Today is the start of another work week. I been having such anger and I know why. It’s getting harder for me to function and my chipper happy-go-lucky self has all but disappeared. I feel so alone even though I’m standing in a plaza filled with people. My Chum and his band mates are knocking at the stage door demanding I should let them in. It’s a concert I don’t want to attend. I’m having difficulty expressing these range of emotions. I see the signs, you know to stay positive in the darkness even my candy wrapper has a positive message “Be fearlessly authentic” really?
Merry-Go-Round Ride: Having depression is an endless merry-go-round ride one you can never get off. No matter what I do there will always be this glitch inside my brain that is lose and not connected making my world as manic as can be. This episode is more anger driven. I feel like my world is off balanced and off centered this makes me angry. When I get this way I lose sight on what’s important. I lose focus on my goals but what’s worse I begin to believe I’m useless and I will never achieve my goals. This is one of many traits I don’t like about myself and this illness. It’s something I need to focus on changing. It’s just another day in the life of a manic-depressive.
A Day In The Life Of A Manic Depressive: I know what’s triggering many of my episodes it’s the job. My job is the worst when it comes to making a person feel disrespected and devalued as a human. I talked about how the She-Devil and her hell hounds runs around the office causing unnecessary trouble a subject I addressed in “Hello My Name Is Misery”. I don’t know how much more I can take of this nonsense. Every day it’s a struggle to survive the mess inside my head but to come to work and deal some one else crap its beyond asinine. Nothing I do will ever be good. She will always find something to complain or a way to “put me in my place”. I’m a tough cookie but this woman can wear you down right down to the gutter stripping you bare naked and if that’s not enough she will continue to stomp you down until there’s nothing left. She-Devil really knows how to suck the room dry.
Let Me Explain: This is a job, not a career. I’m here because it allows me to purse my dreams of being a success writer and blogger. It’s convenient for I carpool so the location is ideal and the health benefits are the best. I haven’t found such medical benefits as I found here and with my mental disorder and other health issues I can’t dispute that fact. That being said, with perks comes the lows and the low is dealing with the She-Devil. I am determined not to allow anyone to take ownership of my feelings and what I do. I won’t let the She-Devil push me out, when I leave it will be on my own terms. I’m fighting the war on two fronts, trying to hold my Chum at bay and the battle with She-Devil this for me is a lonely place to be.
One More Time On The Merry-Go-Round: I’m dizzy from all the spinning my head is a mess, I admit I wish I can just motion to the operator to stop the ride but like my Chum and his posse I can’t control the operator. That’s the thing with mental illness or disorder like depression you can’t control when or where it would show it’s ugly little head you just buckle up and ride it out hope for the best. It’s quite a revelation and it took long to get to this point. Dealing with such disorders it’s all baby steps. You will not conquer or defeat mental disorders / illness over night. It’s takes an army of supporters to help stop the merry-go-around.
Take the time to take care of your mind and it will take care of you!