Hello words masters, today we all back at work from a long weekend that for us here in California seen a lot of rocking and rolling but despite all that I manage to quitely come down for yet another episode. Unlike the 7.1 magnitude quake we experienced, this episode was small but last longer than normal.
I don’t know what trigger this round. My Chum didn’t make much of an impact like normal but he show up. This time I feel like a weirdo. I stare into the mirror and don’t recognize the reflection. The things that normally would give me pause for high anxiety hasn’t affected me. There’s something off still. I feel like I was on this long highway everything is groovy then I enter a tunnel, I can see a peek of a light but its the size of a ballpark pen. I spent a long time in this tunnel trying to reach that light. Finally I feel the sun on my face breathe in the fresh air and the wave of darkness seemingly have pass only to turn the corner driving into another tunnel.
That’s how I feel right now my life is one tunnel after another and I don’t see anyway out of this mess that’s happening in my head. I wish I was normal. I wish I had a beautiful normal functioning brain. I don’t know what it’s like to be a normal human being. All I know is the experience of the struggle. Every single day, the fighting with Chum his bandmates, just fighting to stay alive wares me down in every aspect of my being.
I’m so exhausted, drained and defeated. I don’t want to fight anymore. I want to be able to go out meet new people, have a stable relationship. I want to be able to meet friends yes my sex in the city buddies and have a man who looks at me with love. Be able to maintain a healthy relationships without my Chum and his side effects dictating the terms. I’m slowly reverting back to the little scared introverted girl. I have close off everyone in my life becoming the lone soldier. I don’t want to be the brunt of peoples stares and lacking of understanding. I don’t want to hear those dreaded words “get over it”. I use to say when people complained about their life “it could be worse, you can be dead and death is final” but that’s not the case here. I don’t want to be dead but I don’t want to fight anymore either.
These rounds, these matches are getting worse and worse. I’m so desperate to hang up my boxing gloves. The other day I was watching The Avengers End Game Tony Stark was preparing to fight along side with Dr. Strange, Wong and Hunk/Banner combo when Tony said to the attacking aliens “I’m sorry Earth is closed pack it up and get out of here!” At first it was very comical to me, then after watching this movie for the billion time I wasn’t amused. That’s how I feel when dealing with people, my Chum and life in general. “Sunny is closed today pack it up and get out of here!” If it was only that easy.
A lot of my disorder is made up in my mind I was told by said person who quite clearly has no clue what it is to deal with any time of mental illness or disorder. This person might-as-well said to me “get of it” in any case both are bad to say to someone who is in the mist of a episode. Sometimes though I wonder who’s the crazy one, the person dealing with mental illness or the person who is clueless. It’s like that saying what came first the chicken or the egg? Hmm that makes for a great blog note to self. I probably need more therapy as if that’s the answers to all mental disorders. My God I don’t know why I even bother to make an attempt to communicate my moods with anyone. One “friend” just blew me off calling me narcissistic all while he’s telling me what his doctor said or the advice his doctor gave him which he is now forwarding on to me. See this is the next tunnel after the bend.
I haven’t always been a social person. I do like to be in the center of the city. Seeing people move around being so vibrant, but there’s a certain solace when it comes to being a loner. I miss that. Not having to deal with people and there crap. My best friend Nancy once asked me how I can stand to be such a loner. Get real no one wants to willingly be alone. I miss the choice of being. None of this blog makes any sense. This is how I feel right now. Stuck in another dark tunnel searching for that pen-prick light to follow. The truth is the amour I spent a life time building up is slowly chipping away falling into a dark place that I am afraid of going because I know once I’m on that dark road there’s no coming back from that. Traveling down that dark road is final.
If you or someone you know struggling with mental health please contact local hospital, or in case of emergency contact local fire department or dial 911.
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
Crying In The Shadows
My Big Brother
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
Until next time…..