Today I cried. My tears came as a surprise to think about the year twenty-twenty as something to cry over. Yes, like most people I have lost something but is the loss worth these tears? My heart took the blow too hard and heavy. However, my head is standing rock solid not to be suede either way. I don’t know why such things are so difficult to face. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go. I don’t know why it’s so hard to forgive. I don’t know why we choose to hold on to pain, anger and loss. Hello all your rocker and rollers of words, today’s blog post is inspired by the emotions of holding on to pain, anger while dealing with grief, loss and learning how to forgive and to let go.
At the start of the new year we celebrate New Years eve by saying goodbye to the old year only to gleefully eagerly, joyfully welcome the upcoming year with uncertainty. Making promises and resolutions towards an unforeseeable future. Making resolutions and promises we know we’ll never keep. As the year progresses we start to make excuses for the lack of passion that we hoped would move us forward towards our unrealistic goals to an unforeseeable future. Why do we do this? It’s a tradition that I’m curious about. In other words why do we set ourselves up for failure? But later about that let’s focus on the emotions that put us in this situation.
I went to bed on December thirty-first twenty-twenty with hope for a better tomorrow. I woke up January first twenty-twenty one in a chaotic state of panic, crying uncontrollably. No it’s not in direct relation to my “Chum” but I was thinking of my past. All the people who invested time and energy with me are gone. I promised myself as I do every year not to indulge in these emotions. To start off the year happy. Make the resolution to be happy but I’m laying here trying to remember faces, names and voices. I spent the better part of the morning three hours to be exact crying. Slowly bring up pictures in my head remembering influences that shaped my life.
Like my Uncle Johnny, quiet but funny and witty always giving me much needed advice to this day I live by. I thought about my teacher Mr. Chu who introduced me to music and writing as a way to be creative and not destructive. I thought about my Uncle Red teaching me how to make moonshine and just hanging out spending time together made me the happiest person alive. I thought about my Uncle QP who I often rode on his bus to school who kept a watchful eye and a shoulder to cry on in case I needed it. I thought about my Uncle Nelson taking us to Dodgers games teaching me and my cousins about baseball and the moment I fell in love with the sport. I thought about my Uncle Ralph and how kind he was, not saying a word but just a gentle pat on the back and a huge smile acknowledging my existence. All these emotions just came back like a wave washing upon the shore. I couldn’t understand why I’m here at this point but there I was crying reaching out trying to hold on to these memories like wrapping myself in like a warm blanket on a cold winter morning. Trying to find comfort in my past. Then I realized it’s not these memories to let go of but it’s the underlying feelings I needed to let go.
All these memories are a result of my underlying feelings of rejection and abandonment. The impact of my father walking out on the family has left me torn and angry. I spent the majority of my adult life in therapy trying to overcome these feelings but here we are. Let’s face it, a part of me is still that little five year old girl watching the storm that was my father and trying to cope with the aftermath. Now I feel as if something or someone is tugging at me. Trying to help me bring back balance to my center, encouraging me to just let go.
Forgiveness is a tough one. I know what’s been said: forgiveness gives you strength and not let the person have ownership over you. It can be said for other emotions such as anger but let’s be clear I’m not giving no one ownership over me. I have every right to explore these feelings and come to terms on my terms in my time. For the record I have already forgave me father however the raw feeling of rejection and abandonment is still there and will always be there. It’s like struggling to come to terms with a death. Yes the person is gone but the loss and void is there and will always be there if you loved them. I loved my father as a child should but I never got the chance to be daddy’s little girl. I never got the chance to have a relationship with him. I was robbed of having my dad. I can blame his mistress but the decision to walk out on his family was his and his alone. I forgave him for that but my heart took a heavy blow. My head standing strong in the wind recognizing it is what it is. As the adult me laid in bed crying I realized each of these influences brought something special to my life giving me something my father couldn’t or didn’t want to give. I am in grief. I cried because these men in their own special way were the father I couldn’t have. Each of them brought a little part of fatherhood to my life. Although my father checked out I had enough bits and pieces to experience a dad love. For that I am grateful.
The pain of rejection and abandonment is real for me and at times unbearable especially around new years. In a time of a worldwide pandemic, a statewide curfew and a forever looming lockdowns it just brings the anxiety closer to home. At the start of the new year, I make the resolution not to feel but that’s not possible because I feel the pain deeply. I find myself constantly breaking the rules, breaking the promises and breaking the resolutions to start the year off being happy. What does that even mean being happy? As far as the grief well that’s a funny thing. Everyone experiences grief but everyone experiences the journey differently. For me the start of the new year isn’t whether I make or break promises/resolutions or setting myself up to fail. That’s just a part of life. It’s something we will continue to do. This is what makes us humans always striving to find a reason to be better than our current selves. But are we? That’s the question. I hope I am. I’m always striving to be a better person from the person I was twelve months ago. I want to be at a place where I can trust and love without judgement. I want to be in a place where abandonment and rejection is no longer a dominating factor in my decision making.
I guess my goal is to learn how to be better at letting go and be better at forgiveness.
Until next time….
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