Tag: Mental Disorder

OFF THE WAGON

INTERLUDE

This blog post is inspired by Covid-19, Quarantine, Social Media and Mental Health. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. I do have a lot to say. If you or you know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm seek help immediately or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. Staffers are there to help you get back on track.

🍸🍸🍸🍸

INTRODUCTION

Hello all you champions of words, it’s been awhile since my last post. Actually it’s been almost a year since the last blog post. Yes, I am writing. In fact I write everyday. It’s just that these days nothing I write makes up a coherent sentence let alone a full on blog ready for all to read. So what changed? Alot. I honestly don’t know where to begin. I hope you stay with me as we navigate through this rollercoaster ride. I promise it will all make sense in the end.

🍸🍸🍸🍸

DAILY COMMITMENT

Maintaining mental health is very important. It’s a daily commitment. I find myself struggling with this. I recently read an article by Mental Health America “Ten Tools To Help You Feel Better And Stronger” listing tools like eating well, exercise and getting enough sleep needed to maintain a positive outlook. Also servicing as a reminder that utilizing other positive tools such as Vlogs, diaries, journals and hobbies are useful in keeping the mind occupied. Along with medication and therapy using tools is good for improving your mindset. I just recently moved from journal entries to voice recordings. I want to listen to my Chum in such a raw and stripped down way. I want to hear what bipolarism sounds like and not just articulate my experience in print. These recordings give me an accurate account of my episodes. What I heard is a person spiraling out of control. Nothing is coherent and nothing makes sense. What I discovered is since Covid my Chum has paid me a visit a total of nine times. This is both disturbing and alarming. It’s the truth I wasn’t prepared to face.

🍸🍸🍸🍸

ADDICTION

Everyday I wake up crying. Spending most days in uncontrollable tears. At first I thought this is just me being sensitive. Then I thought maybe it’s just a case of the mean reds. I finally realize I’m in pain. Real pain. Not only mental but physical. With all the tools and goals set in place I somehow managed to slowly slip back into my old ways of introversion and isolation. It’s a comforter and a dangerous vice I thought I had overcome. I fell back into old habits of self harm, over indulging, overspending and doing things to distract from what is the real root of my episode.  It’s like recovering from drugs and drink. Do so well then falling off the wagon. It’s an Addiction I am all too familiar with.

🍸🍸🍸🍸

THE THESPIAN

And the Tony goes to….. what can I say? Me and Chum have become very good at covering up, masking and hiding his symptoms. There are signs but again family and friends aren’t quite sure how to approach me. I don’t make it easy either. I am the worst when it comes to asking for help. I think that’s the frustrating part of being in a relationship with me. I play that role of being that strong person everyone expects me to be. I don’t show any emotions that comes with my disorder in public. One of the tools listed in the Mental Health America article is connect with others yeah no brainer. I learned how to connect. I learned how to listen but I haven’t master the art of reaching out or really opening up. Sometimes I feel like no on cares but in reality we all are doing the same thing trying to be heard.

🍸🍸🍸🍸

RUSSIAN ROULETTE

Other vices I allowed myself to indulge in loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear. The best way of putting this is like getting a gun then carrying this gun with you everywhere. Even relaxed the gun is sitting in your lap. You look down and think is today the day? That’s my headspace at this moment. You just want to bring yourself to throw the gun out but you can’t. I am confused and baffled as how I got back here. To be honest I know how I got to this head space. These past six months have been a challenge.  Quarantine has been my Chum best friend. Isolation, loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear all have played their part. Where am I today?  Right this second? I’m here trying to find hope. I’m here trying to survive. It feels like my hand is on the gun with my finger slowly pushing the trigger back. I’m tired of all this nonsense. I’m tired of the pain. It’s difficult to just do simple everyday acts that most take for granite. I’m tired of being sick both mentally and physically. The air in the room is getting thinner to the point where it’s hard to just breathe. Although I’m surrounded by love, I can feel the hammer on this gun cocking back will today be the day?

🍸🍸🍸🍸

FINDING STRENGTH

It’s a dark and lonely place this tunnel has been and yet I see a tiny light flickering at the end of the tunnel. My heart tells me to focus on that and let the love that surrounds me bring me back. If only my mind can have such hopes. No matter how down and out things seems to be my heart always have hope. My heart shows love, kindness and acceptance unconditionally. Momma always told us “We have to learn to love ourselves unconditionally no matter what life throws at you. Stand in your own truth.” So here I am learning to love myself again. Learning to stand in my truth again. Learning to accept who I am.

Until Next Time

Word Count 993

FACES OF SUICIDE: The Story of Brad

The people featured in this blog are of those who struggle with mental health and are no longer with us. Their struggle has helped bring awareness to Bullying, Anxiety, Depression. These people are faces of suicide. If you or you know someone in a crisis, having thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately or contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255 (24/7 – 365 days) Together we can break the stigma of mental health. To check out these amazing people and how their struggle impacted our lives click on the links below.

INTRODUCTION

Today I cried to point I couldn’t cry anymore.  If only I could’ve been there to help. If only I knew what to say. I would plead my case in the hopes of having my desperate pleads heard.  If only he could see the tears of pain begging him to stay. If only I can tell him how much he is loved.

🍸🍸🍸

March 3, 1972 - June 25, 2009 Suicide by Hanging https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yasmine_(singer)

Yasmine Hilde Rens
Singer/Actress
March 3, 1972 – June 25, 2009
Suicide by Hanging

Yasmine struggled with serve depression. Depressed by her breakup and divorce, Yasmine hung herself on a tree close to her sister home. She was 37.

🍸🍸🍸

Hello all you wizards of words today’s blog post is inspired by suicide. Twenty-nineteen was a year of endings. With the end of the decade in my group of champions our lives has dramatically changed. This is the story of Brad his struggle with mental health and his outcome.

🍸🍸🍸

Lee Thompson Young
Actor
February 1, 1984 – August 19, 2003
Suicide by Gunshot

Little is known of Lee final moments. Lee was diagnosed with bipolar and suffered from depression. Police were called to perform a wellness check when the actor didn’t show up for work. He was discovered deceased. He was 29.

🍸🍸🍸

This blog feature familiar faces who struggled with depression, bipolarism and varies mental illness. The goal here is to show mental illness doesn’t have age limits or discriminate nor know any boundaries. Your neighbor, co-worker, brother, sister, parents anyone can struggle with mental illness. Just because the picture appears to be perfect behind that smile is someone contemplating suicide. Your act of kindness and compassion can be the difference between life and death.

🍸🍸🍸

Kelly Yeomans
Pre-teen
May 22, 1984 – Sept. 28, 1997
Suicide by Overdose

Kelly is victim of school bullying. Described as a pleasant teen her tormentors were unmerciful in their attacks on Kelly. “It is nothing to do with you Daddy, nothing to do with you Mummy, and nothing to do with you Sarah (her sister). I have had enough and I’m going to take an overdose.” True to her word she took overdose. She was 13.

🍸🍸🍸

AMY AND ADAM

Interlude

Hello, I’m Sunny Larue known as the professional martini drinking blogger and diagnosed with bipolar. For my last blog post of twenty-nineteen, I thought I would finish a draft from summer where struggling with my mental state was very apparent. It’s no secret that one major contributing factors to my triggers is work related. This episode is a result of the stress of dealing with a workplace bully, unorganization of a temporary desk move and the loud sound of office renovation. Because of the chaos, I couldn’t jot down my thoughts in my journal instead I used post-it-notes and paper napkins. Once I pieced together my thoughts this blog took shape. Apologizing in advance my thoughts were all over the place. This happens when one is in the throws of a full blown bipolar episode.

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “AMY AND ADAM”

FIRE AND RAIN

This post is of the opinion of Sunny Larue. Sunny Larue is not a licensed healthcare physician nor gives any medical advice. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self harm call 911 or contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800) 273-8255

Introduction

Hello all you magical wizards of words, today’s post is inspired by writing prompt “sorrow” and the effects of this emotion has on the mentally health challenged.  This short was written when I was seventeen a year after I was diagnosed. James Taylor music heavily influenced my writings Fire and Rain is one song that I related to. The line “Suzanne the plans they made put an end to you” is in reference to childhood friend Suzanne Schnerr suicide. I tweaked it a bit but it’s interesting to see the difference in feelings from the late eighties as a teen and today as a forty something adult.

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “FIRE AND RAIN”

MIRROR MIRROR

Introduction

Spinning around on the turntable, as we (my friend and I) sit listening to High N’ Dry album by Def Leppard in celebration of a new 2020 world tour featuring the reunion of Motley Crue and Poison, Mirror Mirror, Look Into My Eyes comes on and we’re in awl of the amazing sound blaring from the speakers.  Joe’s sings “Gonna have to smash the glass”, my buddy says to me “it’s a fool who can admit defeat.” My response is “if this is true then why do we run from our reflection in the mirror?” Hello all you Santa’s little helpers today’s blog is inspired by Def Leppard’s song Mirror Mirror Look Into My Eyes and why we run from our reflection in the mirror.  There are many reasons why we run but the main reason is we don’t like to face the truth.

High N’ Dry (1981)

Def Leppard
“Mirror, Mirror (Look Into My Eyes)”
Mirror mirror
Just watchin’ with your eye of glass
You’re just a fortune wheel
With something that I wanna ask
Mirror mirror
Got my fate lyin’ in your hands
You’re the fool, you’re the juggler
Hangman and lover, you’re not like no other
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me is it true?
Take a look into my eyes
Oh when I look at you
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me is it me?
Is it really me?
Mirror mirror
Gotta know just what you see
My crystal ball
You’re lookin’ so sly and so sleazy
Mirror mirror
Hangin’ there with that crack in your eye
You make me stumble, make me blind
Time after time and line by line
[Repeat Chorus]
Mirror mirror
Oh tell me
You’re the fool, you’re the juggler
I ain’t met a lover, you’re like no other
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me what you see
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me is it true?
Take a look into my eyes
Oh it just can’t last
Take a look into my eyes
Gonna have to smash the glass
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look
Take a look into my eyes
Oh yeah
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look into my eyes
Take a look
Take a look into my eyes
Look into my eyes
Take a look into my eyes
Tell me if it’s me
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby

🍸🍸🍸

Can’t Stop Running

We run from the abuse. We run because of the hurt. We run to escape the pain of living. We drown our sorrows with drugs, drink and other bad behaviors. We run because it’s easy. Face it no one willingly accepts the hard way but we run into situations that isn’t the best taking a lifetime to learn the lesson. We don’t stop to think “is this what I should be doing?” It’s hard to hold the mirror up and actually love the person staring back.

Pump 1989

Janie’s Got A Gun
Aerosmith
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound of my gun.
Dum, dum, dum, honey what have you done?
Dum, dum, dum it’s the sound Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Her whole world’s come undone
From lookin’ straight at the sun
What did her daddy do?
What did he put you through?
They said when Janie was arrested
they found him underneath a train
But man, he had it comin’ Now that Janie’s got a gun
she ain’t never gonna be the same.
Janie’s got a gun, Janie’s got a gun
Her dog day’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it’s untrue.
What did her daddy do?
He jacked a little bitty baby
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the
thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain
Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Her dog day’s just begun
Now everybody is on the run
What did her daddy do?
It’s Janie’s last I.O.U.
She had to take him down easy and put a bullet in his brain
She said ’cause nobody believes me.
The man was such a sleeze.
He ain’t never gonna be the same.
Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah
Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Janie’s got a gun
Everybody is on the run

🍸🍸🍸

Facing The Flaws

Facing up to flaws that every human processes is down right scary especially for those who suffer from mental health. Speaking from personal experience, I sometimes see an ugly reflection. Sometimes when I look at my reflection I see sorrow, pain, hurt and distrust. I don’t know why that is. I went from being in a bubble, to introvert to a social person and to have this view is really iscine. I do have low self esteem but not in the way most views self esteem. My Achilles heel is my Chum.  I believe wholeheartedly that relationships and my Chum is a cocktail not worth drinking. No man on this planet would ever want to be in a relationship with such an ugly disturbed person. No one would want to have a friendship with someone who can’t properly articulate coherent sentences. When I express this side of my Chum to family and friends I get this “it’s not rejection because of your looks or Chum but you are intimidating and strong willed and most people have a hard time dealing with that.” Really? The truth is I’m bipolar, my highs and lows are a daily struggle.  One day I see beauty the next I see ugly. I also know that what you put out in the universe that’s what people see and react to. It’s a matter of what mask to wear when trying to run from the reflection in the mirror. 

“Run Boy Run”
Woodkid
Run boy run! This world is not made for you
Run boy run! They’re trying to catch you
Run boy run! Running is a victory
Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills
Run boy run! The sun will be guiding you
Run boy run! They’re dying to stop you
Run boy run! This race is a prophecy
Run boy run! Break out from society
Tomorrow is another day
And you won’t have to hide away
You’ll be a man, boy!
But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run!
Run boy run! This ride is a journey too
Run boy run! The secret inside of you
Run boy run! This race is a prophecy
Run boy run! And disappear in the trees
Tomorrow is another day
And you won’t have to hide away
You’ll be a man, boy!
But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run!
Tomorrow is another day
And when the night fades away
You’ll be a man, boy!
But for now it’s time to run, it’s time to run!

Until Next Time….

Word Count: 1301

ROUTE 66

September is National Suicide Prevention month. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm seek help immediately by dialing 911 or local emergency service or calling National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline 800-273-8255.

For more information contact
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Introduction

Hello all you freedom writers, today’s blog comes courtesy of unlikely and unconventional inspirational moments. When you think of inspiration most people think positive thinking or positive feelings or a special personal memory that feels them up with joy however, after spending time alone on isolation island, I found these inspirational moments aren’t as positive but more dark in nature. I need to understand where this unhealthy destructive behavior began and how to better manage my Chum because my episodes are getting more frequently intense.

Continue reading “ROUTE 66”

HELLO, MY NAME IS

This blog is an option and that option is based upon personal experiences. I am not a license Doctor or healthcare professional. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 or Suicide Prevention Hotline (800) 273-8255 immediately. Should you have any questions or concerns please contact your local hospital, health clinic, Church, healthcare provider or research online for more information.

Introduction

Hello all you rock n’ rollers of words, today blog post is addressing those misconception that comes with having Bipolar Disorder. Where to start this blog? Hello my name is Sunny Larue blogger, Martini admirer, music lover and I am diagnosed bipolar disorder. I think this post will be my third time going into detail about my condition. I know with this blog it will be more technical than personal. A good starting point is I get asked many questions about my condition but the common four questions are:

What Is Bipolar?

What Type Do I Have?

Why Do I Call My Bipolar My “Chum”?

How Do I Manage Episodes?

September is National Suicide Prevention month.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm seek help immediately
by dialing 911 or local emergency service
or calling National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline 800-273-8255.

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “HELLO, MY NAME IS”

13 REASONS WHY

Introduction

Hello all you keepers or words, today blog post hits a bit closer to home as it involves dealing with mental health specifically my diagnosis. I have been very open about my bipolar disorder in doing so blogging about something that is so personal it’s hard I’m not going to lie but being on this constant rollercoaster ride trying to seek answers to new questions it’s tough. Through therapy and support I learned some valuable tools that helps when in the mist of an episode.

This blog is based upon my personal perspective and experience dealing with a disorder.
The research of this blog is for informational purpose.
I am not a doctor or a license healthcare worker.
If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately.

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “13 REASONS WHY”

BATTLE OF MY OWN

Introduction

Hello masters and mistresses of words, today blog post is inspired by songs by my favorite artists. These songs best describes the battle I currently find myself fighting. This week has been a hellish nightmare, a nightmare I can’t find myself out of. My armor is worn out tarnished, you can see the cracks deeping. I fear at this rate my armor I so depend will all be gone. It’s scary to hold onto something that most people think is insignificant. To me this shield my armor is a matter or life or death.

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “BATTLE OF MY OWN”

CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL

D I S C L A I M E R! I am not a licensed healthcare professional. This blog is based on my own personal opinion and experience and not to be used as a self diagnosis guide. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self harm or showing any symptoms of depression; SEEK MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FROM A LICENSE HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL or contact your local {Police Department}, {Fire Department}, {Hospital} or contact one of these facilities listed below or dial 9 1 1;

Vantage Point
National Institute of Mental Health
Substance Abused and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) 

🍸🍸🍸

Continue reading “CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL”