Happy Hump Day to all you wizards of words, today blog post is about dealing with anxiety, my Chum his merry bandmates and Sin City. I know what an intro right? Trust me on this merry-go-round it will all come back around. The inspiration for this blog comes from my annual vacation to Vegas with my champions. Now buckle up and enjoy this ride.
Well Made Plans
Every year my group of champions and I go on vacation around the same time in August. It’s a tradition that started with one of my BFF’s birthday Cammie and ever since we make the three hour journey to sin city. In the past, I was able to have someone book my trip. I did this because I didn’t want the hassle of stressing out over what seems to be nothing. As I have stated many times in my blogs I am a manic depressive with an addictive personality enough said. However, as I got bolder I decided to take it upon myself to book my own lodgings. Feeling pretty full of myself, I started the process and have been booking for the past five years. At first things were good. I enjoyed not having someone dictating the terms of my trip. I also enjoyed the freedom of booking my room just for me only. However, as time passed I found myself getting back in the habit of stressing out over things that are clearly out of my control and right up to the time I get on the highway I am in panic mode.
I tried to over come this anxiety by upping my therapy game. I turned to writing more I even sought out my Gypsy physic looking for some guidance but in the end I always come face to face with my Chum and his merry bandmates Manic, Doubt and of course Panic. There’s nothing worse than having a panic attack or experience an episode with the of feeling of control slipping through your fingers. Stopped cold in my tracks, I just stop going. I stop socializing. I pretty much cut myself off from both social and outside world. I felt horrible because I wanted so desperately to be there for my friend but my fears and my Chum had taken full control of my life. All the tools I learned to cope with my Chum music therapy, the writing therapy all of it out the window. I became that scared struggling introvert little twelve year old sitting on the sidelines watching everyone else play the game of life.
That Dirty Four Letter “F” Word
In the manic world of bipolar disorder it easy to get lost. Despite of all the manic stuff that comes from dealing with bipolar disorder, Sin City can be a place of calm and beauty. If you look hard enough you will see this beauty. I have come to know that even struggling finding this beauty in any trip doesn’t have to come at a cost. Opting in allowing my Chum to take over I allowed the sinister side take control. Even blogged about it. These writings came from a place of unsubtle despair from my depression. It’s this despair that feeds off that dirty four letter “F” word FEAR. I decided instead of sitting in a smoked filled casino at a slot or a table draining my cash in a situation that isn’t quite win, win and wonder how the person next to me puts in twenty bucks walking out with three hundred bucks or the other alternative pigging out at one of many buffet allowing my disorder get the best of me, to seek out the beautiful side of Sin City.
Well what can I say I am a foodie. I am obsessed, no I am addicted to food. Some people turn to dangerous behavior when dealing with mental illness or mental disorder like drugs or alcohol, for me my dangerous behavior is an unhealthy relationship with food. Sin City is a place for someone like myself to really enhance that bad behavior. I’m not sure what it is my anxiety, my Chum or both factors that drives me to see refuse in food. It seems like every food network and cooking channel star has an eatery in sin city and I have eaten at them all. I don’t have a problem eating at expensive eatery that can be a big disappointment. Sample, sample and sample and you will hit the jackpot is my motto. If you never try you’ll never know likes or dislike right? However, there is an upside to all this. Remember that beauty I was talking about well here’s one example of that. Even after sitting down preparing to eat what turns out to be a bit disappointing meal, looking around taking in the scenery I see inspiration. I see all the hard work it took to get here. I liken to dealing with mental health. You struggle so long and hard to get to a place of peace. I won’t name any particular restaurants but despite the disappointing menu, I can see all the sacrifice made there in the splendor of the glitter and neon lights of Sin City. It’s this grand alluring and intoxicating notion that turns on my trigger or should I dare say my need to eat. Sometimes I can fight it be inclined to just pass on being a piggy other times no so much. I guess it depends on how deep my Chum is.
This a fine line between enjoying beautiful things vs. allowing the trigger in bad behavior to take control. The point of this blog is to point out beautiful side of sin city. Also to point out the many different sides of struggling with bipolar disorder. I realize it’s not all the glitz and glamour or the horror of planning a vacation it’s about the people who take that journey with you sharing the best of memories together.
Until next time…
Welcome to Las Vegas – A Vector Illustration
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
Repair My Armor
Crying In The Shadows
My Big Brother
Confessions of a Depressed Mind
Over The Hump
Welcome to the Dance
In the Trenches
Diary of a Manic Depressive
Bite Your Lips
Chicken Soup for the Soul
The High Card
Closed for Business
ME, CHUM AND SIN CITY