Tag: Depression

ME, CHUM AND SIN CITY

Happy Hump Day to all you wizards of words, today blog post is about dealing with anxiety, my Chum his merry bandmates and Sin City. I know what an intro right? Trust me on this merry-go-round it will all come back around. The inspiration for this blog comes from my annual vacation to Vegas with my champions. Now buckle up and enjoy this ride.

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CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL

D I S C L A I M E R! I am not a licensed healthcare professional. This blog is based on my own personal opinion and experience and not to be used as a self diagnosis guide. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, self harm or showing any symptoms of depression; SEEK MEDICAL ASSISTANCE FROM A LICENSE HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL or contact your local {Police Department}, {Fire Department}, {Hospital} or contact one of these facilities listed below or dial 9 1 1;

Vantage Point
National Institute of Mental Health
Substance Abused and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA) 

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SURVIVING THE CHAOS, Warning Signs of Bipolar Depression

Hello all you masters of words, today I’m feeling a bit down and under the weather.  This week has been very tough in fact, this month has been very tough.  I feel like my words aren’t being heard and I’m falling deeper into my depression.  I put on a brave face, its all an act.  Whenever someone ask how I am doing my generic response is “I’m doing just fine” clearly not true. I should get the Academy Award for best fake-smile. I’m far from being fine. I’m far from being normal, I mean what is normal?  The truth is I’m scared, I feel beat-up and I’m worn-out.  I am terrified of the things I can’t control.  I blogged about this before where there’s such anxiety of things that haven’t happened that I spend weeks trying to control. It’s like your on a train the deer on the track you see it but this little time to react. Just buckle up and hope for the best.  I’m so worn-out I been play at this game with a defeater’s attitude.  The constant fighting is wearing me down, trying to be everything to everyone.  Struggling is a term that is often used when describing an bipolar depression episode, however, I am beyond struggling I’m drowning. No rock I can crawl under will help hide the pain I am in. 

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Sadness vs Depression

Sadness vs Depression Most people who don’t understand the difference between depression and sadness often get the two confused. It’s very difficult to articulate what an episode is like. When you are in the grips of a full on bipolar episode it’s difficult to navigate the muddy waters of dangerous.  These dangerous waters consists of emotions of feeling angry, helpless, guilt and for some ending it all.  When you are sad you get a little down but you are able to bounce back. Depression is quite the opposite. Your dealing with multitude of emotions all at once and your whole being can’t quite get a grip on reality.  Basicly is like a skydriver taking that jump confident the shoot will open only realizing halfway down your in trouble and there’s no one there to help break the fall. This is how I been feeling lately.  This feeling is what I call the uncontrollable factor.

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REMEMBER MY NAME

girl-1098612__340Today I am feeling lower than I can possibly go.  It’s shows.  My emotions are compromised and my strength my armor is slowly being chipped away.  With every frown or crossed stare I get from the powers to be, a crack appears on my armor.  If I stay here in this space, I fear there won’t be anything left.  It’s like that situation where you’re in a crowded room enjoying the scene then that evil force walks in sucking all the air and life out that’s how the current work space is.  Here it’s quite clear we all play by a different set of rules.  I should know this by now.  Naivety I hoped things would get better but with each inopportune moment is a slap in the face.  Yes they talk a good game but the truth is there’s no room for growth well if you are me in my position.  With all my experience the only thing I am good for is to sit here answering the few calls that comes through. 

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BITE YOUR LIP

I come to the conclusion when writing or blogging a thought or an idea to be honest.  When I write my words are a result from something traumatic in my life. These moments are like reflections.  Just like one would see a reflection in a mirror, words for a blogger/writer are just as such.  I find myself staring more and more at my words which are very emotional, raw, powerful and sometimes painful. Sometimes these emotions can be very difficult to face. It’s especially difficult putting yourself out on social media where the trolls thrive.  I often ask myself “is it worth the risk?”

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ROAD RAGE

road rage clue flamesDriving down this road hatred fills my eyes.  Seeing red, I can feel the flames burning inside.  Waiting for that one slip up to release the beast that dances within. Cool as the morning dew sweetly fills the air, still can’t stop this living hell I am in. The more I drive down this dangerous road the more I feel alive and ready to fight.  Lying in wait, to pull the pin to explode. Looking in the rear view mirror I see the road I left behind.  Plenty of rocks left in my wake to over take that turn.  It’s all in the past now as I look forward still reeling with this anger.  Coming to the stop light blinker on left turn, then another left turn pulling into the drive of the fortress of destitute, realizing another nightmarish hell.  Seeing that brick wall I’m about to come crashing into just accepting this is my fate.

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HELP ME

girl-1098612__340I don’t know where I am in the grand scheme of things. My head feels like a merry-go-round spinning in circles a never-ending circle. I want to stop, I need to stop but I can won’t you help me.  Everything hurts, every words, laugh and cry is painful too sensitive to act too sad to be happy I need love to light the way.  I am a prisoner to this fate bleak drowning deeper into the sea of void sinking lower than Moby Dick’s occupants.  Not lacking in faith, wishing for a band-aid to cover the scab I’m slowing picking at, screaming in a crowded room with no one looking up not evening giving a glance I’m here with this demon.  A constant companion these days speaks to me in ways no one can comprehend.  Scared no, just concerned that my mind is no longer my own.  Fighting the good fight staying above water in the hopes that one day this dynamic dance will be done.

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UNCONTROLLABLE CHAOS


uncontrollable thoughts

Uncontrollable thoughts I have many of them. I’m a manic-depressive, what do you expect. These thoughts seem to come out of nowhere causing great distress.  I find myself at the of the pen staring at pages of lists I created out of nowhere and for no apparent reasons.  It’s quite stressful trying to organize my chaotic thoughts.  My pattern is always the same which I found to be strangely ironic.  I will start an idea write it down spend time on it then lose interest.  When I go back I feel there’s nothing to go back too just a bunch of blah, blah. Sometimes I can’t keep things straight.  I feel like my head is a cork-board filled with thousands post-it-notes.  Every note is a piece of a puzzle I’m trying to put together.  Once the puzzle is complete I now have to find away to express these thoughts to the outside world in away that is healthy.  The stress is unbearable I’m thrown into a world that is dark with no light at the end of the tunnel.  All my thoughts are lost in the sea of nameless void prompting me to start all over. I really need to STOP and PAUSE because this adds to my stress level and heavens knows we do not need anything else adding to the state of confusion I already feel.

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DIARY OF A MANIC DEPRESSIVE

Twenty-nineteen started with an uncertainty I had no idea of what’s to come but I spent the last few weeks of twenty-eighteen stressing about it.  I don’t know why but I have this sick obsession of trying to control the future.  I worry about things and events that haven’t happened yet.  The anxiety is quite overwhelming but what makes this worse is that I put myself in this position.  I willingly make myself go nuts trying to control something that is uncontrollable.  

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PRETTY

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder and yet as I stand here looking at the mess in the mirror I beg to differ.  I’m not a beauty nor do I feel pretty.  What I see is quite the opposite.  I see ugly, useless, dirty person with no future.  I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as the actress that grace the silver screen.  I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as those models who are splashed on the cover of sports magazines.  I wish I can be pretty, as pretty as the girl sitting across from me on the bus.  I wish I had better eyes to see what you see a beautiful girl.

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