“The Stigma of Depression” Ashley Laderer
Today I feel the weight of the world crashing down on me like a ton of bricks. This heaviness is like an underdog wrestler pinning down an opponent winning the match. Unlike the wrestler, this is a match I won’t win today. This weight slowly grows & morphing into an uncontrollable desperation. Some days this desperation is far off in the distant allowing me tiny bit of joy but today this desperation I often refer to as “my chum” is here to stay.
My chum is a professional motivation assassin, using my head as its own private getaway. Parking the car in the drive, walking right up the porch opening door & making itself at home. I guess my chum is here to stay, an extended stay I would say. My chum is so parallelizing, it keeps me down making it very hard to get out of bed. Oh gosh what I would give to have the me of yesterday back. Yesterday I was vibrant alive & ready to take on the world. Today I want curl up & hide under the world. All curtain drawn dark no light allowed in for I don’t feel like faking a smile today. I lay here alone inside my darkness. The Doctor say “take this pill” as if this little magic red pill will do the trick. Yes its fine for now but what about tomorrow? My chum will return tomorrow it often does.
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My chum has this great talent it knows how to drain all the enegry from my body. Every inch of my body aches. It’s hard to speak to articulate what’s going on. It’s hurts, even fake up a grin, yes this pain is that unbearable. I don’t know which way is up. The best way to explain this it’s like a headache that grows & grows until light becomes the emeny. In this case my chum is the emeny. Pretty scary right? but it’s one-hundred percent true. You say “what changed” well yesterday is yesterday & it’s gone forever. Today my chum doing a full house in my head. My chum has punched me in the face & I feeling every bit of it. My chum here has knocked me right on my ass & bold as brass daring me to get up & fight the unwinnable. Well maybe tomorrow I’ll fight.
My chum has another talent isolation. It’s a sad feeling to dwelling so deep into one’s darkest isolated thoughts. You say “it’s not good for you to be alone.” Yes, it’s lonely here. I hide myself away from all that I love not by choice but being in this head space I feel like I’m trapped in a corn field. The blue clear sky turns dark purple & black. Heavy winds blows through the field & off in the distant I hear the thunderous roars. I’m the only with a light slowly dimming, flicking trying to find my way out of this maze. I hear myself calling out but no sound emerges just the pounding of my heart beat dum, dum like a musician pounding on a base guitar. I’m so desperate for an exit but my chum won’t release it’s hold. The cool air whipping around in the heavy wind violently slams onto my sweaty face turning my skin to cold mush. You say “fight back” that’s easier said then done especially when you’re alone in this never-ending hell. This nightmare plays on & on like an awful record on repeat. Yes my chum has definitely won this round. If only I could be strong as I was yesterday.
Emerging From The Darkness
Today there’s no crowds cheering me on like a rockstar who just put on a spectacular show. Today there’s no champion ringing the winning bell for me. Today there’s no one holding up the mirror saying how beautiful I am. Today there’s no one here to rescue me from the darkness that plays inside me head.
Today it’s only me & my chum, BUT tomorrow……..
This short is inspired by my own bout with “my chum” depression. “Depression” is a mental disorder that is often misdiagnose. Many person suffers from this disorders. Knowing the signs & getting help you can stop coping & start living. We’re living in an age where “Mental Disorders” isn’t such a stigma anymore. With the help of advocates who have shed light by having the conversation, it’s easier now to seek out help. If you or someone you know shows signs of depression or other tale signs of a mental disorder please seek help. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel.
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