Original Post Date: May 7, 2019
Hello all you masters of words, today I’m feeling a bit down and under the weather. This week has been very tough in fact, this month has been very tough. I feel like my words aren’t being heard and I’m falling deeper into my depression. I put on a brave face, its all an act. Whenever someone ask how I am doing my generic response is “I’m doing just fine” clearly not true. I should get the Academy Award for best fake-smile. I’m far from being fine. I’m far from being normal, I mean what is normal? The truth is I’m scared, I feel beat-up and I’m worn-out. I am terrified of the things I can’t control. I blogged about this before where there’s such anxiety of things that haven’t happened that I spend weeks trying to control. It’s like your on a train the deer on the track you see it but this little time to react. Just buckle up and hope for the best. I’m so worn-out I been play at this game with a defeater’s attitude. The constant fighting is wearing me down, trying to be everything to everyone. Struggling is a term that is often used when describing an bipolar depression episode, however, I am beyond struggling I’m drowning. No rock I can crawl under will help hide the pain I am in.
Sadness vs Depression Most people who don’t understand the difference between depression and sadness often get the two confused. It’s very difficult to articulate what an episode is like. When you are in the grips of a full on bipolar episode it’s difficult to navigate the muddy waters of dangerous. These dangerous waters consists of emotions of feeling angry, helpless, guilt and for some ending it all. When you are sad you get a little down but you are able to bounce back. Depression is quite the opposite. Your dealing with multitude of emotions all at once and your whole being can’t quite get a grip on reality. Basicly is like a skydriver taking that jump confident the shoot will open only realizing halfway down your in trouble and there’s no one there to help break the fall. This is how I been feeling lately. This feeling is what I call “the uncontrollable factor“.
Social Media Trolls: I expressed an opinion, apparently not a popular opinion. The topic was people struggling with mental disorders shouldn’t be on social media. Let’s get real here most people on social media have no clue about mental disorders. I said it’s not a good idea if you’re in the mist of an episode not to jump on social media. When you have a full on breakdown, you tend to say things that gets one into trouble. In your mind the insanity makes sense. In reality what you said can be cause for concern. For those who are reading, be patience, be kind and learn the signs between someone who is in trouble verses someone who is venting.” Make sense right? This basically opened the troll door. I got all kinds of colorful responses. Some were disgusting I care not to share but the one response that chapped my hide was the one troll who accused me of doing all of this to gain likes. Its the one response I focused on thus opening the stage for Chum to come out to play.
Chum vs Sunny: True to form Chum did a stellar performance. Everything you can expect crying, laughing, yelling, anger it was all there. I felt like I wanted to exploded. The thing about my Chum is that he allows you to feel a range of emotions accept happiness. This weekend I sat and seen “Avengers End Game” for a third time. I don’t know why but when I seen Captain America I was just enraged. I realize that this is a trigger. Sitting watching a movie that really has no baring on my life. The character Captain America has no impact on my life and yet I’m enraged. It was so bad that I had to excuse myself. I went to the restroom so enraged I screamed. People were looking at me like I lost my mind, the irony I did lost my mind. Sometimes I am able to push Chum back into a bottle but this time Chum was stronger. I allowed him to be stronger. Awh the sweet taste of losing control. Brava! Chum, take your bow your audience wants an encore. Some would say my behavior is an character assassination.
Surviving The Chaos: but there’s another, OMG I just did my first Star Wars reference. The other I’m referring to is “Dysphoric Mania”. Dysphoric mania is describe as experiencing both depression and mania at the same time. Symptoms may include sadness, depression and irritability. Most people confuse Bipolar with Dysphoric. If you are showing symptoms best to seek out medical advice from a license health care worker. My mental disorder is bipolar or manic depressive that I call my Chum. This past weekend I was in the throws of a full on chaotic episode. How’s this for chaos I’m at a movie theater standing in the bathroom screaming as if I was being attacked. The tears rolling down my face, shaking like a lost puppy caught out in the rain. Thank heavens the movies was L O U D that no one in the nearby theater could hear. A sweet young lady asked if I was okay and true to form I offered up my usual answer “yes, yes I’m fine”. After that disaster, I felt the need to get out of dodge city. I left my friends house feeling overwhelmed. By the time I got into my car I felt angry again. I’m sitting in my car with the music turned up loud screaming at the top of my lungs. I gave myself a headache. My friend calls me asking if I was okay and once again I gave my text book standard answer “yes, I’m fine”. I was numb I turned off the music rolled down the windows cranked up the heater drove the two and half hours home. There in the loud noise, I started to reflect on my life. The beginning, the middle and where this will all end. All I know is I’m tired of being tired and I am tired of being a failure.
Realization Of Worth: Let’s not confuse “failure” with self worth. I was so desperate, see the one thing I lost thought I lost hasn’t really lost. This vicious cycle of always doubting myself is what I’m trying to break. Once again I got caught up in the world of social media this obsessive behavior is the main factor that triggered this episode. With my compulsive behavior of not being a failure is what pushed me over the edge. Trying to make this blog a success, doing research, trying to connect with people it’s all good but it’s an unnecessary pressure I can do without. I just want to write and whom ever reads my material read its. Whom ever benefit from my words will benefit. I created this blog as an outlet, to express what a person dealing with mental disorder. It’s a conversation piece. The last few weeks I spent so much time focused on trying to make my blog a success that I forgot what this blog is really all about. Its not about likes or generating hits. It’s about connecting with other people who struggles with mental disorder. It’s about inspiring others who might now have the voice to come from the shadows.
Until next time……
For more reads in my Confessions of a Depressive Mind Series try these…..
5. Big Lips
10. Adam And Amy
11. Hello My Name Is
12. 13 Reasons Why
13. Battle Of My Own
15. Stranger Things
18. Bite Your Lips
21. In the Trenches
23. Merry Go Round
24. The Carnival
25. She Devil
27. Over The Hump
30. My Chum
31. My Beloved
33. My Big Brother
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