Uncontrollable thoughts I have many of them. I’m a manic-depressive, what do you expect. These thoughts seem to come out of nowhere causing great distress. I find myself at the of the pen staring at pages of lists I created out of nowhere and for no apparent reasons. It’s quite stressful trying to organize my chaotic thoughts. My pattern is always the same which I found to be strangely ironic. I will start an idea write it down spend time on it then lose interest. When I go back I feel there’s nothing to go back too just a bunch of blah, blah. Sometimes I can’t keep things straight. I feel like my head is a cork-board filled with thousands post-it-notes. Every note is a piece of a puzzle I’m trying to put together. Once the puzzle is complete I now have to find away to express these thoughts to the outside world in away that is healthy. The stress is unbearable I’m thrown into a world that is dark with no light at the end of the tunnel. All my thoughts are lost in the sea of nameless void prompting me to start all over. I really need to STOP and PAUSE because this adds to my stress level and heavens knows we do not need anything else adding to the state of confusion I already feel.
Unfinished Chaos: A real good friend of mine encouraged me to write no matter what just write even if not finished just write then come back visit work on it then it will turn into a blog or short story. He was right I write everyday but as I stated before most of my thoughts are just that unfinished chaos. As I sit here stressing out over what to say and how to say it, this thought has bother me for over a week now I can’t help but to think this blog is unfinished chaos. The more I stress and try to control the chaos the more I feel my sanity slips through my fingers. I am in a constant arm wrestle with my “Chum” with him winning. He’s never alone, in his corner is Manic, Doubt, Panic the usual suspects but he have his additional not so charming pal Confusion. Together the “Uncontrollable Chaos Gang” is in full force taking over leaving me to do the impossible control the uncontrollable chaos.
Uncontrollable Chaos: What does that even mean “Uncontrollable Chaos? To truly understand one must understand the chaos behind the disorder. Everyone struggle with depression is different. For me to contain the chaos I have to create lists or write. As I paint a picture, you can see the repetitiveness routine of my disorder. It’s a dark place to be. The only thing that makes sense is to take back control. That’s what I focus on therefore the lists and writing plays a hand in obtaining that control or so I think. The simple fact is chaos is uncontrollable, however, let me say this as I dig deeper into this mess inside my head I am learning there are people who can relate. Shocking within all this blah, blah, blah there are people who have compassion and empathy. Can you imagine people sharing the similar experiences with their mental disorder. That’s comforting. Still dealing with mental disorder you most of the time feel alone even though you are standing in a crowded room.
Isolation Feels So Good: Isolation feels so good, however, it’s a bad place to be. In fact its the worst thing to be alone. I get lost inside my dark thoughts. It’s not only scary place but it’s dangerous. Too often my Chum defeats my spirit making me feel like I’m sitting on the sidelines watching other take control of the game. I question my instincts which sends me deeper into my isolation. Oh but isolation is such a drug. Living between that fine line of dark and darker is very tempting. It’s like a smoker taking that first puff or having that first cup of morning coffee letting go of the chaos and all the attempts to control the uncontrollable is so sweetly seductive. I find surrounding myself with people who are positive and have my best interest at heart is the key.