ROUTE 66

September is National Suicide Prevention month. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm seek help immediately by dialing 911 or local emergency service or calling National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline 800-273-8255.

For more information contact
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Introduction

Hello all you freedom writers, today’s blog comes courtesy of unlikely and unconventional inspirational moments. When you think of inspiration most people think positive thinking or positive feelings or a special personal memory that feels them up with joy however, after spending time alone on isolation island, I found these inspirational moments aren’t as positive but more dark in nature. I need to understand where this unhealthy destructive behavior began and how to better manage my Chum because my episodes are getting more frequently intense.

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Inspiration

This time I draw my inspiration from 60’s TV show Route 66. Music from indie alternative rock group Brand New their song Jesus Christ and 70’s soft rock group America their song A Horse With No Name. Okay, okay I know what you’re thinking but trust me there’s a method to the madness. This blog is one big metaphor of thoughts and feelings that been running rampant for quite some time. The downside to bipolar is it’s very difficult to articulate and process thoughts. Just stay with me I promise this will all make sense.

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Get Your Kicks On Route 66

I have been very open about my Chum and the devastating effect he and his bandmates Doubt, Manic and Panic has on the mind. I feel like I’m on this road trip driving on historic Route 66. I’m driving in this beautiful 1962 open top cherry apple red Corvette. The radio blasting music from a time long gone by. The melody trying to recapture it’s innocent youth with me taking the hook, humming “get your kicks on route 66” life is good. So much beauty on this road trip. My days are filled with butterflies, sunshine and rainbows. Each roadstop it’s like Christmas in the sense people are just nice natured. Christmas has that effect on people. After spending weeks on the road experiencing this high, the road paved with good intention will abruptly end leaving me to come face to face with my dark.

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Dead-End

Parked close to the edge as possible, I see the dark clouds on the horizon moving in quickly. A Horse With No Name fills the air. It’s a warm afternoon and that song gives little comfort because I know there’s a dark force coming. I turn my rearview mirror towards my face and see these brown eyes staring back. These eyes filled with heartbreak, pain and fear tells a story of a life that is complicated, uncontrolled and unrecognizable. Tears fills my eyes flows down my aging face. Falling down into the deep end of the ocean disappearing without a trace taking my grace with it. I place my hand over my heart that is beating faster and faster like a drummer keeping time in a fast tempo song. Looking at this face who is this broken and tired person trying so desperately to hold back the dark? Where did the sunshine, rainbows and butterflies go? Tragic is my thought. I realize I’m the tragic starring in this show. It’s me, my Chum and my dark jocking for top billing.

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La, La, La, La, La

My humming of A Horse With No Name grows louder eventually leading me to sing in repeat. There’s something comforting about singing La La La over and over. It’s gives me power and it’s this power I will need to stand the upcoming storm. In my dark the clouds opens up into this rain storm. Buckets of hell falls on top of my head. Me still in my open top 1962 Corvette starts to laugh, dance and sing even louder. The wind starts kicking up the sand that laid on the desert floor.

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This storm blowing hard with all it’s might giving me hell. Me still in the open top Corvette yelling “I’m still here!”. The clouds get even darker. The wind grows even louder roaring as if it’s the lion king beckoning me to bow down before its feet. Me still in the open top Corvette screaming at the top of my lungs “I’M STILL HERE!” This dance we’ll do for hours. Each time the clouds gets darker, the hell pour out and the noise gets louder I feel empower and not afraid not this time. Defiant I stand my ground and scream back I’M STILL HERE!

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Soaked, torn, tattered and worn down I refuse to give up the ghost. I will stand here until I can’t stand no more. Weeks later waking up the ground is dry but I’m soaked and wet. Lying here naked, feels like death blew a tortured kissed. I’m broken, batter, jammed up but alive. Not only did I fight but I survived. I’m a survivor.

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Blank Canvas

The dark clouds disappearing as quickly as the appeared. The butterflies are out bring beauty back. The sunshine rays shines so bright making the colors of the rainbow vibrant. I find myself slipped back into the seat of the open top cherry red 1962 Corvette my cup has ran over is my thought. Looking in the rearview mirror I see an old familiar face. This familiar face aged but a little bit wiser and a lot stronger. This face with all its scars, cracks, broken lines shines beautiful. The storm is over. Turning the key the engine roars calling to the road ahead to open up. No longer blocked, the road once paved with misery is now a blank canvas ready for me to write a new story.

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Conclusion

Great story huh? This is my truth. This is how I feel everytime I get in the ring and do ten rounds with my Chum. September is National Suicide Prevention month I was thinking of a way to better help you the reader understand what someone struggling with mental health deals with. It’s a daily war that sometime we lose some battles but most times we survive. Each survival is a victory. It’s these victories that should be celebrated. To stop the stigma of mental health and have a healthy conversation means;

Listening

No Judgement

Compassion

Kindness

Empathy

Your actions can be the difference between life and death.

September is National Suicide Prevention month. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or self-harm seek help immediately by dialing 911 or local emergency service or calling National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline 800-273-8255.

For more information contact
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

Until next time….

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