Today I’m feeling a bit blah. Not sad but not quite happy either. I’m in between the two. I call this stage of my manic depression “the blah factor.” It’s a numbing feeling. I don’t care about things as much as I should when I visit this stage. Having a mental disorder you’re on a constant roller coast ride up and down back and forth its rare your able to get off.
“I’m going to Grandma and to Grandpa’s too. I’m going to Grandma wondering what to do. I’m going to Grandma please meet me there and I shall be all so happy apond thanksgiving day. We shall have coffee so shall we. We shall have pumpkin and tea, we shall everything all so nice when we get to Grandma’s house.”
A song sang through generations of Carroll’s family in honor of the women who shaped our lives. This short story is inspired by the love of the one woman who is the glue of our family. Through her guidence, faith and dispiline she taught us respect and love. What way to honor my Grandma on Valentine’s day then sharing a memory of love.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm please call 911 immediately or contact the National Suicide Lifeline 24/7 (800) 273-8255
Feeling a little tested today. A well-known and liked celebrity Kristoff St. John passed by heart failure but some would say he passed from a broken heart. His son who committed suicide in twenty-fourteen suffered from mental illness. It’s always sad to see someone lose a battle whether from a disease like cancer or heart issues or mental illness. Its a horrible setback. I truly feel terribly sad for his family and those left behind. You never know what a person is going through especially a person struggling with mental health issues.
Today is Wed a hump day which is generally my favorite day of the week simply because I can say “Hump Day” and no one will get offended. Today been a busy day at my paying job. Looking around the office I noticing the colors a bright yellow, pink & green which is all good colors good sign and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hello everyone, I don’t know where to start in regards to this blog post. This issue has been a thorn in my side for a long time all my adult life. I am a social butterfly but this has been a topic of conversation too many time. Let me start with this, I really don’t like it when my “friend” introduce me as “oh meet my black white friend”. REALLY, that’s how you’re gonna roll? Reading through the comments on my social media (sunnylarue on facebook), I notice a few people don’t get why this is such an issue for me and why I get so offended. I thought this would be a good blog to chat about.
Remember when you held my hand as we rode the scary rollercoaster all day by the seashore. Screaming indulging in fun partying in the light. Oh do you remember when we crashed your sister’s birthday party bouncing around like two kids on a treasure hunt. Remember when I held your hair back when you were drunk. Remember when I hugged you when you got dumped. Remember when I did your homework so you can make out with that biker guy. Remember that expensive shopping trip we took celebrating your promotion.
“I don’t allow myself to be human therefore my feelings of hurt, frustration and anger don’t have any value. This process invalidates me as a person. That’s the one thing I truly dislike about myself.”
Yesterday my Chum paid me a visit. True to rock star form, my Chum wasn’t alone. This time Chum brought band mates Manic, Doubt and Panic. Together this dynamic foursome tore the hotel room apart. It was a complete meltdown to the point I had to call my safe person who always pulls me back from the ledge. My meltdown was beyond hitting my trigger the red brick wall, I ran smack dead into it, through it and over the edge. Hanging on by the grip of my fingers I placed the call. I haven’t had that kind of breakdown in a while. My problem is I let things build up until I blow my top a trait I’m working on overcoming, however, I did see this one coming. At this point lacking control, there’s really little to do. I buckled up, stayed on the run-away train bracing for the wreck and hoping for the best.
This short is dedicated to you my beautiful babies Joshy, MoMo, Little Steve, Jay-Bird, NoNo, Mara & Monie who aren’t shy to be bold & to dream big reaching the stars & beyond. May your light grow brighter & shine bigger. I love you to the moon & back & beyond.
Sitting here staring at a face I vaguely recognize. Every line, every crack tells a story of a life long lived. The story started with a young vibrant soul searching deep down looking for that light. A light that shines so brightly like headlights illuminating the darkest of nights. Descending into a world of club babies, I see my beacon of light dimming fading out into the night. My heart holding onto a reality that’s not quite clear, let’s take a trip a club baby yells out. Yes let’s go running with the night, off onto another adventure.
Dancing in the light seeing you for the first time it would seems but these eyes has seen many versions of you. My weary eyes grows tired now. Old and not what they use to be but I still can see you my love dancing in the light. The heaviness falls over these eyes I’m in a fight to keep them open struggling giving it all I can.