Hello, I’m Sunny Larue known as the professional martini drinking blogger and diagnosed with bipolar. For my last blog post of twenty-nineteen, I thought I would finish a draft from summer where struggling with my mental state was very apparent. It’s no secret that one major contributing factors to my triggers is work related. This episode is a result of the stress of dealing with a workplace bully, unorganization of a temporary desk move and the loud sound of office renovation. Because of the chaos, I couldn’t jot down my thoughts in my journal instead I used post-it-notes and paper napkins. Once I pieced together my thoughts this blog took shape. Apologizing in advance my thoughts were all over the place. This happens when one is in the throws of a full blown bipolar episode.
Hello all you masters of words, as a big part of my self-discovery and my truth dealing with my bipolar disorder, I speak about my Chum and his merry bandmates Doubt, Manic and Panic and their effects on my emotional state. I rarely speak about other factors that people with mental disorder struggle with. This duo need no introduction because if you are suffering from mental illness or disorder you are very familiar but for those who aren’t let me introduce Chum’s opening act. Anxiety and Addiction or Amy and Adam.
Articles from “Medical News Today” and “Healthline” was use for research purpose. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or self harm call 911 immediately or contact the “National Suicide Prevention Lifeline” 24/7 a day
Gorging Into A Stupor
This week has been met with a lot of ups, down and disappointments starting with workplace mess and ending with me getting a speeding ticket. I wish I can hit the redo button and start again. Beside my Chum, Amy is on the stage door ready to make her debut. Although I try very hard not to escape my single padded room at the insane asylum, apart of me feels the need to let the crazies run the asylum. Amy is rocking out with a tune of the pounding of hammers, the buzzing of saws and all kinds renovation tools her tunes is an unwanted wave of unbearable noises and distraction. Plagued with, extreme mood swings, physical pain and as a result I turned to Amy’s bro Adam “addiction” allowing myself to gorge into a food stupor.
Packing Up The Memories
Let’s not forget why were here workplace renovations is not fun especially when the process is unorganized and chaotic. Being bipolar you would think I be use to this life style considering my life is filled with constant chaos. It’s not an excuse more like an observation. I am lucky that I have a few guarding angels at work who seemingly have my back. One of those angels is my manager. He gave me heads up of the renovation for our part of the office that allowed me to have a head start in packing. Speaking of packing, I found myself among four years of boxes filled with memories. Some joyful and some painful but all apart of me. I sit here staring at my life in six boxes. Photos of my late mother, photos of my late relationship wondering why does things have to die. Wondering why do my mind have to suffer a certain defeat at the hands of my bipolarism? I feel lost and worthless. There were a reason why I packed away these memories away and now I’m sitting among the chaos revisiting. And as if nothing could get any worse enter the She-Devil with a mission to cause hurt and devastation.
This emotion is so real and raw. I’m standing at my desk seeing myself the day of her services lying on her bed wrapped in her clothes breathing in her scent wishing for the pain to end. Wanting so badly to be back in her arms wrapped in unconditional love. I felt myself tear up. I tried so hard to fight back these emotions but finally my anxiety aka Amy got the better of me. I started to shake and sweat. My playlist Fortress of Destitute is blaring in the background the next set of songs just happened to be my mother’s favorite songs. Can you believe Start Me Up by Rolling Stones made me cry. My mother loved Mick Jagger and she loved that song. I don’t think she had no clue as to what Mick was singing. I use to say “Mom this song is dirty so don’t sing that part” you guys know what part I’m taking about “you make a dead man come” I use to tease her all the time about that. Everything in that moment reminded me of my mother and the huge loss my family have suffered. Packing away four years of work related items morphed into memories of my mother. Despite of the emotional mess I found myself in I managed to get through the process.
Meet Amy and Adam
You guys know I have a name for everything and I love using metaphors for everything too. My Anxiety and Addiction is no different. Anxiety I call Amy and my Addiction I call Adam. Together along with Chum and the bandmates they are very chaotic, unstable and unpredictable. It’s a recipe for a nightmare. Amy well she feeds off every nightmarish fear I have. Adam feeds off my dysfunctional impulses. It’s an unhealthy situation that I currently find myself drowning in. What an opening act and performance huh. All these things come into play when dealing with an emotional addictive personality who struggles with bipolar disorder. It’s a kick in the head.
Shopping For A Resolution
Coming back from vacay, I find myself in that whole again. Adam has his grips on my arm holding on tightly not letting go. You can see his damage reflected on my credit bill and bank statement. In case you didn’t hear I have an addictive personality. I brought so many clothes and purses just useless purchases I didn’t need. Just like that bipolar commercial where the lady made numerous of purchases of cameras and such taking her meds coming to her senses returning all her items that’s what happened to me. I end up returning all these clothing, purses, shoes I mean what the hell Sunny? Sometimes I feel trapped inside my head. I see all the bad habits and bad things I’m engaging in but powerless to stop them. Once released it’s too late. If feels like I’m in the throws of this mess I’m either shopping for a resolution or eating myself to death.
Dangerous behavior only leads to dangerous behavior. This week was apparent in the sense that I have become more distant and distracted. I have Amy to thank for that. From Monday til Friday I been in whirlwind of nothing. Today on my way to work not focused or paying any attention I got caught. Speeding down the street doing fifty in a forty zone. The cop didn’t take any pity. He gave me a ticket and here in California the most expensive state in the union and the most expensive place on the planet this ticket is going to cost me at lease five hundred when all said and done. Even when the cop was writing me up I zoned out. I forgot why I was speeding in the first place but I made to work. Here among the loud nose, the banging and pounding. The extra loud voices that vibes through the office, my ability to zone out is now in hyperdrive. The problem isn’t zoning out, the problem is returning. Over the years after being diagnosed and as a coping skill I learned how to zone out. I gotten really good at it. I found that happy place where I retreat inside myself. It’s safe and comforting and very dangerous.
Taco’s Martini’s and More
I have an unusual craving when Chum and his side show puts on a full stage performance. I crave Taco’s a very dry Martini and the more part that’s easy to anything I can get my hands on that is edible. I prefer desserts items to indulge in. I go from cherry chip ice cream to donuts to chocolate chip cookies to brownies I’m all over the place when Adam takes over. Some people who are bipolar and have an addictive personality choose drugs or alcohol and some people like myself choose food. In any case all of it is bad. I really hate having this tick. I wish there was a quick fix or a procedure to take to reverse bipolar. All these triggers anxiety, addictive behavior, panic, manic and the worse of the worse DOUBT all these things play their role.
This is what’s in the mind of a manic depressive.
Until next time….
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
Crying In The Shadows
My Big Brother
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
Closed for Business
Me, Chum And Sin City
Amy and Adam