Hello Kings & Queens of the Social Media, this is the start of a new year & a start to a new adventure for my blogging website. As I grow deeper into this beautiful community of blogging, I’m finding some amazing bloggers, writers & storytellers that produces inspiring material. This post is about showcasing these wonderful wizards or words. Please join me in celebrating them & their writings.
The power of Red fills my head with hatred and dread. Unlike the color of azul a Noble blue that binds the soul with peace. It’s not Red’s fault, she’s always been this way. Red is trying not to be so negative, so envy of her friend Noble Blue. According to plan, Red path is sealed with a kiss. Alone in her convictions, Red stands alone on the banks of Crossroads Benny beach waiting for a chance to make a new path to enlightenment. Off in the distant bobbing in the water, bottle but not any bottle. This bottle came a long way containing a message from an old friend. This friend message reads; “Hear these words, Red you’re not as hateful or dreadful. Even the coldest of hearts can be undone. Through these inspirational thoughts of love, compassion, empathy and respect can be represented in the hearts of the cold. It’s never too late for change and growth.”
Today I am feeling lower than I can possibly go. It’s shows. My emotions are compromised and my strength my armor is slowly being chipped away. With every frown or crossed stare I get from the powers to be, a crack appears on my armor. If I stay here in this space, I fear there won’t be anything left. It’s like that situation where you’re in a crowded room enjoying the scene then that evil force walks in sucking all the air and life out that’s how the current work space is. Here it’s quite clear we all play by a different set of rules. I should know this by now. Naivety I hoped things would get better but with each inopportune moment is a slap in the face. Yes they talk a good game but the truth is there’s no room for growth well if you are me in my position. With all my experience the only thing I am good for is to sit here answering the few calls that comes through.
I come to the conclusion when writing or blogging a thought or an idea to be honest. When I write my words are a result from something traumatic in my life. These moments are like reflections. Just like one would see a reflection in a mirror, words for a blogger/writer are just as such. I find myself staring more and more at my words which are very emotional, raw, powerful and sometimes painful. Sometimes these emotions can be very difficult to face. It’s especially difficult putting yourself out on social media where the trolls thrive. I often ask myself “is it worth the risk?”
Hello all you wizards of words, the last few days my trigger button was pushed and the security door was open letting out my Chum in all his forms. Today I’m feeling better, in fact feeling good enough to dive head first participating in a weekly ritual those of us on social media “Throw Back Thursday”. The inspiration for this memory is my eighties playlist. With songs like “I Ran”, “Union Of The Snake”, “Your Love” I am transported back to my Jr. High years. It was a time where my life completely changed. Taking on new responsibilities as my generation steps one foot closer to adulthood. It’s funny when you’re a kid you spend your childhood trying to convince everyone you’re old enough to handle things than once you become an adult, you spend the rest of your life trying to recoup your childhood. I guess this is why trending fads like Flashback Fridays or Throw Back Tuesdays are most popular.
Driving down this road hatred fills my eyes. Seeing red, I can feel the flames burning inside. Waiting for that one slip up to release the beast that dances within. Cool as the morning dew sweetly fills the air, still can’t stop this living hell I am in. The more I drive down this dangerous road the more I feel alive and ready to fight. Lying in wait, to pull the pin to explode. Looking in the rear view mirror I see the road I left behind. Plenty of rocks left in my wake to over take that turn. It’s all in the past now as I look forward still reeling with this anger. Coming to the stop light blinker on left turn, then another left turn pulling into the drive of the fortress of destitute, realizing another nightmarish hell. Seeing that brick wall I’m about to come crashing into just accepting this is my fate.
I don’t know where I am in the grand scheme of things. My head feels like a merry-go-round spinning in circles a never-ending circle. I want to stop, I need to stop but I can won’t you help me. Everything hurts, every words, laugh and cry is painful too sensitive to act too sad to be happy I need love to light the way. I am a prisoner to this fate bleak drowning deeper into the sea of void sinking lower than Moby Dick’s occupants. Not lacking in faith, wishing for a band-aid to cover the scab I’m slowing picking at, screaming in a crowded room with no one looking up not evening giving a glance I’m here with this demon. A constant companion these days speaks to me in ways no one can comprehend. Scared no, just concerned that my mind is no longer my own. Fighting the good fight staying above water in the hopes that one day this dynamic dance will be done.
Uncontrollable thoughts I have many of them. I’m a manic-depressive, what do you expect. These thoughts seem to come out of nowhere causing great distress. I find myself at the of the pen staring at pages of lists I created out of nowhere and for no apparent reasons. It’s quite stressful trying to organize my chaotic thoughts. My pattern is always the same which I found to be strangely ironic. I will start an idea write it down spend time on it then lose interest. When I go back I feel there’s nothing to go back too just a bunch of blah, blah. Sometimes I can’t keep things straight. I feel like my head is a cork-board filled with thousands post-it-notes. Every note is a piece of a puzzle I’m trying to put together. Once the puzzle is complete I now have to find away to express these thoughts to the outside world in away that is healthy. The stress is unbearable I’m thrown into a world that is dark with no light at the end of the tunnel. All my thoughts are lost in the sea of nameless void prompting me to start all over. I really need to STOP and PAUSE because this adds to my stress level and heavens knows we do not need anything else adding to the state of confusion I already feel.
Call me nuts that’s okay as they say a nut a day keeps the insane sane. My behavior shows a level of difference for I am not the same as all of you. It’s in the mind, my mind running thousand miles a minute shuffling through every idea analyzing every thought. It takes me time to catch up but don’t worry I will catch up. In this world my nuttiness is normal, here in this world everything I do makes sense. It’s only when I’m around this table do I see the dark. My soul is intact, my verbal skills doesn’t lack the need to be expressive. All my senses are alive and well thank you for asking. I’m not sure if it’s the meds or just a good day but what ever this is I hope it stays. I enjoy the feeling of controlled nuttiness.
Twenty-nineteen started with an uncertainty I had no idea of what’s to come but I spent the last few weeks of twenty-eighteen stressing about it. I don’t know why but I have this sick obsession of trying to control the future. I worry about things and events that haven’t happened yet. The anxiety is quite overwhelming but what makes this worse is that I put myself in this position. I willingly make myself go nuts trying to control something that is uncontrollable.