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If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm please call 911 immediately or contact the National Suicide Lifeline 24/7 (800) 273-8255


Feeling a little tested today. A well-known and liked celebrity Kristoff St. John passed by heart failure but some would say he passed from a broken heart. His son who committed suicide in twenty-fourteen suffered from mental illness.  It’s always sad to see someone lose a battle whether from a disease like cancer or heart issues or mental illness. Its a horrible setback. I truly feel terribly sad for his family and those left behind. You never know what a person is going through especially a person struggling with mental health issues.

“Grieving the loss of a child is a process. It begins on the day your child passes, and ends the day the parent joins them.”

Kristoff St. John, January Twenty-nineteen

I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child to suicide. The unbearable pain. There’s a lot to mental health. Many triggers can cause a person to go over the edge. Bullying is one of those things that can push a person. Having a unsafe workplace environment plays heavy role on the psyche. Sometimes when you find yourself at the end of the bully it’s very difficult to cope. Short of wishing your torment to end what do you do when the cards are stacked against you?


Meet My Tormentor “The She-Devil’

I don’t like to use the word “victim” but I find myself at the end of my tormentor wrath. I don’t know why but for some reason it seems like I’m bully material. The best way to articulate what I am experiencing is the She-Devil love to push boundaries or pouring gasoline on the fire laughing as you’re being engulfed in flames. She embodies misery but not only that she’s sneaky devilish in her ways. There’s too much pain and aggravation in this world to deal with people of this nature. It’s like your standing on solid ground then the ground crumbles disappearing before your feet.  Your looking down into this sink-hole staring at these devilish red eyes. Then hearing that sadistic laugh as she do her best at making your suffer. Everyday I get a pit in my stomach as I pull into the parking structure worried about what deed she will do today. I make sure to tell my family because I truly believe that one day she will physically harm me.


The Adventure Of She-Devil

Today adventure starts with the She-Devil running a muck. The She-Devil loves invading into people’s lives without an invitation. I mean what’s an invite right? Sometimes it’s best to keep it moving you know going high while they go low, it’s very difficult to continue to give respect to those who abuse that trait.  I discovered that She-Devil herself suffers from mental illness, she refuses to take the proper medication prescribed to help her adjust to interacting with people.  She lacks “people skills”.  Most people who suffers from mental illness lack people skills but it takes determination to want to be better.   Her delusions of grandeur doesn’t help either.  She seem to think she’s on a level twenty when in truth she’s a level five with the rest of us.  Here’s the scenario the job is this grand ocean liner the Queen Mary. The three big bosses are the Captain, first officer and commander. The crew is the managers and supervisors leaving the rest of the staff us rats to dwell in the bowls of the ship.  She-Devil keeps going top side because she thinks she belongs there.  The Captain keeps kicking her back to the bowl with the rest of us rats but that doesn’t stop her she keeps trying. It’s not her quest that bothers the rats it’s how her climb to the top that’s the problem. One day the Captain and his mates will get tired walking her ass right of the plank.  Let me tell you the fall is a hard one, a lesson she’s all too eager not to learn.


What This Means To Someone With A Mental Disorder

To understand what this means to someone with a mental disorder and the effects dealing with this type of personality has, I must take you back to the beginning.  I been at this job for little over four years.  I took said job I’m just going to say out of convenience.  This job allows me to follow no chase my dreams.  In order to be successful sometimes you have to endure a little pain.  In this work space, the She-Devil and her hell hounds delights in flicking pain and misery on others, in fact at times holding the office hostage with their shenanigans. Doing things to bring your spirit down further than a level of the gutter.  When you struggle from manic depression you are in a constant battle with your Chum, doing everything you can to stay sane. You already question your stability and the intense feeling of defeat nor being valued/validated as a person ways heavy.  Situations arises with the hell hounds where you just can’t cope.  You’re the one with egg on your face pleading to a system that favors this type of behavior. You often end up running face first into that red brick wall.  This is what I was up against my first two years at work.  Feeling so lonely and isolated no one cared if you sink or drown.  


Sink, Drown Or Fly

I was in such a state of despair, the loss of my mother has truly taken a toll on my mind, my soul and spirit I nearly lost my mind.  It was late October 2016 when I felt the shift move. How can I say this well I’ll just be honest, I had visits from my late mother and aunt whom past six months before my mother.  In this particular visit my mother looked sad, like she been crying. My mother speechless, leaving  my aunt to do all the talking giving pause to a situation clearly neither one is happy about and wanted me to pay attention.  My mother and I relationship hasn’t been the best in her last years but her approval meant a lot to me. I wanted my mother to be proud but seeing her so sad I was afraid that I had let her down.  After that visit, I woke up feeling sad but determined.  Like always my mother has a habit of pushing me and pushed she did.  I was determined not to sink nor drown but fly.  I changed my attitude and stopped feeding into their crap ignoring them, simple right?  I focused all my energy on dealing with important things like my little Chum and becoming healthy.  


Some People Prides Themselves On Being Asses

My mother would often say “some people prides themselves on being asses.  I can say ass it’s in the bible” yes that’s my mother complex, strong, hard, determined and beautiful.  I learned a lot from her.  I learned that I’m representation of her legacy.  It’s her strength that lives on inside of me and I need to be strong not to allow anyone or anything to destroy my spirit.  Everyday is a struggle to fight hard not to lose the battle with my mental disorder.  I quickly learned that the She-Devil and her hounds are just scared people who has no love in their lives.  This job gives them a platform to be powerful, standing tall in a world that they would be small.  It’s so easy to hide behind a keyboard or in this case a job title that really don’t exists.  This job is all they have.  This job is all they well ever be.  This is where their journey ends. I use to pity them but now I just don’t give a damn.

Until Next Time…..

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