Today I cried. My tears came as a surprise to think about the year twenty-twenty as something to cry over. Yes, like most people I have lost something but is the loss worth these tears? My heart took the blow too hard and heavy. However, my head is standing rock solid not to be suede either way. I don’t know why such things are so difficult to face. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go. I don’t know why it’s so hard to forgive. I don’t know why we choose to hold on to pain, anger and loss. Hello all your rocker and rollers of words, today’s blog post is inspired by the emotions of holding on to pain, anger while dealing with grief, loss and learning how to forgive and to let go.
Hello all you champions of words, it’s been awhile since my last post. Actually it’s been some weeks since my last post, October 29th to be exact with the (Off The Wagon) post however I feel the need to express myself once again. It’s hard trying to guess where to start. It’s even harder waiting but when it’s all said and done it’s the change that makes or breaks us. I learned this truth living in a post Covid-19 world. Eight months ago life was normal now here’s three principles that play a role in our daily routine; START, WAIT and CHANGE. Today’s blog post is inspired by these words.
This blog post is inspired by Covid-19, Quarantine, Social Media and Mental Health. I apologize in advance for the lengthy post. I do have a lot to say. If you or you know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm seek help immediately or contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255. Staffers are there to help you get back on track.
Hello all you champions of words, it’s been awhile since my last post. Actually it’s been almost a year since the last blog post. Yes, I am writing. In fact I write everyday. It’s just that these days nothing I write makes up a coherent sentence let alone a full on blog ready for all to read. So what changed? Alot. I honestly don’t know where to begin. I hope you stay with me as we navigate through this rollercoaster ride. I promise it will all make sense in the end.
Maintaining mental health is very important. It’s a daily commitment. I find myself struggling with this. I recently read an article by Mental Health America“Ten Tools To Help You Feel Better And Stronger” listing tools like eating well, exercise and getting enough sleep needed to maintain a positive outlook. Also servicing as a reminder that utilizing other positive tools such as Vlogs, diaries, journals and hobbies are useful in keeping the mind occupied. Along with medication and therapy using tools is good for improving your mindset. I just recently moved from journal entries to voice recordings. I want to listen to my Chum in such a raw and stripped down way. I want to hear what bipolarism sounds like and not just articulate my experience in print. These recordings give me an accurate account of my episodes. What I heard is a person spiraling out of control. Nothing is coherent and nothing makes sense. What I discovered is since Covid my Chum has paid me a visit a total of nine times. This is both disturbing and alarming. It’s the truth I wasn’t prepared to face.
Everyday I wake up crying. Spending most days in uncontrollable tears. At first I thought this is just me being sensitive. Then I thought maybe it’s just a case of the mean reds. I finally realize I’m in pain. Real pain. Not only mental but physical. With all the tools and goals set in place I somehow managed to slowly slip back into my old ways of introversion and isolation. It’s a comforter and a dangerous vice I thought I had overcome. I fell back into old habits of self harm, over indulging,overspendingand doing things to distract from what is the real root of my episode. It’s like recovering from drugs and drink. Do so well then falling off the wagon. It’s an Addiction I am all too familiar with.
And the Tony goes to….. what can I say? Me and Chum have become very good at covering up, masking and hiding his symptoms. There are signs but again family and friends aren’t quite sure how to approach me. I don’t make it easy either. I am the worst when it comes to asking for help. I think that’s the frustrating part of being in a relationship with me. I play that role of being that strong person everyone expects me to be. I don’t show any emotions that comes with my disorder in public. One of the tools listed in the Mental Health America article is connect with others yeah no brainer. I learned how to connect. I learned how to listen but I haven’t master the art of reaching out or really opening up. Sometimes I feel like no on cares but in reality we all are doing the same thing trying to be heard.
Other vices I allowed myself to indulge in loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear. The best way of putting this is like getting a gun then carrying this gun with you everywhere. Even relaxed the gun is sitting in your lap. You look down and think is today the day? That’s my headspace at this moment. You just want to bring yourself to throw the gun out but you can’t. I am confused and baffled as how I got back here. To be honest I know how I got to this head space. These past six months have been a challenge. Quarantine has been my Chum best friend. Isolation, loneliness, worthlessness, failure and fear all have played their part. Where am I today? Right this second? I’m here trying to find hope. I’m here trying to survive. It feels like my hand is on the gun with my finger slowly pushing the trigger back. I’m tired of all this nonsense. I’m tired of the pain. It’s difficult to just do simple everyday acts that most take for granite. I’m tired of being sick both mentally and physically. The air in the room is getting thinner to the point where it’s hard to just breathe. Although I’m surrounded by love, I can feel the hammer on this gun cocking back will today be the day?
It’s a dark and lonely place this tunnel has been and yet I see a tiny light flickering at the end of the tunnel. My heart tells me to focus on that and let the love that surrounds me bring me back. If only my mind can have such hopes. No matter how down and out things seems to be my heart always have hope. My heart shows love, kindness and acceptance unconditionally. Momma always told us “We have to learn to love ourselves unconditionally no matter what life throws at you. Stand in your own truth.” So here I am learning to love myself again. Learning to stand in my truth again. Learning to accept who I am.
Hello all you wizards of words, today’s blog is inspired by“Addiction”. There are many different faces of addiction. The two common known types of addiction are Substanceand Behavioral. This blog will focus on the behavioral side. When a person struggling with mental health a lot of bad behavior arise. There’s too much noise, too much dark. It’s very difficult to turn on the lights and keep them on. For this very reason some turns to drink and drugs. Others turns to spending or develop unhealthy relationships with food or self image. Like with any illness, understanding the triggers, the cause and condition is key.
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Hello all your rockstars of words, today’s blog post is inspired by my love of music. I use music as a tool to keep my Chum quiet. Drowning out the noise that my Chum often provides when he’s knocking at the stage door, this particular memory is a good one. The Cars is my first musical love. The song All Mixed Up is my introduction to this great band. I had the pleasure of seeing them for the first time at eleven in 1982 at the US Festival. I enjoyed their live performance a total of seven times each appearance better than the last. I often blog about the impact Def Leppard and Franz Ferdinand music has had in my life but it all started with The Cars.
Hello all you boo-static masters of words, today’s blog comes from one of my favorite independant actors and human activist Dave Vescio. Influenced by Dave’s twitter account, I thought it would be fun to answer some of Dave’s most intriguing questions. But before diving into these questions, here’s a little background on how Dave’s rags to wealth story came to light influencing a generation.
WARNING: This post is of an opinion and based on personal experience. Sunny Larue is not a licensed physician or licensed therapist. The information used for this blog is on research basis only. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self harm, dial 911 or local emergency operator or contact National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255. NSPH services are open to the public 24/7. If you are struggling with mental illness, mental disorder or know someone who is struggling and need more information or assistance contact your local Church, Mental Health Clinic, local Hospital or Healthcare Provider.
Hello all you beautiful words commanders, this is typically how I start off my blogs but with this post I want to try a different approach. This blog will showcase five short stories. These stories are a reflection of a person’s fight for survival in a world of darkness of gray. The lines between reality aren’t blurred but the interception of one’s idea of what reality is. Like a series of freeways or highways that leads you back home. Feedback is always welcome but keep in mind this particular blog is intense. These stories are based upon real people who reads my blogs. All I ask is to be respectful.
Hello all you rockers of words, today blog is inspired by a conversation had by friends who shared different experiences of coming out. A very dear friend of mines a champion came out to me when we were twelve. I had no idea what “Gay” meant. I didn’t understand why he was trying to explain his feelings. I never looked at him differently because of that. “K” and I always have a love for two things BOYS and MOVIE QUOTES. I remember sitting in the bleachers at school during P.E. we would watch the boys and share in some interesting innocent sport-like banter. To this day he’s is one of my dearest friend who I will lay down my life for.
“Ouiser, I love you more than my luggage.”
Clairee Steel Magnolias 89′
Coming out in any capacity is difficult. It’s difficult to live in your truth under judgement. It takes a set of big brass balls to walk this path. Once out the world is a bigger place. Freedom to shed that old skin is refreshing.
WARNING: this blog post is of the opinion of my own. I am not a licensed physician. I do not give out any medical advice. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self harm call 911 or contact The National Suicide Prevention Hotline at (800) 273-8255.
Hello all you wizards of words, today’s blog post is inspired by my tweet rant. October is breast cancer month, although I am sympathetic to anyone who been stricken with any type of cancer mental health is just as important. On October 1st all social media outlets, daytime talk show an news outlets showed their support in solidarity by wearing pink and or wearing the pink ribbon. Not once in all of September the month for National Suicide Prevention did any of these outlets wear the ribbon or the color in show of support.
What Color Are You?
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. It’s a time for those who supports those who are suffering from mental health illness disorder or those who struggles with thoughts of suicide or self harming by reaching out. Giving people who feel their only option is suicide a chance to seek help in a healthy environment. It’s a beautiful community that I’m grateful to be apart of because I make no apology for sharing my and my family struggles with mental health. As I discovered, each illness comes with a ribbon as a symbol of solidarity and support. I showcase below what some of the ribbon and colors represents;
Purple represents National Suicide Prevention which is the subject of this blog post.
This Angers Me
I am damn angry that National Suicide Prevention Month didn’t get the same spotlight as Breast Cancer is getting right now. Everyone has shown support by wearing the color pink and the ribbon. The View, Ellen, Wendy Williams, The Talk, The Real, CNN, MSNBC, Fox, ABC, NBC, CBS, Iheartradio, Google, Facebook, AT&T and Amazon show an ounce of interest. These outlets didn’t wear the green ribbon for mental health nor the purple ribbon for national suicide prevention nor have any survivors or people struggling at any tapings nor had any information added to their websites or social media.
This is disturbing because the minute a child gets bullied into suicide or a celebrity who is struggling take the final step, then all these people will be on social media crying about how sorry they are and wish they could do something in which case I find to be very hypocritical. Suicide is becoming the number one cause of death. In a few years suicide will over take cancer, heart disease and diabetes as the leading deaths among Americans. At this point it seem like we’re continually putting our heads in the sand until….
A Shocking Reminder
Here’s a list of celebrities and ordinary people who became famous as a result of their death. I did not add Chester Bennington, Chris Connell, Kate Spade, Marilyn Monroe, Robin Williams or Kurt Cobain because yes their unfortunate untimely deaths are tragic however they are well known. In other words, their names are sonomonist with suicide. My goal is to remind you of the people who aren’t so well known.
If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self harm call 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 Stuart Adamson 43, musician “Big Country” suicide by hanging (2001) 2 Gia Marie Allemand 29, Reality TV celebrity suicide by hanging (2014) 3 Avicii 28, DJ & music producer suicide by self inflicted injuries (2018) 4 Simone Battle 25, constant on “The X Factor” suicide by hanging (2014) 5 Jadin Bell 15, teenager victim of bullying suicide by hanging (2014) 6 Anthony Bourdain 61, TV personality & chef suicide by hanging (2018) 7 Jonathan Brandis 27, Child actor suicide by hanging (2003) 8 Herman Brood 54, Musician & Painter suicide by jumping (2001) 9 Capital Steez 19, Rapper, musician suicide by jumping (2012) Steez tweeted his friends & family “I love you” his final tweet “the end” 10 Charlotte Dawson 47, Australian TV personality suicide undisclosed (2014) 11 George Eastman 77, Founder of Eastman Kodak suicide by gunshot (1932) George suicide note reads “To my friends my work is done, why wait” 12 Mark Fisher 48, Blogger “K-Punk” suicide undisclosed (2017) 13 Keith Flint 49, musician “The Prodigy” suicide by hanging (2019) 14 Ryan Freel 36, sport baseball “KCR” suicide by gunshot (2012) 15 Spalding Gray 62, Actor “Beaches” “Gray’s Anatomy” suicide by jumping (2004) 16 Richard Jeni 49, Comedian suicide by gunshot (2007) 17 Mindy McCready 37, Country music artist suicide by gunshot (2013) 18 Alexander McQueen 40, Fashion designer suicide by hanging (2010) 19 Phoebe Prince 15, Teenager victim of bullying suicide by hanging (2010) 20 David Reimer 38, Transgender reassignment suicide by gunshot (2004) 21 David Foster Wallace 46, Writer suicide by hanging (2018) 22 Lee Thompson Young 29, Actor “Friday Night Lights” suicide by gunshot (2013) 23 Tony Scott 68, Director “Top Gun” suicide by jumping (2012) 24 Jean Stein 83, Author & Editor suicide by jumping (2017) 25 Jon Paul Steuer 33, Actor “Quentin Grace Under Fire” suicide by gunshot (2018) for full listed referenced in this blog “List of Suicide In The 21st Century”
I Wear Purple Ribbon
These people are twenty-five out of a thousands plus, a list that continues to grow. As you sit and read this blog one out of five people are contemplating suicide. It’s important to keep spreading the word and breaking the stigma of mental health until there’s no more suicides. I will wear my green ribbon as a reminder to those who lost the battle. I will wear my purple ribbon in solidarity to those left behind. The truth is it doesn’t make much of a difference what ribbon you wear as long as you wear them all. Because these ideas are good bringing light to something as painful. It’s important to represent them ALL!
So, what color are you?
Me, I’m the rainbow.
I wear my Purple and Green ribbons along with Yellow, Black and Pink.
All of them are a presentation of humanity. I wear them all for YOU!
Hello champions of words, today blog is quite unique in the guides that I followed advice from a dear friend who told me to write down your thoughts no matter what then when ready come back and visit. This is that blog. When I started the few sentences, I was coming out of an episode trying to connect back to familiar surroundings. At this point it has been eight days since I had a visit from my Chum. Its a strange thing what inspired me to write this down. Someone asked me specifically how is my mental health. The conversation started off innocently but I realized there’s so many misconception of bipolar.