“You knock me out like a wrecking crew
I’m back on my feet and all over you
Faster than I’ve ever been before”
It’s Friday and I’m still feeling the pressure. This week has been brutal. I’m still reeling from my meltdown and now I’m getting pressure from work. This co-worker is notorious for doing this to me. He waits until the last possible minute then gives me work saying he needs ASAP. That’s the thing about working at this firm they don’t teach you anything it’s a crash and burn situation.
Stress On The Job; The last few posts have been about my struggle with depression. The meltdowns and the time it takes to recover, I’m at this job because it does allows me the means to work on and achieve my dream. Let’s be clear this is a job not my career. I’ll say this about working here, there are a few people here who have hearts of gold, rock solid good people then there’s those who set you up to fail. Having to deal with failure on this level isn’t good for recovery. Once you fail, you basically become an outcast. They will stop giving you work, speaking to you like a person and treat you like gum on the bottom of their shoes. As I said this job gives me room to work on my dream. I given myself a time limit of three years. Within this time, I should have all the issues that is holding me down resolved. I’ll be in a better situation to move overseas as planned. In order to make it happen sometimes you have to swim in the vat of crap to come clean on the other side. I will look back at this as one step I had to take to making my dream a reality.
“Oh no no never thought I’d feel so low
You got me runnin’, you got me runnin’
But I ain’t gonna hide
And yesterday everything seemed okay
Yeah you better run and hide away
Oh you better hide”
Still Reeling From The Meltdown; Recovery is moving on, like with every disorders one hour you’re riding high the next hour it’s rock bottom. Right now in this space and time I’m doing my best not to fall into a slump. My friends don’t understand or maybe they can’t understand how to deal with a person in such a manic state. I’m overly sensitive, I don’t have the energy to deal with nonsense. A part of me just want to crawl under a rock and hide. The other part of me is fighting the good fight, pushing myself to get out there be more visible deal with this head on. My head feels like an amusement park ride up and down back and forth so conflicted. My back hurts, my neck hurts, my shoulders hurts, it hurts when I walk that’s a result of my full on depression meltdown my “Chum”.
“Think of a friend (love)
And wish them love
Think of an enemy (more)
And wish them more
Think of an enemy (love)
Like them, wish them all your love”
Healing And Dealing; I haven’t been on prescriptions for my Chum in a while. What’s helping me recover is writing, listening to music, I created a playlist “My Chum”. This playlist has all the songs that are inspirational, fun reminding of times where things were good. I surround myself around positive people who I can be open with. Going for walks just filling my time doing things that brings a smile to my face. When I feel the need to cry, I cry. When I feel the need to laugh, I laugh. When I feel the need to be alone NOT AN OPTION. With all my rollercoaster emotions the one good thing I have is my crew. My crew, who always have my back and is willing to ride the storm with me. My champions as I call them. No matter how tough things get these group of family and friends always there to help me up.
Halo Hanging Over My Head; I am a very spiritual person. Every since my visit to Ms. Gypsy I follow a philosophy of letting my spiritual faith lead and so far it’s been working. Looking in the mirror, I see a beautiful, complexed, social, over-the-top, big personality, creative, caring person. These things are what I am supposed to see when I look at me.