Hello all you masters of words, today I’m feeling a bit down and under the weather.  This week has been very tough in fact, this month has been very tough.  I feel like my words aren’t being heard and I’m falling deeper into my depression.  I put on a brave face, its all an act.  Whenever someone ask how I am doing my generic response is “I’m doing just fine” clearly not true. I should get the Academy Award for best fake-smile. I’m far from being fine. I’m far from being normal, I mean what is normal?  The truth is I’m scared, I feel beat-up and I’m worn-out.  I am terrified of the things I can’t control.  I blogged about this before where there’s such anxiety of things that haven’t happened that I spend weeks trying to control. It’s like your on a train the deer on the track you see it but this little time to react. Just buckle up and hope for the best.  I’m so worn-out I been play at this game with a defeater’s attitude.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, trying to be everything to everyone.  Struggling is a term that is often used when describing an bipolar depression episode, however, I am beyond struggling I’m drowning. No rock I can crawl under will help hide the pain I am in. 

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Sadness vs Depression

Sadness vs Depression Most people who don’t understand the difference between depression and sadness often get the two confused. It’s very difficult to articulate what an episode is like. When you are in the grips of a full on bipolar episode it’s difficult to navigate the muddy waters of dangerous.  These dangerous waters consists of emotions of feeling angry, helpless, guilt and for some ending it all.  When you are sad you get a little down but you are able to bounce back. Depression is quite the opposite. Your dealing with multitude of emotions all at once and your whole being can’t quite get a grip on reality.  Basicly is like a skydriver taking that jump confident the shoot will open only realizing halfway down your in trouble and there’s no one there to help break the fall. This is how I been feeling lately.  This feeling is what I call “the uncontrollable factor“.

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