperor Penguins lining up in formation migrating home. “Hello” beach bum “how are you today?” “Show me a move or two on your board out on the waves.”
Autumn leaves are falling stripping the trees bare. There’s a crisp breeze dancing in the air. The smells of pumpkin spice and everything nice is everywhere. You and I sit on the porch welcoming the Autumn dawn. It’s that time of year again when I think of you most. Red, brown and yellow leaves falling around us and you holding me in your arms like a warm blanket on this Autumn day. Squeezing tighter and tighter, I can feel your heartbeat against my back. I can feel your warm breath on my neck, submerged in your embrace knowing that no one will ever love me in this way.
Hello my name is Misery have we met? Yes we have in fact we were introduced by a mutual friend hatred. Oh that’s swell but as I remember you barely know me so let me give you a history about myself. As I stated I am Misery, I am like cancer that grows and fester right to the heart of men. You can not defeat me because I am learned process that takes years to master. Unlike leeches who will suck you dry eventually letting go or like snakes striking swiftly, quickly leaving death instantly, I take my time. I slowly invade your body, your mind, your soul spreading my disease to every single part of your body until there’s nothing left. I don’t know of compassion, empathy, love, respect, nor do I care. I only know despair, depression, addiction and of course my old friend hatred. Fight me, I will bring you to your knees. What do they say about me? “Misery loves company!”. I will admit some people have escape my grasp. Those who have escape are very strong, powerful, determined and know their self-worth. Most of you aren’t that powerful unwilling to overcome me allowing me to continue to spread. Now that we been properly introduced………….
The lesson of this story is just because misery loves company doesn’t mean you have to accept the invite.