Hello, I’m Sunny Larue known as the professional martini drinking blogger and diagnosed with bipolar. For my last blog post of twenty-nineteen, I thought I would finish a draft from summer where struggling with my mental state was very apparent. It’s no secret that one major contributing factors to my triggers is work related. This episode is a result of the stress of dealing with a workplace bully, unorganization of a temporary desk move and the loud sound of office renovation. Because of the chaos, I couldn’t jot down my thoughts in my journal instead I used post-it-notes and paper napkins. Once I pieced together my thoughts this blog took shape. Apologizing in advance my thoughts were all over the place. This happens when one is in the throws of a full blown bipolar episode.
Spinning around on the turntable, as we (my friend and I) sit listening to High N’ Dry album by Def Leppard in celebration of a new 2020 world tour featuring the reunion of Motley Crue and Poison, Mirror Mirror, Look Into My Eyes comes on and we’re in awl of the amazing sound blaring from the speakers. Joe’s sings “Gonna have to smash the glass”, my buddy says to me “it’s a fool who can admit defeat.” My response is “if this is true then why do we run from our reflection in the mirror?” Hello all you Santa’s little helpers today’s blog is inspired by Def Leppard’s song Mirror Mirror Look Into My Eyes and why we run from our reflection in the mirror. There are many reasons why we run but the main reason is we don’t like to face the truth.
Def Leppard “Mirror, Mirror (Look Into My Eyes)” Mirror mirror Just watchin’ with your eye of glass You’re just a fortune wheel With something that I wanna ask Mirror mirror Got my fate lyin’ in your hands You’re the fool, you’re the juggler Hangman and lover, you’re not like no other Take a look into my eyes Tell me what you see Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it true? Take a look into my eyes Oh when I look at you Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it me? Is it really me? Mirror mirror Gotta know just what you see My crystal ball You’re lookin’ so sly and so sleazy Mirror mirror Hangin’ there with that crack in your eye You make me stumble, make me blind Time after time and line by line [Repeat Chorus] Mirror mirror Oh tell me You’re the fool, you’re the juggler I ain’t met a lover, you’re like no other Take a look into my eyes Tell me what you see Take a look into my eyes Tell me is it true? Take a look into my eyes Oh it just can’t last Take a look into my eyes Gonna have to smash the glass Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look Take a look into my eyes Oh yeah Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Take a look Take a look into my eyes Look into my eyes Take a look into my eyes Tell me if it’s me Baby, baby, baby, baby Baby, baby, baby, baby
Can’t Stop Running
We run from the abuse. We run because of the hurt. We run to escape the pain of living. We drown our sorrows with drugs, drink and other bad behaviors. We run because it’s easy. Face it no one willingly accepts the hard way but we run into situations that isn’t the best taking a lifetime to learn the lesson. We don’t stop to think “is this what I should be doing?” It’s hard to hold the mirror up and actually love the person staring back.
Janie’s Got A Gun Aerosmith Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done? Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound of my gun. Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done? Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Her whole world’s come undone From lookin’ straight at the sun What did her daddy do? What did he put you through? They said when Janie was arrested they found him underneath a train But man, he had it comin’ Now that Janie’s got a gun she ain’t never gonna be the same. Janie’s got a gun, Janie’s got a gun Her dog day’s just begun Now everybody is on the run Tell me now it’s untrue. What did her daddy do? He jacked a little bitty baby The man has got to be insane They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Run away, run away, run, run away Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Her dog day’s just begun Now everybody is on the run What did her daddy do? It’s Janie’s last I.O.U. She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain She said ’cause nobody believes me. The man was such a sleeze. He ain’t never gonna be the same. Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Run away, run away, run, run away Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Janie’s got a gun Everybody is on the run
Facing The Flaws
Facing up to flaws that every human processes is down right scary especially for those who suffer from mental health. Speaking from personal experience, I sometimes see an ugly reflection. Sometimes when I look at my reflection I see sorrow, pain, hurt and distrust. I don’t know why that is. I went from being in a bubble, to introvert to a social person and to have this view is really iscine. I do have low self esteem but not in the way most views self esteem. My Achilles heel is my Chum. I believe wholeheartedly that relationships and my Chum is a cocktail not worth drinking. No man on this planet would ever want to be in a relationship with such an ugly disturbed person. No one would want to have a friendship with someone who can’t properly articulate coherent sentences. When I express this side of my Chum to family and friends I get this “it’s not rejection because of your looks or Chum but you are intimidating and strong willed and most people have a hard time dealing with that.” Really? The truth is I’m bipolar, my highs and lows are a daily struggle. One day I see beauty the next I see ugly. I also know that what you put out in the universe that’s what people see and react to. It’s a matter of what mask to wear when trying to run from the reflection in the mirror.
“Run Boy Run” Woodkid Run boy run! This world is not made for you Run boy run! They’re trying to catch you Run boy run! Running is a victory Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills Run boy run! The sun will be guiding you Run boy run! They’re dying to stop you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! Break out from society Tomorrow is another day And you won’t have to hide away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run! Run boy run! This ride is a journey too Run boy run! The secret inside of you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! And disappear in the trees Tomorrow is another day And you won’t have to hide away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run! Tomorrow is another day And when the night fades away You’ll be a man, boy! But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run!
WARNING: This post is of an opinion and based on personal experience. Sunny Larue is not a licensed physician or licensed therapist. The information used for this blog is on research basis only. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self harm, dial 911 or local emergency operator or contact National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255. NSPH services are open to the public 24/7. If you are struggling with mental illness, mental disorder or know someone who is struggling and need more information or assistance contact your local Church, Mental Health Clinic, local Hospital or Healthcare Provider.
Hello all you beautiful words commanders, this is typically how I start off my blogs but with this post I want to try a different approach. This blog will showcase five short stories. These stories are a reflection of a person’s fight for survival in a world of darkness of gray. The lines between reality aren’t blurred but the interception of one’s idea of what reality is. Like a series of freeways or highways that leads you back home. Feedback is always welcome but keep in mind this particular blog is intense. These stories are based upon real people who reads my blogs. All I ask is to be respectful.
This blog is an option and that option is based upon personal experiences. I am not a license Doctor or healthcare professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 or Suicide Prevention Hotline (800) 273-8255 immediately. Should you have any questions or concerns please contact your local hospital, health clinic, Church, healthcare provider or research online for more information.
Hello all you rock n’ rollers of words, today blog post is addressing those misconception that comes with having Bipolar Disorder. Where to start this blog? Hello my name is Sunny Larue blogger, Martini admirer, music lover and I am diagnosed bipolar disorder. I think this post will be my third time going into detail about my condition. I know with this blog it will be more technical than personal. A good starting point is I get asked many questions about my condition but the common four questions are:
What Is Bipolar?
What Type Do I Have?
Why Do I Call My Bipolar My “Chum”?
How Do I Manage Episodes?
September is National Suicide Prevention month. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm seek help immediately by dialing 911 or local emergency service or calling National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline 800-273-8255.
Hello all you keepers or words, today blog post hits a bit closer to home as it involves dealing with mental health specifically my diagnosis. I have been very open about my bipolar disorder in doing so blogging about something that is so personal it’s hard I’m not going to lie but being on this constant rollercoaster ride trying to seek answers to new questions it’s tough. Through therapy and support I learned some valuable tools that helps when in the mist of an episode.
This blog is based upon my personal perspective and experience dealing with a disorder.
The research of this blog is for informational purpose.
I am not a doctor or a license healthcare worker.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately.
Today I am feeling lower than I can possibly go. It’s shows. My emotions are compromised and my strength my armor is slowly being chipped away. With every frown or crossed stare I get from the powers to be, a crack appears on my armor. If I stay here in this space, I fear there won’t be anything left. It’s like that situation where you’re in a crowded room enjoying the scene then that evil force walks in sucking all the air and life out that’s how the current work space is. Here it’s quite clear we all play by a different set of rules. I should know this by now. Naivety I hoped things would get better but with each inopportune moment is a slap in the face. Yes they talk a good game but the truth is there’s no room for growth well if you are me in my position. With all my experience the only thing I am good for is to sit here answering the few calls that comes through.
I come to the conclusion when writing or blogging a thought or an idea to be honest. When I write my words are a result from something traumatic in my life. These moments are like reflections. Just like one would see a reflection in a mirror, words for a blogger/writer are just as such. I find myself staring more and more at my words which are very emotional, raw, powerful and sometimes painful. Sometimes these emotions can be very difficult to face. It’s especially difficult putting yourself out on social media where the trolls thrive. I often ask myself “is it worth the risk?”
I don’t know where I am in the grand scheme of things. My head feels like a merry-go-round spinning in circles a never-ending circle. I want to stop, I need to stop but I can won’t you help me. Everything hurts, every words, laugh and cry is painful too sensitive to act too sad to be happy I need love to light the way. I am a prisoner to this fate bleak drowning deeper into the sea of void sinking lower than Moby Dick’s occupants. Not lacking in faith, wishing for a band-aid to cover the scab I’m slowing picking at, screaming in a crowded room with no one looking up not evening giving a glance I’m here with this demon. A constant companion these days speaks to me in ways no one can comprehend. Scared no, just concerned that my mind is no longer my own. Fighting the good fight staying above water in the hopes that one day this dynamic dance will be done.
Uncontrollable thoughts I have many of them. I’m a manic-depressive, what do you expect. These thoughts seem to come out of nowhere causing great distress. I find myself at the of the pen staring at pages of lists I created out of nowhere and for no apparent reasons. It’s quite stressful trying to organize my chaotic thoughts. My pattern is always the same which I found to be strangely ironic. I will start an idea write it down spend time on it then lose interest. When I go back I feel there’s nothing to go back too just a bunch of blah, blah. Sometimes I can’t keep things straight. I feel like my head is a cork-board filled with thousands post-it-notes. Every note is a piece of a puzzle I’m trying to put together. Once the puzzle is complete I now have to find away to express these thoughts to the outside world in away that is healthy. The stress is unbearable I’m thrown into a world that is dark with no light at the end of the tunnel. All my thoughts are lost in the sea of nameless void prompting me to start all over. I really need to STOP and PAUSE because this adds to my stress level and heavens knows we do not need anything else adding to the state of confusion I already feel.
Call me nuts that’s okay as they say a nut a day keeps the insane sane. My behavior shows a level of difference for I am not the same as all of you. It’s in the mind, my mind running thousand miles a minute shuffling through every idea analyzing every thought. It takes me time to catch up but don’t worry I will catch up. In this world my nuttiness is normal, here in this world everything I do makes sense. It’s only when I’m around this table do I see the dark. My soul is intact, my verbal skills doesn’t lack the need to be expressive. All my senses are alive and well thank you for asking. I’m not sure if it’s the meds or just a good day but what ever this is I hope it stays. I enjoy the feeling of controlled nuttiness.