I sit here in my favorite red chair drinking my blueberry coffee from my favorite cup staring out the open window as the cool breeze hit my face, my thoughts speaking to me what seem to be in foreign languages. Trying to control and pin down my thinking is a process that is hard especially when my thoughts are all over the place. Sometimes I fear I’m losing grip on reality my mind is playing the ultimate role head-lining act of some cornball carnival,the main attraction of some freakish side-show.
“Ladies and Gents step right up to this here attraction watch how this manic-depressive handles a meltdown.“
I often speak about my Chum and his merry band mates Manic, Doubt and Panic, as a result of their tour my recovery time is long but I rarely speak about another manic-depressive state the “Blah Factor”. Right now I’m in a perpetual state of numb blah blah blah. Feeling just the other side of living not quite dead though I know not making any sense. This how life is as a manic depressive nothing in this world make any sense. For me this moment arises twice a year my mother’s anniversary of her death and my day of birth. It’s crash or burn, wade in the puddle or drown. I know this sounds bleak and a bit desperate but to be honest with this disorder I have to be truthful with all of it.
Perpetual State of Numb
Being in a perpetual state of numb is like walking around in the dark, although you can see maybe couple of feet ahead, you can’t see the entire street. Trying to control this thought process is one of many elements to manic disorder which is more deeper than just being sad or depressed. This state is far more dangerous than Chum calling for a visit. With Chum I know what to expect, my champions know what to expect. However with blah there’s no expectation. The only thing I can try say for certain is these two things;
- Making lists as a way to control the uncontrollable
- Lack of Creativity and focus
Parking The Car
My head feels like an old car with lots of mileage. Sometimes you just got to take the car out of drive and put it in park. This is how I cope with something as potentially traumatic as my birthday or my mother’s passing. It’s funny how the mind plays games or how we as human let little things like birthdays affect our well-being, but we do. I work myself up in such a state of panic again it’s me trying to control the future that hasn’t happened yet. As my day of birth looms on the horizon, I think about my mother who I wish was here to help celebrate. Like clock work she would ask me what I want for my birthday dinner and I would tell her fried chicken, mashed potatoes, dinner rollers and yellow cake with chocolate butter-cream icing and what do I get corn beef, cabbage, cornbread and caramel cake as my birthday falls on St. Patrick’s day. I would say Mom you know I don’t like this stuff where’s my birthday dinner? She would reply it’s Saint Patrick’s Day your black Irish for one day. This would take place every year for as far back as I can remember. You never know what it means once it’s gone. Now I want to crawl under the world and hide wait to the storm that is my birthday pass. Again fake it till you make it.
Mountain Of Emotions
For the next thirty days I will go through a roller-coaster of emotions ranging from the highest of happiness to the deepest part of sadness. Again I don’t want to harm myself or in a way doing any physical damage or suicide, but I hurt myself in other ways. My amour is torn, tarnished, scratched damaged. I’m overly sensitive and my self-esteem is pretty much out for dinner. I will rely heavily on my champions, my music, my lists and just remind myself that I matter not allowing anyone to dismiss my emotions. That’s the problem with being numb you just don’t care. Allowing this emotion to take over is very dangerous. To recover from such sorrow is overwhelming and can spin out of control.
🥠“The fortune you seek is already within you”🥠
Let’s Go To The Carnival
My head is a busy place, busy and scary as of late. Sharing my feelings, thoughts I haven’t shared before is nuts. It’s quite scary to have people judge you, it’s especially difficult when the people judging you are total stranger hiding behind a monitor. My brain waves are like people at a carnival, buzzing around looking for rides to enjoy, looking for food to enjoy round and round on the merry-go-round. One group gets off the next gets on its never-ending. I’m what you call a functioning manic-depressive. Kinda like a functioning alcoholic. I look well put together but in reality my world is crashing down on me. My living space is a mess, my head is a mess my life in every aspect is a mess and I’m lacking the inspiration to clean house (figuratively speaking). These emotions will end the day after my birthday. Then it’s another six months until the anniversary of my mother’s death running through Christmas and New Years.
A Mouth Full Of Fortune
After having Chinese for dinner last night I cracked open the cookie and read my fortune. I am a very spiritual person ever since my visit to Ms. Gypsy who advise me to pay attention to the signs. Reading my fortune is something I enjoy and collect. It’s a mouth full of cookie I nearly choked on after cracking up with laughter reading it. The truth can be found in the most strangest places, you just have to look and be ready to receive. My truth is for this episode was found in a fortune cookie. It read “The fortune you seek is already within you” there it is. The spirits pushing me in the right direction always.
Be Kind to each other.