This blog post contains language that might be triggering to those who are struggling with mental health. I am NOT a licensed physician or a licensed therapist. The research for this blog is for educational use. If you or you know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm, please seek help or call 911 or contact the National Suicide Lifeline by dialing 988. Staffers are available 24/7 to help you get back on track.
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This post is inspired by an original blog post from June 10, 2019 titled:”Repair My Armor” This post is a revisit.
Have you ever felt like your armor is chipped and cracked beyond repair? Like life’s challenges have taken their toll on you and left you feeling vulnerable and unprotected? It’s a feeling that many of us have experienced at some point in our lives – a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that can be hard to shake. For me, this feeling was a constant companion during a ten-year battle with depression. Triggered by the sudden deaths of my mother and aunt, I struggled with thoughts of suicide and self-harm, feeling as though my armor was shattered beyond repair. But through a series of events, I found the strength to break away from the darkness and start the journey to repair my armor. In this blog post, we will revisit that time in my life, discuss the progress made, and explore the work that still needs to be done. Join me as we delve into the world of mental health and healing, and discover the power of repairing our armor.
REVISITING THE PAIN
In my previous post, Repair My Armor, I explored the concept of repairing oneself after going through challenging experiences. I talked about how writing can be an excellent tool to organize thoughts and emotions, no matter how painful they may be. Today, I want to revisit the time that inspired my previous post – the death of my mother and aunt, and the decade-long depression that followed. Revisiting the pain is never easy, but it can be necessary for healing. My dear friend once told me to write, no matter how difficult the subject matter may be. And so, I started writing about the loss of my loved ones and the impact it had on me. The sudden death of my aunt hit me hard. She was the one who always encouraged us to be ourselves, spread our wings, and explore life. Losing her was a blow, but we somehow expected her passing since we were told it’s a 50/50 situation. However, my mother’s death just six months after was unexpected and shattered my world.
It was December 2009, and we were preparing for Christmas. My mother had started dialysis, and we were adjusting to our new normal. One day, she came back home from her appointment feeling different, physically and mentally. My sister and I pleaded with her to talk to her doctors and to fight, but she uttered her last words and was gone. Sitting in that hospital room, I felt alone and helpless. The truth hit me hard that I couldn’t save my mother, and I was left with nothing but her memories. It was a painful experience that left me with a 10-year battle with depression, thoughts of suicide, and self-harm things I thought I had overcome.
SERIES OF EVENTS
Dealing with the death of my mother and aunt triggered me and left me feeling vulnerable and unprotected. It was a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness that was hard to shake. I learned how to operate without people noticing my emotions, which were all over the place. During this 10-year period, I also dealt with two rounds of cancer that I kept under wraps. It was not until May 2019 that my life started to change. While I was attending a WWHL (Watch What Happens Live) taping, I felt very bad about myself. The staffers made sure the beautiful people were seen. People like myself that are not as beautiful in the looks department were shuffled off up into the rafters. After that taping and the bad experience from Andy Cohen and the RHOBH cast I just wanted to die. It was three concerts that year that would change my life forever. At each concert, I felt my pain slowly slipping away. The Franz Ferdinand concert was where it all started. Ironically their concert was at the same venue as the WWHL taping weeks earlier. There, I saw people I hadn’t seen in years and was reminded of the good times. When Alex Kapranos, the frontman, started singing “Feel The Love Go,” I was crying like a baby. It was as if all the pain from the past ten years had disappeared.
The Def Leppard concert that fall was another significant moment in my healing journey. Still working through the pain in therapy, I was feeling more vulnerable than ever before. During their song “Hysteria,” I started to cry, and the two sisters sitting next to me held my hand and lovingly hugged me. Joe Elliot, the frontman of Def Leppard, also sang “We can be heroes just for one day,” which was my mom’s favorite song. It was as if my mom was with me that night.
The KT Tunstall concert was where I realized how much I missed my mother. Although our relationship was sometimes complicated, her love for me was unconditional. When she was still alive, I was playing her song “Other Side of the World,” and although she wanted me to get a new song, she would still hum it. When KT performed that song, I felt a rush of emotions and realized that I would never feel the unconditional love of a person again. Using tools to help deal with episodes is important. I have a support system that helps me get through the rough times.
In conclusion, revisiting the pain can be tough, but it can also be helpful for healing and finding inspiration. It’s essential to take care of yourself while exploring your thoughts and feelings, and to stay true to your voice and vision in life. Revisiting the past and writing about it has given me strength and inspiration. I rediscovered my love for writing and my purpose in life. I’m focusing on being creative, being kind, and inspiring others through my writing. I hope my story encourages others dealing with depression to find the strength to heal and to look for support and healing in unexpected places.
#bekind #spreadlove #smile #positivity”