Today is Wed a hump day which is generally my favorite day of the week simply because I can say “Hump Day” and no one will get offended. Today been a busy day at my paying job. Looking around the office I noticing the colors a bright yellow, pink & green which is all good colors good sign and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“You knock me out like a wrecking crew I’m back on my feet and all over you Faster than I’ve ever been before”
It’s Friday and I’m still feeling the pressure. This week has been brutal. I’m still reeling from my meltdown and now I’m getting pressure from work. This co-worker is notorious for doing this to me. He waits until the last possible minute then gives me work saying he needs ASAP. That’s the thing about working at this firm they don’t teach you anything it’s a crash and burn situation.
“I don’t allow myself to be human therefore my feelings of hurt, frustration and anger don’t have any value. This process invalidates me as a person. That’s the one thing I truly dislike about myself.”
Yesterday my Chum paid me a visit. True to rock star form, my Chum wasn’t alone. This time Chum brought band mates Manic, Doubt and Panic. Together this dynamic foursome tore the hotel room apart. It was a complete meltdown to the point I had to call my safe person who always pulls me back from the ledge. My meltdown was beyond hitting my trigger the red brick wall, I ran smack dead into it, through it and over the edge. Hanging on by the grip of my fingers I placed the call. I haven’t had that kind of breakdown in a while. My problem is I let things build up until I blow my top a trait I’m working on overcoming, however, I did see this one coming. At this point lacking control, there’s really little to do. I buckled up, stayed on the run-away train bracing for the wreck and hoping for the best.
Today I feel the weight of the world crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. This heaviness is like an underdog wrestler pinning down an opponent winning the match. Unlike the wrestler, this is a match I won’t win today. This weight slowly grows & morphing into an uncontrollable desperation. Some days this desperation is far off in the distant allowing me tiny bit of joy but today this desperation I often refer to as “my chum” is here to stay.